Episode 3128 (10/9/2007)

Extra! Leak All About It!: “Tonight, The New York Times reveals another national security secret. But it’s Tuesday, so it’s an easy one.”

• The Wørd: Mighty Duck

Pin the Pin on the Donkey: “Then, questions about Barack Obama’s patriotism threaten to overshadow questions about Barack Obama’s blackness.”

• WristStrong sighting: Senator Barack Obama!

Love in the Time of Colbert, Ahhhh.: “And my book is finally out, Tony Bennett…” *stops and grins as the crowd screams*

• Stephen Colbert, Comedian, TV Show Host, Author – I Am America (And So Can You!)

Guest Plug:

In closing: “Welcome back, folks. Before we go, a word about my new earth-shattering book. Don’t worry, I know you’ve heard rumors, but most of the ink we used is lead-free. We caught that problem after the first half-million copies. So unless you live west of the Mississippi, don’t put it in your mouth. Now I will not consider my book ‘I Am America (And So Can You!)’ a success until everyone who buys it truly becomes America. Until then, it will merely be a financial success. So after the show, go to www.makemeamerica.com, the central staging ground for my book-based world domination. If The Secret can do it, then according to the Secret, so can I. Together, we can spread my words until they cover the Earth like some kind of tropical fungus or predatory fern. That’s it for the Report, everybody. Good night, and good reading.”

• *The Toss: Jon finally called Stephen out on the incessant book plugging.*
• Get off the floor!… Thank you very much, very kind. There’s no need to grovel. A little need.
• Last night was a big night for America – my book, ‘I Am America (And So Can You!)’ went on sale at midnight! *crowd goes wild* Can’t tell if they’re excited.
• Take a look at the Times Square’s Virgin Megastore where the celebration was in full force! Oh, man! Woo! I have always said it is not a party until someone makes sure the edges of the books line up with the display table. Rock on.
• ’I am America (And So Can You!)’ even made waves in hippie strongholds like Portland, Oregon, where Powell’s Books hosted a release party late last night.
• Here’s a young man purchasing a copy, and – wait a minute! Freeze that! My book doesn’t cost $18.89! Jimmy, play that back! Okay, it’s $26.99, and then… they gave him a discount! Look, I know Portland is Communist, but what the hell.
• Don’t make me put my rings on.
• Meanwhile, do-nothing presidents get honored all the time. Gerald Ford gets an honorary car! Jimmy Carter gets an honorary children’s underpant company! Even Bill Clinton was immortalized in the form of Grimace!
• Last year I joined a patriotic groundswell demanding that Reagan get his own coin.
  So this is the perfect opportunity for me to submit my own designs depicting Reagan in different aspects of Lincoln’s life.
• And here’s one of the finest moments of Reagan’s Lincoln presidency. He is standing up in front of the whole world to say, ‘Mr. Lincoln, tear down this log cabin!’
• And finally, here’s Reagan assassinating John Wilkes Booth just in time to save Lincoln’s life. Nobody talks about that, just because it didn’t happen. Technically Reagan did it to impress Jodie Foster.
• No, it was an investigative article which broke the news that in 2005 when the Justice Department was publicly denouncing torture, they secretly issued another opinion, an expansive endorsement of the harshest interrogation techniques used by the Central Intelligence Agency, giving the White House all the room it needs to… well, how much room do you need for a milk crate and a couple of electrodes.
• Now luckily, there is a way for the president to rise above these petty accusations, and it’s the subject of tonight’s Wørd. [Mighty Duck]
• Now, for a lot of people, a secret endorsement of brutal interrogations could spell trouble with a capital ‘T’. [Rhymes With P & Stands For Prison] Luckily, the president is not a lot of people. [He’s Just Cheney]
• No, the only trouble for the president is if this interrogation memo is repeatedly brought to the public’s attention by the press. Luckily, there are a couple of things on the president’s side. [Hint: Not “Habeas” or “Corpus”] Number one: the president has on his side what I call ‘torture fatigue.’ “The president says that torture is wrong, but he’s secretly says it’s okay!” We have heard this song before. [“Hit Me Baby, One More Time”]
• Through sheer repetition, the president’ made waterboarding waterboring. [Now Just Feels Like Regular Drowning]
• Now, six years ago, I never thought I would have this reaction: “Electrified nutsack.” *fakes a yawn* God, I need something to keep me awake. [How About An Electrified Nutsack?]
• Now, the second thing on the president’s side, here, is the 2008 elections. Look at this week’s Sunday morning shows three days after the interrogation memo leaked out. [*clips of various morning news shows focusing on the election race: ‘Meet the Press,’ ‘This Week with George Stephanopolous,’ ‘The McLaughlin Group,’ ‘Face the Nation’*]
• Not one of these shows did a roundtable on the legality of naked stress positions in frigid temperatures. [Or Whether McLaughlin’s Voice Qualifies As Torture]
• Because, folks, what the president does is no longer the story! The story is ‘who will be the next guy to detain enemy combatants’. [Winner Of “So You Think You Can Torture?”]
• Now, will it be Mitt Romney, and does he use mousse in his hair? And would the mousse in Romney’s hair beat Giuliani in the Iowa caucuses? [At Least Mousse Will Hold Position]
• You see, the more that sort of thing gets reported on, the less attention the president gets. And that’s great. Now, usually for presidents at the end of the second term, you just sit around, make your pardon lists, finish, uh, doing it in every room of the White House, and pose for your official White House portrait. [Portrait of Bush holding Nancy Pelosi’s head]
• It’s called the ‘lame duck period.’ [Lamer Than Mallard Fillmore?] Now, the president is unpopular. He’s got a Democratic Congress, and even Republican presidential candidates avoid him like the plague. [Plague Has Higher Approval Rating]
• So, why, folks, why pay attention to him? And the less people pay attention to him, the more he can do all the things that he doesn’t want people to pay attention to. [Catch-43]
• So, ladies and gentlemen of the media, by all means focus on what percentage Fred Thompson will beat McCain among moderate conservative pro-gun lobby anti-socialized health care pro-anti-immigration reform Hispanic nursemaids. [The “M.C.P.G.L.A.S.H.C.P.A.I.R.S.H.N.M.” Association] *whew* Please, keep treating the president like a lame duck! And that will allow him to be the mightiest duck this nation has ever seen. [Mighty Duck]
• Obama claims that what he says and does is more important than how he accessorizes. Well, I don’t buy it, and neither would Tim Gunn. You have to make your lapel work.
• And neither do the friendly friends over at Fox & Friends buy it. *clip of Fox & Friends* “So it would be-uh-be-hoove him to wear it.” You are right, brown-haired guy who’s not Steve Doocy. It might be-behoove him to wear it. I don’t think America wants a candidate who is unhooved.
• What happens if I take my jacket off, okay? *crowd goes wild* I mean, besides that.
• No. Real Americans are always patriotic, clothes on or clothes off. That is why I wear an American flag nipple ring. You asked.
• And now wherever I might take my shirt off – the steam room, the water park, Mardi Gras – I get a lot of beads – people say, “Hey, thay guy with the nipple ring really loves America.” And I do. Even when my patriotism caused an infection.
• But Nation… are you ready for a shocker? All right, you asked for it. I think Barack Obama is a patriot even without his flag pin.
• He’s wearing a WristStrong bracelet! Yeah! I believe he’s saying “power to the Me-ple.”
• Barack Obama is clearly an It-Getter! And I want to say thank you, Senator, for showing your true colors. My one quibble: you couldn’t wear that on your lapel?
• My guest tonight: the acclaimed host of late-night TV phenomenon ‘The Colbert Report.’ And author of the new masterpiece, ‘I Am America (And So Can You!)’. Please welcome a living legend – Stephen Colbert! Thank you for joining me!
• It’s a pleasure.
• Wow, I gotta say, in person, you have terrible skin.
• And I thought you would be taller.
• Okay, enough chitchat. Let’s push some paper! The book is called ‘I Am America (And So Can You!)’. Now, I usually don’t like to read, but I felt like this book spoke to me.
• Maybe you were listening to the audiobook.
• Could have been; I do love to read with my ears. Now, um, if I can get personal for a second, I was moved by your life story in this book. You’ve experienced some tragedy in your earlier life.
• You’re talking about my years on ‘The Daily Show’?
• Yes… um, Jon Stewart.
• I am familiar with the name.
• Are the stories true?
• *starts to cry* I can’t, I can’t.
• I’ll take that as a yes!
• Thank you.
• Here’s where I nail you.
• Uh oh, here it comes.
• You said on your first show, this. Jimmy? *clip from first ‘Report’* “I don’t trust books. They’re all fact, no heart.” If you’re no fan of books, then why did you write one?
• Well, I don’t know who checks your facts –
• Nobody!
• - but I did not write the book. I shouted it into a tape recorder over the Columbus Day weekend.
• Wow, that sounds exhausting.
• I can only compare it to giving birth to a pile of cassette tapes.
• So, what is the book about?
• Well, it’s about everything, Stephen. The fraud of our government and the lies of the media, it’ll tickle your funny bone and titillate your tittle bone. And, all while shedding pounds of flab and showing you how to buy real estate with no money down! It’s a self-help book, a cookbook, a gripping biography, a children’s book, a steamy romance, and a mystery.
• The only mystery is why anyone wouldn’t buy it.
• And it comes with a handy juicer. Here’s how it works. Okay, let’s take a glass, put it there, and *smashes the orange down*
• *Interviewer Stephen takes the glass of orange juice* Mmm. That really unlocked the vitamins. By the way, would you mind signing my copy?
• Only if you’ll sign mine!
• Of course!
• *Hands book over* Now, uh, how should I make this out?
• Just sign it.
• I don’t want to see this on Ebay!
• You know me too well. *Signs and hands it back*
• Now, what would you say is the biggest problem facing America today?
• Well, Stephen, the answer’s in my book, but I will give you a hint. It rhymes with ‘omosexuals.’
• I give up. All right. Before we go, I gotta ask you about something. Today, you were on Good Morning America, and you were interviewed by Diane Sawyer.
• Foxy lady.
• Granted. And here’s what you said. Jimmy? “A lot of people see this book as me testing the waters for a presidential run. I get it, I understand, I’m not confused by people wanting me to run but that’s a decision that obviously I have to make with my wife and my kids. It’s just not a question I’m ready to answer right now, so what’s your second question?”
• Wow. Wow. She was hammering you on that.
• Well Stephen, people want to know.
• So, are you running?
• I can’t answer that.
• Come on!
• Look, I will say to you what I said to Diane Sawyer. I am not ready to answer that question.
• And I will say to you what I would say to a cell-block b*tch. Give it!
• No.
• Do you want me to cut off your mike?
• You don’t have the balls!
• Jimmy, cut off his mike! *Cuts guest Stephen’s mike*
• *Guest Stephen starts to speak, but can only silently curse*
• But thank you for joining us!
• *‘I Am America (And So Can You!)’ commercial* This book contains my thoughts on sex, endangered animals, and sex with endangered animals. For the record, I’m against it.

Fangirl Suit Report: Dark grey suit, Solid crimson tie (Guest Stephen wore a bright blue tie), White shirt with barrel cuffs, WristStrong bracelet. (Coincidentally, almost the same outfit on the cover of – yep, ‘I Am America (And So Can You!)’)

The Formidable Interview: Stephen Colbert asks Stephen Colbert about his book, the Daily Show, and the presidency.

• Table of Contents: The New York Times reveals another national security secret. But it’s Tuesday, so it’s an easy one.
• I Am America On Sale Now! It’s not a party until the edges of the book line up with the angle of the display table.
• New Reagan Coin: Since Ronald Reagan has yet to receive his own coin, Stephen submits ideas for the new Lincoln penny.
• Mighty Duck: Keep treating this President like a lame duck and he’ll be the mightiest duck the US has ever seen.
• Obama’s Lapel: You don’t need a flag pin on your lapel to be a patriot. That’s why Stephen has a flag nipple ring.
• Lead-Free Ink: Stephen calms any fears we may still have about his new book.