“Kraft Foods, I’d make a great pasta shape. This is The Colbert Report!“
Prison Record-Break: Tonight! America has more people in prison than ever before. You put us over the top, Kiefer Sutherland!
- Dennis Kucinich’s pockets
- Prison Overcrowding
The Wørd: Americon Dream
Blunder Road: Then, Bruce Springsteen’s new album trashes President Bush. Be careful, Bruce. You’re not dealing with Little Stephen anymore.
- Tip of the Hat / Wag of the Finger:
- Wag: Bruce Springsteen
- Wag: Molson Coors and SAB Miller Brewing Companies
- Tip: French Youths
Clark Spar: And my guest tonight is General Wesley Clark. Or, as MoveOn.org would call him, General Betray-Ark.
- General K. Wesley Clark, Retired – author: “A Time To Lead”
In closing: Hi! Good night.
- Last week I issued a challenge to Presidential candidate and vegan wood spirit Dennis Kucinich. For someone with such a cash poor campaign, Kucinich has surprisingly deep pockets.
- I think we figured out why we never found those WMDs.
- So far Dennis Kucinich has not responded to my challenge. He is a coward. What are you afraid of, Congressman? I will let you go after you grant me my wishes.
- He’s not just a Congressman – he’s a pocket master!
- OK, folks. Kucinich has accepted my challenge to empty out his pockets live in my studio. We’re going to get to the bottom of this, Congressman.
- Wait a second! He took all my quarters! I was going to do laundry tonight, you bastard!
- I don’t know what kind of pocket dimension you have access to, but it ends on my show Monday, October 15th. Until then, keep your hands out of my pockets.
- I love a good cage match. And since Breaking Point was on the Discovery Channel, I assumed they’d have prisoners fighting lions, but no such luck. It was just more criminal coddling nonsense about prison over crowding.
- Evidently, anyone with a camera can walk right through – you call that security?
- If it works for baseball, it works for criminals. That’s why there’s no crime in baseball.
- Oh, really? If prisoners don’t know how to e-mail, then how are Chico, Spider, and Kingfish sending me all these fan letters?
- I’m not saying we don’t have a problem. Over 2 million people in the US are behind bars – one out of every 133 citizens. Which means that someone in my audience is an escaped convict. Keep your eyes open.
- If 2 million Americans are in prison then that means 298 million Americans are roaming the streets. [Only Half Of Them Wiretapped.] I personally believe that most people are just criminals who are too lazy to commit their crimes. [Busy Playing "Grand Theft Auto"]
- When this country was founded, there were only 4 million Americans citizens. [Not Including The People They Owned] If we want to make this country great we need to get back to those manageable numbers and the best way to do that is to put as many people in jail as possible. It will be like they disappeared. [Prest-O Chains-O!]
- Luckily, the Los Angeles County Sheriff’s Department has stumbled upon a way to do it. Last week the LA Times reported that Sheriff’s deputies have been engaging in good natured competitions, like to seize the most cars called “Operation Vehicle Impound” or arrest the most people called “Operation Any Booking”. A third contest challenged deputies to see how many gang members and suspected criminals could be stopped and questioned. I’m not sure if they had a name for that one. [Operation "Hey, Let's Question That Black Guy"]
- Competition makes everything better. We learn that from the Free Market. Why spend 25-bucks on a Barbie doll made in America when you can have one that was made in China for just a-buck-99. Just keep it away from, you know, children.
- These Los Angeles police are using these free market principles to put more people in jail. We should take a page from there book ["The 7 Habits Of Highly-Arresting People"] and use competition to clean up the whole country.
- Politicians can do there part. See who can make the most things illegal. And how about changing 3-strikes-and-you’re-out to a different sports metaphor. Like hole-in-one. If you commit one crime, we put you in the hole for life.
- If every person becomes a criminal, then let’s just make every house the Big-House. Build that white picket fence 10 feet higher and put some barbed wire on the top. [The Ultimate Gated Community] Because Nation, to achieve an ordered society we have to at first eliminate the root cause of crime – all the people.
- [Audience is absolutely silent when they come back from the commercial break, then one or two start to cheer] Too late. Too late – you had your chance.
- I am too busy jamming out to my audiobook. I makes a surprisingly good work out mix.
- This rock-hard Jersey Shore boy showed his lefty leanings on 60-Minutes [pronounced min-oots, for some reason]
- No, they don’t think of those things, Bruce. That’s why they work. By the way, you missed a little spot shaving right there. [pointing to soul patch]
- What happened, The Boss? Back in 1984 when President Regan asked you to write his theme song, you said “yes, Sir, Mr. President” and cranked out “Born In The U.S.A.” And I loved that chorus: “Born in the U.S.A. Born in the U.S.A.” Your message was so clear: get out of our country, illegal immigrants. I was born in the U.S.A.
- I think there were some verses, but I’m more of a chorus guy.
- Now you’re just trying to sell your records by slamming the President. There’s only one way for you to redeem yourself, Sir – come on my show and apologize.
- I’ll be big about it. You don’t even have to apologize. Just come on my show. I’ll tell you what: I’ll apologize.
- A wag of the finger to Molson Coors and SAB Miller Brewing Companies who announced yesterday that they’ll merge US operations into a new company called Miller Coors.
- You heard me right: Miller Lite and Coors Light will soon be brewed by the same people. Now, if America is known for one thing, it’s the age old craftsmanship that makes our light beers so unique. When I want a great taste that’s never wanted…. [looses it and crowd cheers.] No – I don’t want your pity.
- When I want a great taste that’s never watered down, I know I can grab a Miller Lite. OK? But if I hanker for, say, a frost brewed taste that’s as cold as the Rockies, I naturally reach for a Coors Light. Or, if I want a beer made from the choicest hops and malted barley, I reach for a Miller Lite. But what if I crave unique barley varieties and specially selected hops? Exactly – you’re way ahead of me – only a Coors Light will do. It’s totally different.
- And Gentlemen – when I have a thirst for something spelled L-I-T-E you cannot force me to drink something spelled L-I-G-H-T. Las time I checked, this was still America.
- [While putting beer bottles under the desk, Stephen opens the Coors Light and hides under the desk for a moment - then knocks the bottle over on the floor while getting back in his chair]
- You might want to cut power to some of the electronics down here, Jimmy.
- I’m not celebrating you for your indifference and stylish smoking habits. No, no. Non, non. I’m applauding you for your taste in art.
- Saturday night, 5 intruders snuck into the Musée d’Orsay and punched a hole in a painting by impressionist master Claude Monet.
- “Oh, no. He’s a genius!” Well, if Monet was such a genius, maybe he should have thought to paint on something less punchable than canvas. Like a highway sign.
- I’m not happy that a work of art was defamed. I’m happy that this work of art was defamed. Is it me? Or is this thing a little blurry?
- Let me put on my stronger prescription here… oh yea. I take it back – that is classy.
- At Ease! Is it tough when you get to be a general and no one says that to you and you have to say that to other people?
- Do you think if you had put a little more effort into your career you could have made 5 stars, could have really made something of yourself?
- Are you saying that 5-stars is inflation and he have to keep it a 4-stars to keep the value of each star up?
- Sir, with all due respect, bad leadership is better than no leadership at all.
- Should we back up our diplomacy with bombing or a ground war? Because we have two different options there.
- We know military action changes things – ok? And you’re a general and we’re military power. If we have a military hammer, why isn’t everything a war nail?
- Stephen: You know, I have a book too.
- General Clark: I got to read some of it tonight.
- Stephen: You want to ask me if maybe my book is a precursor for a Presidential run?
- General Clark: Is your book a precursor for a Presidential run?
- Stephen: I can’t answer that question. I have to talk to my family.
- My guest – almost 5-Star General Wesley Clark.
Fangirl Suit Report: Charcoal gray pinstripe suit. Light gray shirt with French cuffs. Gold tie with white and dark gray stripes. Red WristSTRONG bracelet.
Videos courtesy of Comedy Central MotherLoad
- Prison Record-Break: Table of Contents
- Challenge Accepted: Pocket-master Dennis Kucinich has accepted Stephen’s challenge while stealing all his change.
- Americon Dream: In order to make an ordered society, we have to eliminate the root cause of crime – all the people.
- Tip/Wag – the Boss: After Bruce Springsteen displays his lefty leanings, Stephen demands an apology from The Boss.
- General Wesley K. Clark: President Bush’s bad leadership inspired General Wesley Clark to write his new book.