“I already picked out my Halloween costume. I’m going as a guy who’s always right. This is The Colbert Report!“
Pyongyanger Management: “Tonight, The U.S. negotiates with North Korea. See. I told you Bush was Truman.”
- Seeking closure on Sasquatch
- Advice to Fred Thompson for igniting a crowd
- Peaceful disarmament of North Korea
The Wørd: Catastrophe
I Kill The Electric Car: “Plus, I look at the hidden dangers of hybrid cars. Danger #1: You can’t shut up about how you drive a hybrid car.”
- ThreatDown: Science and Technology Edition
- 5. Remote Control Toys!
- 4. Hybrid Cars!
- 3. Sloppy Scientists!
- 2. White Chocolate!
- 1. Robots!
K.O. Kao: “And my guest John Kao says that America has lost its lead in innovation. Clearly, he hasn’t tried Oreo Pizza.”
- John Kao – author, ‘Innovation Nation: How America Is Losing Its Innovation Edge, Why It Matters, and What We Can Do to Get It Back’
In closing: A special message for America.
Guest Plug:
NOTABLE MOMENTS
- I got a problem with Bigfoot.
- We have spent so much time and effort in this country wondering is he real or not that no one has stopped to ask the obvious question: How can we kill him?
- I don’t care if he exists – I just want to see a body. I’m tired of falling asleep fearing the Sasquatch. I need closure!
- Speaking of tall, mythical, shambling creatures: The Fred Thompson Presidential juggernaut keeps languidly creaking forward. I originally thought Thompson’s trade-marked laziness was an asset in a campaign. After all, if slow and steady wins the race then imagine what stationary and half asleep could do.
- *Stephen caught playing solitaire during a Thompson clip*
- There are other ways of getting applause without just coming out and asking for it. Am I right, people? *Audience applauds loudly*
- Thank you. That was so unexpected.
- If you’re really up against it, take a tip from musicians and just mention the town you’re in. NEW YORK CITY!! *audience cheers*
- Or, you could just point the camera at the audience. *pan of audience applauding and cheering*
- If all else fails, try this: “I’m high from smoking dope!” *audience cheers* I have to say, if you’re a presidential candidate, that should be your last choice.
- Who wants candy!?!? Wooo! Wooo! WristSTRONG bracelets!! Wooo! Wooo! T-shirts! Wooo! Wooo! Hats! Who wants a hat?!? Wooo! Wooo! A bong hit! Who wants a bong hit!?! Wooo! Wooo!
- There are options. And thank you for that spontaneous outburst of love.
- Now, I forgot what I was talking about… Fred Thompson’s candidacy… let’s just move on.
- Big news yesterday from the Korean Peninsula, and much of it had to do with Korea. North Korea, to be precise.
- North Korean strong man and part time bag lady Kim Jong Il has consented to dismantle the Pyongyanger nuclear reactor in exchange for an aid package. I believe we also agreed to redeem his shopping cart full of empty bottles at 10 cents a pop.
- There is a real danger here that this triumph of diplomacy could make people think that diplomacy can triumph and we know that that’s impossible, especially with terrorist states like North Korea. President Bush told us in 2002 that North Korea is one of the three tentacles of the deadly 3-armed octopus know as the Axis of Evil. [Technically a Tri-topus]
- They are a state sponsor of terror and we do not negotiate with terrorists. [On The First Date]
- That is something this administration has made clear from the beginning [clips of Bush and his administration saying "we do not negotiate with terrorists] or with nations harboring terrorists. [Just Joking, Saudi Arabia]
- Back in 2001, Vice President Chaney explained that we wouldn’t continue President Clinton’s talks with North Korea because, quote, “We don’t negotiate with evil. We defeat it.” [Or At Least Shoot It In The Face]
- The worst part about this diplomatic victory is that North Korea is getting 300-Million dollars’ worth of fuel oil and aid. [Plus Free Football Phone]
- Folks, only 300-million dollars? And we’re splitting the aid package with 3 other countries. Since when does America go dutch? This whole negotiation makes us look like a cheap date.
- Back in 2003 we could have tried one of these “cash for peace” negotiations with Iraq, but we went 1st class. [Cashed In Colin Powell's Reputation Miles] We went with a full scale invasion – Half a Trillion dollars. That kind of cash makes a statement. ["Tough Luck, Grandkids."]
- Luckily, there’s a way to save this situation. America must invade North Korea immediately – while we still have time to make it look like they disarmed because we attacked. [Might Make Might Look Right]
- And really, Folks, if you think about it, we have no choice. He is a brutal dictator who has killed his own people and he’s threatening his neighbors with weapons of mass destruction. I don’t understand why we’re not going in. [They Didn't Try To Kill Bush's Daddy]
- Those starving people will greet us as liberators. [And Source of Protein] But, if for some reason, we are not able to snatch military success from the jaws of diplomatic victory we should do the next best thing and claim it was our policy all along.
- What has 4 legs at dawn, 2 legs at noon, and 3 legs at sunset? I have no idea, but it could kill you.
- I have never trusted anything with remote. That’s why my iPhone has a land line. This stretches all the way back to Connecticut.
- “Airport screeners will be taking a closer look at remote control toys…due to concerns they could be used to detonate bombs.” Forget bombs! These are highly sophisticated devices designed to control vehicles. Who says they can’t take over the plane?
- I can’t believe how much that explosion startled me… I mean, startled Superman. *wink*
- Apparently these vehicles that swing both ways are so quiet, they pose a threat to blind people who rely on their hearing when they jaywalk. Oh, yea. Blind people love jaywalking. It’s a sick thrill.
- But I say nice job, Liberals. Oh yea – “let’s save the glaciers but mow down the blind.” Yea, all because you want to use an alternative fuel. Hey, I wonder what that alternative fuel could be made of – face it. It’s just one small step from running your hybrid into blind people and running your hybrid on blind people.
- Stephen: Jim, where’s my graphic? I asked for a mock-up of Al Gore fueling his car on blind people.
- Jim: We weren’t sure what that would look like.
- Stephen: What? It’s simple. Jim, you just take a picture of a gas station, you replace the gas pump with a meat grinder, you put a blind person – let’s say, Stevie Wonder – into the meat grinder and you have a hose coming from the meat grinder to the gas tank of your Prius and Al Gore is fueling it and he’s smiling because he’s so happy that this is how the world works now. Is that so hard to imagine? It’s all I see when I close my eyes.
- Jim: We’ll put that in for the West Coast feed.
- My respect for science hit a new low when I learned that U.S. labs had more than 100 accidents…since 2003…involving anthrax, bird flu virus, monkeypox and plague-causing bacteria…”
- Regulators say something but I stopped paying attention after I saw the words “plague”, “bacteria”, and “accident” in the same sentence. That’s why, tonight, I’m releasing a new line of work signs to encourage lab safety:
- ATTENTION This lab has worked for ______ DAYS without releasing a PLAGUE
- THINK! Before Spilling Anthrax
- JESUS! BE CAREFUL! THAT’S DEADLY MONKEY POX!
- “ebola” [in Jerry Blank voice]
- Kraft has just announced a recall of white chocolate due to possible salmonella poisoning. Now, the threat here isn’t salmonella. The threat here is white chocolate.
- God made chocolate brown. Put the brown back, science. I don’t care if you genetically engineer a pig that tastes like a lemon poppy seed muffin. Keep your mitts off my cocoa. And I don’t want any letters from the white chocolate industry. I stopped reading them years ago.
- I’ve been attacked by big white chocolate for a decade now. By the way, Big White Chocolate was also my street name when I briefly worked as a pimp. It’s hard for even me to believe, but it’s all true. And I’m not proud of it.
- According to a Georgia Tech study, some Roomba owners become deeply attached to their robotic vacuums.
- Nation, it is a slippery slope from finding your Roomba cute to eloping with your Dyson. It never loses suction. Think about it. I think about little else.
- Stephen: This book is going to be huge!
- Kao: Well, good. From your lips to God’s ears, I would say.
- Stephen: I say that often.
- If we don’t know math that well, will we even know that we’re not number 1?
- Is it time to invade Finland?
- Twenty years ago the United States did not have the technology to invade a country before they attacked us. But now we really innovated in that direction.
- What can we do to become less complacent without acknowledging we have a problem.
- Folks, before we go, here’s an important message for America. [start video]
- Man on the street: I used to be a Black man who had trouble hailing a cab. But after reading “I Am America (And So Can You!) by Stephen Colbert I am an American – who for some reason can’t get a cab.
- Stephen:*Dyanetics Volcano effect* I am America, and so can you. I have a dream… that you will buy my book.
- Man on the street: Anybody?
- Stephen: October 9th, march on Selma’s bookstores.
Fangirl Suit Report: Charcoal gray suit. Tan shirt with French cuffs. Gold silk tie.
Videos courtesy of Comedy Central MotherLoad
- I Kill The Electric Car: Table of Contents
- Put Your Hands Together: Stephen shows Senator Fred Thompson how to bring a crowd to their feet.
- The Word – Catastrophe: There is a real danger that this triumph of diplomacy could make people think diplomacy can triumph.
- ThreatDown – White Chocolate: Big White Chocolate was Stephen’s street name when he briefly worked as a pimp.
- John Kao: John Kao warns Stephen that if the US remains complacent, we will suffer a brain-drain to Finland.
- I Am America: Stephen has a dream – that you will buy his book on October 9.
I know this old, but wanted to point out that’s not a Jerri Blank voice when he says ebola, it’s a Jerry Lewis voice.
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