“This’ll get the Feist song right out of your head. (*Sings*) By Mennen!. This is The Colbert Report!“
Persian Gulp: “Tonight: Is there an alternative to war against Iran? Of course – a preemptive strategic air strike against Iran.”
- Black haired guy who is not brown haired guy who is not Steve Doocy
- Republican candidates talk preemptive strikes at debate
- The divestment alternative
Special Guest: Frank Gaffney, founder and president of the think tank Center for Security Policy
Fortune Five-Year-Olds: “Plus a special children’s edition of my segment for the wealthy. Why sleep in a race car bed when you can sleep in a race car?”
- Colbert Platinum: Kidz Edition
Crossing Jordon: “And my guest Chris Jordan makes art that’s critical of consumer culture. I bet he doesn’t criticize people who by it.”
- Chris Jordan, photographic artist
In closing: Good Night!
NOTABLE MOMENTS
- I’m not a big fan of sleep. It’s just 8 hours of laying around doing nothing. Plus, it’s boring. How many dreams of eating a banana am I expected to sit through, brain? Seriously.
- The only reason I go to bed is so I can wake up to the friendly friends over at Fox & Friends who yesterday responded to my response to their response to Barack Obama’a response to questions to why he doesn’t wear an American flag lapel pin. And they say the media is an echo chamber… ha ha ha ha ha.
- Please, accept my apologies, Black haired guy who is not Steve Doocy. Evidently, the Brown haired guy who is not Steve Doocy was sick so they brought out the black haired spare. They’ve got dozens of them in storage.
- Awfully defensive, Black haired guy who is not brown haired guy who is not Steve Doocy! What are you hiding? Could you really be Bald guy who is not black haired guy who is not brown haired guy who is not Steve Doocy?
- The important thing here is that simply by engaging in this discussion we have lost sight of what is really at issue: that this guy is not Steve Doocy. That’s all that matters to me here.
- The Republican Presidential Debate on Tuesday was a great success. I threw my usual pre-debate tailgate party, complete with Stephen Colbert’s 8-candidate bean dip. Each candidate gets their own kind of bean: there was not a black bean among them.
- Romney is a lima bean, McCain is a refried bean, and Huckabee is a Huckabean. Delicious.
- Be careful, Nation. Like Rudy Giuliani always says, “Beans, beans the masical fruit; the more you eat the more 9/11.”
- On Tuesday, these beans were jumping – jumping to bomb Iran’s nuclear facilities without congressional approval.
- By the way, Romney’s law firm is Canwe, Bombem & Wenn. So I think we know what would happen.
- But then there was congressional wet blanket Ron Paul.
- Congressman Paul, I respect the constitution as much as the next guy, but the biggest weapon of mass destruction the Founding Fathers faced were Parisian whores. Look it up!
- Unfortunately, Ron “No Balls” Paul isn’t the only one questioning the President’s right to shoot first and ask congress later. There is a rising movement to fight our enemies not with weapons, but with money, folks. It’s called divestment and billed as “a non-violent tool for countering the Iranian threat.”
- What you supposedly do is take money out of companies that do business with Iran and then*magically* the Iranians run out of funds and stop building their nuclear reactors. It’s the same strategy we tried in the 1980s to pressure South Africa into ending apartheid before we finally had to bomb them with Steven Van Zandt.
- Now, I’m all for putting pressure on our enemies, but I’ve got a lot of money invested in an Iranian company called Tehran Alternate Energy. They say they’re researching something huge. I cannot wait for their big announcement which, oddly enough, they want to deliver in Tel Aviv.
- So, maybe they want to kill us, and maybe they’ve got genocide, and maybe the Iranian government says they want to wipe Israel off the map, but if my 401-K is soaring isn’t that a good trade off?
- You said “Sir” so I’ll listen.
- The Free Market works when it’s free, Sir. When you go hell bent for leather for as much money as you can possibly make. Anything other than that is not a Free Market – it’s a controlled market, a market with a conscience or a moral sense of judgment because, if you manipulate the the markets, you’ve got the system upside down – the market manipulates us!
- I’m against terror, but if I am not making as much cash as possible haven’t the terrorists won?
- This smacks of a vegetarian who believes that by not eating meat you will end cruelty to animals. You’re divesting from the meat market so no one will kill animals anymore when, in fact, I’ve done some unspeakable things to animals I never had any intention to eat. So how do you think – if these people are believers, if these people want to wipe Israel off the map, if these people want to kill us – cash is not the thing that is going to stop them. They’ll come after us with stone tools or with clubs. Why shouldn’t I make some money in the mean time.
- Kids all over the country have been throwing tantrums over how hard it is to get tickets to see Hannah Montana in concert. I don’t get it – I told my kids if you want to see Hannah Montana so badly, you break open your piggy bank and cough up the 3,000 bucks. As long as you’re under my roof, you will spend your own vast fortune.
- Luckily, today, some kids have enough cash to make Richy Rich look like Homely Homeless.
- Remember kids – this segment is for Platinum Members only. If the name of your school doesn’t end in “Prep” or “Academy” or your own last name, run along and dig for spare change in Daddy’s pockets. But don’t wake him up – he’s been drinking.
- Whenever I see some work of art going for some crazy price I think “geez, my kid could have bought that.”
- With 40 pieces in her collection, she’s shown a real interest in art but her teddy bear says she’s become insufferable at tea parties.
- Now, where do these kids get the money for their art? Well, from their art allowances, or their birthday, bar mitzvah, and tooth fairy money. Now I hope no young kids were watching or they just learned that the tooth fairy is Warren Buffett.
- And kids, once you amass your art collection, you’re going to need a place to put it. How about a luxury playhouse from PoshTots.com. You can go for the $10,000 Cotton Candy Manor or, for the more affluent, there’s the Grand Victorian for 20 large. It may sound steep, but the kid needs this. He just got passed over for partner at his lemonade stand, he’s having a mid-elementary school crisis, and he’s running around with a girl half his age. She’s 3-1/2 and it’s embarrassing.
- Every night, after their homework, Blane and Austin stalk nightclubs and private parties trying to snap photos of Madonna and Angelina Jolie. Careful, boys. Get too close to these two and you might end up adopted.
- Remember, just because you’re too young to drink doesn’t mean you don’t need a wine cellar.
- Stephen: You’re a photographer of culture. What’s the difference between that and the paparazzi?
- Chris: Paparazzi photograph people. I photograph people’s garbage.
- Stephen: Really! Your work is literally garbage. True?
- That looks refreshing!
- Every 30 seconds, that’s how much gets thrown away? Well, that means I should invest in soda companies. Right? That’s what I’m learning here. It’s a waste stream but it’s also a revenue stream, and that’s where I should invest.
- What if we took all those and dropped them on Tehran?
- I go through one everyday because they’re dirty. And until they come up with a phone-dom to put over it I don’t want to catch germs even from myself.
- I do. [throws out his old iPod] I skip it like a stone. I got that little Feist song playing on the Nano – I got that thing rolling and just dink-dink-dink-dink-dink across the pond.
Fangirl Suit Report: Black suit. Lilac shirt with French cuffs. Grape tie with lilac medallion pattern.
Videos courtesy of Comedy Central MotherLoad
- Persian Gulp: Table of Contents
- Guy Who’s Not Steve Doocy: Please accept Stephen’s apologies, black-haired guy who’s not the brown-haired guy who’s not Steve Doocy.
- Frank Gaffney, Jr.: Frank Gaffney, Jr. says if we invest in terrorists we may make a profit, but we’ll lose our lives.
- Colbert Platinum: Kid$ Edition: Just because you’re too young to drink doesn’t mean you don’t need a wine cellar.
- Chris Jordan: Photographer Chris Jordan shows Stephen how he makes art out of our excessive waste.
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