Episode 3127 (10/8/2007)

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“It’s Columbus Day, but I won’t rest until ALL the State capitals are recognized. This is The Colbert Report!“

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Scold Rush: “Tonight, Rush Limbaugh is criticized for his comments about soldiers. If only he had some way to kill the pain of these attacks.”

• Columbus Day
• I Am America (And So Can You!) . . . and other books
• Rush Limbaugh’s “phony soldiers” comment

The WØRD: Medium Matters

Going Down with the S-Chip: “Then, Bush vetoes children’s healthcare legislation. Hey, if kids want heathcare, they should become congressmen.”

• Stephen Colbert’s Balls for Kidz: SCHIP

Tear a Saunders: “And my guest George Saunders says TV news commentators are making America shrill and divided. I’ll tell him, ‘You’re welcome’.”

• George Saunders – Author, The Braindead Megaphone

Guest Plug:

In closing: Happy I Am America (And So Can You!) Day! Good night, everybody!

• Stephen adds a copy of I Am America (And So Can You!) to his bookshelf

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NOTABLE MOMENTS

• Nation, it’s Columbus Day, the most un-American holiday in existence. Look, I’ve got nothing against discovering America, I just don’t think Christopher Columbus should get the credit.
• Columbus was a freeloading foreigner who came to this country to take jobs away from hardworking *American* discoverers.
• And don’t tell me “Discoverer of America” was a job that we didn’t want to do. You don’t think an American could have discovered America? We live here. How hard could it be? Oh look, America. Holiday, please!
• By the way, Columbus wasn’t even looking for America. He was seeking a trade route to India! That’s right, outsourcing jobs.
• Nation, I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this, but I have a book coming out: I Am America (And So Can You!), hitting bookstores everywhere at midnight tonight.
• My book is going to blow every other book out of the water.
• That includes holy water. You see, today, a new biography of Pope Benedict XVI came out in Italy. Well, your Holiness, you may be infallible, but your Amazon.com ranking is not.
• Now the biography is a children’s book titled, Joseph and Chico: A Cat Recounts the Life of Pope Benedict XVI. It was written by a tabby cat named Chico who calls the Pope, “my dearest friend, a wonderful man with whom I’ve spent many happy moments.”
• The Pope isn’t the only public figure to use a cute animal author to make them seem more lovable. Back in 1990, Barbara Bush had her dog, Millie, write about life in the White House, and just this year, Christopher Hitchens came out with God Is Not Great, which was written by a disgusting warthog.
• But, your Holiness, don’t think that your book is going to out-”cute” mine. Because I Am America (And So Can You!) was co-written by a six-week old puppy named Riley. Jimmy, roll the tape.
• [Stephen cuddling an adorable puppy as they sit at a keyboard] Let it out. Whatever you wanna tell me. You just type away! You just type away . . . if they don’t support the war, then they’re phony soldiers. Grrrr!
• *Oh look at the little fuzzy!*
• Oh, and Pope Benedict, we both need to worry about Ann Coulter’s new book. It was written by a Gila Monster. Really warms her up.
• Nation, once again the ‘dot.com-mies’ over at MediaMatters.org — I assume the “org” stands for “orgy” — are attacking conservative radio commentator Rush Limbaugh. Recently, the ‘web-shite’ posted this audioclip of Rush and a caller complaining about veterans who oppose the Iraq War. (Transcript courtesy of MediaMatters.org)
• CALLER 2: . . . They like to pull these soldiers that come up out of the blue and talk to the media.
• LIMBAUGH: The phony soldiers.
• CALLER 2: The phony soldiers. If you talk to a real soldier, they are proud to serve . . .
• Now, some veterans might have been offended, but sorry! Rush just calls this war like he sees it: from thousands of miles away in West Palm Beach.
• Now, Democrats in Congress have demanded Republicans denounce Limbaugh, and nobody has summed up how ridiculous all this is better than Republican Presidential front-runner, and friend of the show, Mike Huckabee.
• [Clip of Huckabee] “Last time I checked, the First Amendment has not been repealed. It is not the business of government to infringe upon the free speech of anybody, including a talk show host.”
• Bravo, Governor. That is the finest insight you’ve had since you ripped Hillary Clinton a new one for not voting to censure MoveOn.org over their “General Betray Us” ad.
• You said, “If you can’t get your lips off the backside of George Soros long enough to . . . say it’s wrong to declare a sitting General . . . guilty of treason, how would you ever expect to have the support of the very military you might have to send into deadly battle?”
• Now just because he condemned an attack on our troops when it came from the Left and defended it when it came from the Right, some are calling Huckabee a “Huck-pocrite”. But he isn’t. And the reason is tonight’s WØRD: Medium Matters.
• Folks, the “Betray Us” ad was offensive because it was in print. And that made it permanent. [Didn't Make It Any Less Stupid]
• I heard that after you throw away a New York Times, it takes over a hundred years for the lies to biodegrade [Friedman's Column Takes Extra Six Months].
• But Rush, Rush made his comment on the radio, and he chose a career in radio for a reason. [Face Made For It?]
• Because he can say whatever he wants and then it’s gone forever [Like George Allen].
• It’s the same freedom I enjoy with my radio show, “Colbert on the Ert”. For three hours a day . . . I shout whatever pops into my head, and it is over; I never give it a second thought [Or First Thought].
• Here’s a comment I made on my show just last night: “Look, all I’m saying is that people from Uruguay are human garbage.” Okay. Okay. That sounds pretty bad out of context. But the context was, “No one from Uruguay listens to my show” [Up Against "Good Morning, Montevideo"].
• So really, there’s no one to be insulted. It’s like the old saying, “If a tree says the ‘N’ word in the forest, is it offensive?” Because the last time I checked, there weren’t that many African-American lumberjacks [No Affirmative Axin'].
• So, so really, folks, who started this? [Clip of John Gibson, "Who started this phony war? Answer: Media Matters for America.] That’s right. *Hatemongers* like Media Matters take innocent statements — like mine, Rush Limbaugh’s, John Gibson’s and Bill O’Reilly’s — and MAKE them offensive by posting them on the internet, allowing the general public to hear words that were meant for people who already agree with us [Shrieking To The Choir].
• Hey, Media Matters, you want to end offensive speech? Then stop recording it for people who would be offended! Because the Constitution gives us broadcasters to say anything we want, but that doesn’t mean that just anyone has the right to listen.
• Nation, a large part of my viewers are children. Or at least, at least infantile. And some of the kids out there may have heard of a government program called SCHIP and are wondering what it is. Well, little Billy, you’re about to find out, in my latest installment of “Stephen Colbert’s Balls For Kidz”!
• Kid: What is SCHIP?
• Sen. Orrin Hatch: Chipper is a five year reauthorization which spends an additional $35 billion dollars in federal dollars, on the CHIP program . . .
• Kid: So what is it again?
• Rep. Jason Altmire: It’s a capped, block grant . . .
• Kid: I still don’t get what it is.
• Rep. John Dingell: It creates a new option for CHIP programs to subsidize employer options . . .
• Kid: Can you say it simpler? I’m just a kid.
• Sen. Chuck Grassley: You can’t call a cow a chicken and have it be true.
• Kidz: Huh?!
• Kid: What is SCHIP?!
• Unidentified congressman: Clause 9b that the resolution waives the application of clause 9a of Rule 21.
• Kid: This is giving me a headache.
• Same unidentified congressman (continuing): It is correct that clause 9b of Rule 21 provides a point of order . . .
• Kid: I don’t feel so good.
• Okay, kids, go to ColbertNation.com and find fun healthcare games like the Disease Word Search. Try to find the hidden childhood ailments, like: “chicken pox” and “scarlet fever”. Then, to win, don’t get them!
• Or, the Little Radiologist’s Home X-Ray Kit. If you can’t afford an X-ray, lay this outline over your arm and trace the bones. When you scream out in pain, you’ve found the break! Just, just draw in the crack. It’s so much fun, you might pass out.
• My guest tonight says that our national conversation is getting shrill and divisive. Well, I say people like him are evil. Please welcome George Saunders.
• [Editor's note: Saunders' right cuff buttons are mismatched - it's oddly mesmerizing.]
• Saunders: So the idea is, if you went to a party, say. All right? Bunch of intelligent Americans, hanging out, talking. They’re smart, they own businesses, they’ve had kids, they’ve lived. And they’re doing what you should do at a party which is, you know, commiserating, you talk, you communicate. Suddenly a guy walks in with a megaphone, right? And he says, “We’re eating more shrimp!” Right? Well, it screws up the party, right? Suddenly –
• Stephen: I might be interested in that shrimp. But go ahead.
• Saunders: Suddenly, everybody – everybody gets interrupted and they turn and look at that guy. And then, and then when he says, “Do you like shrimp? Would you like to hear our survey results on the shrimp?” it screws up the party. It lowers the intelligence ceiling of the party. And that’s exactly what Fox News and places like that are doing in the country. They’re lowering the intelligence ceiling of the national debate.
• Stephen: But — but what do you mean, just because they’re louder? I mean — that sounds like you’re being a ‘volum-ist’ . . . You know, that you’re offended by people who happen to express their opinions in a passionate enough way that they’re louder than you. But I’m sorry, not all of our words are muffled by a goatee.
• Saunders: It’s not only “loud”. It’s omnipresence and stupidity, combined with aggression.
• Stephen: What do you define as STUPIDITY and AGGRESSION? (Stephen leans forward menacingly, gestures empathetically on “stupidity” and “aggression”)
• Saunders: Well . . . (leaning away, resettling in his chair ostentatiously as Stephen continues to fix him with the gimlet stare) Here’s the thing: America is a better country than our media is making us out to be. We’re kinder, we’re smarter, we’re more compassionate. But a handful of people, who are basically having entertainment careers, are leading us to this area of kind of stupidity and simplicity.
• Saunders: . . . It’s a tonal problem.
• Stephen: A ‘tonal’ problem?
• Saunders: I’ll give you an example. If I say to my friend, who I love, “Jim, would you like a popsicle?” Right? Jim can answer. He can have it, or he can not have it. No problem. If I say, “Jim. Since you’re *obviously* an American-hating liberal, all about instant gratification, I suppose you’ll be wanting a popsicle!” Then, suddenly, he’s locked down; he can’t answer with any freedom. You know? It’s an unfair question and therefore the whole discourse goes into this area of kind of stupidity and simplicity and shrillness.
• Stephen: Let’s get back to this popsicle. What kind of popsicle — Are we talking about like a grape popsicle or a cherry popsicle or . . . ? ‘Cause that popsicle sounds –
• Saunders: Exactly! Exactly! See?!
• Stephen: — damn good at this point.
• Saunders: It does! It’s because I’m allowing you the space to really think about it. I’m not pre-judging your desire for the popsicle.
• Stephen: But you just, you, but thing is — I’m not really even thinking about it. I see the image of that popsicle and I just . . . taste, right there. What does the popsicle represent, here? ‘Cause I know you people are all about metaphors.
• Saunders: Sometimes a popsicle is just a popsicle.
• You know, Nation, it is only one minute until my book goes on sale, and I would like to say hi to everyone who dressed up like me and is standing in line at a bookstore right now.
• I hope you bought some authentic frameless lenses and aren’t just reusing your Harry Potter glasses; that’s cheating.
• Now, you all need to get to bed, so I can fly down the chimney of all the bookstores around the world and deliver my books.
• I Am America (And So Can You!) Eve is almost over, so I proudly place my *own* book on my *own* bookself in TEN-NINE-EIGHT-SEVEN-SIX-FIVE-FOUR-THREE-TWO-ONE!
• Happy I Am America (And So Can You!) Day!

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Fangirl Suit Report: Grey striped suit, pale blue (wrinkle-resistant?) dress shirt with single-button barrel cuffs. Red tie with small, colored dot pattern. WristSTRONG bracelet.

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Medium Matters: The Constitution gives media the right to say anything, but not everyone has the right to listen.

More Video Highlights, courtesy of Comedy Central’s Motherload

• Scold Rush: Rush Limbaugh is criticized for comments about soldiers – if only he had a way to kill the pain.
• Doggie Co-Author: The Pope is not the only one who wrote a book with a pet – Stephen worked with a puppy named Riley.
• Balls for Kidz: SCHIP
• George Saunders: George Saunders believes that America is a better country than our media is allowing us to be.
• I Am America (And So Can You!) Day: Stephen counts us down to the release of his new book.