Episode 3125 (10/03/2007)

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“I may disagree with what you say, but I will fight to the death for my right to fight you to the death. This is The Colbert Report!“

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Eye on “I Am America”: Tonight, only 6 days until my book comes out. Spoiler alert: it’s fantastic!

• An enhanced version of previous facts from last night
• Senate passes new hate crime bill
• The Gay Roundup

Special Guest: Dan Savage, syndicated sex advice columnist

I’m Always Chasing Rainbows: Then, I’ll talk about gay issues, but I’ll be thinking about straight issues the whole time.

• Alpha Dog of the Week: President George W. Bush
• Monkey on the Lam!

Houston, We Have A Program: And my guest is astronaut Jim Lovell. Careful – my studio has 5 times Earth’s gravitas.

• Jim Lovell, former Apollo Astronaut and featured in the documentary “In The Shadow of the Moon“

In closing: That’s it for ‘The Report’. We landed on the moon!

VIDEOS: Wednesday, October 3, 2007

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NOTABLE MOMENTS

• I’m not going to say I don’t deserve it, because I do.
• I have to issue a rare correction, although I am not entirely comfortable with that term. I prefer “enhanced version of previous facts”.
• *Stephen turns to smarmy sales pitchman*
• I should never have said that Paul Krugman has the balls to release a book the same day as me and I apologize for unfairly painting him as courageous.
• I made the mistake of believing what I read on PublishersWeekly.com. Obviously, Mr. Krugman was supposed to release his book on October 9th but pushed it nearly a week back for some reason – some unknown reason. Nation, until Krugman tells us why he changed his release date I’m going to have to assume he’s using those extra 6 days to buy ‘I Am America (And So Can You!)‘ to steal his favorite passages and put them in his book, ‘The Conscience of a Liberal‘ which, by the way, has an eerily similar title of Senator Paul Wellstone’s 2002 book ‘The Conscience of a Liberal‘.
• Apparently, the conscience of a Liberal thinks it’s O.K. to steal.
• I, of course, would never do something like that and I resent the accusation. I challenge anyone to find a single instance of plagiarism in my book. Better make that two.
• The question now is who else is going to buckle under the pressure and run away from their October 9th release dates with their book marks between there legs? What about you, Matthew Reinhart? Will you still have the stones to put out ‘Star Wars: A Pop-Up Guide to the Galaxy‘? Or will you crumble like a B-1 Battle Droid? More on this as it unfolds.
• The media is pushing it’s homosexual agenda, again, by reminding us that there are homosexuals.
• Let me say this clearly: You should never attack someone based on sexual orientation and gender. You should attack them based on fear and anger.
• Besides, violence is never the answer. You can do far more damage pantsing them in gym class.
• We tackle that and other issues in our new segment: Gay Roundup
• I am straight, myself, and so am not fully qualified to discuss these issues. I need an expert. Someone like syndicated sex columnist and friend of the show – but just friends – Dan Savage.
• • Dan: I’m insinuating that you’re a heterosexual – are you rejecting that?
  • Stephen: Nope. No. Not at all. I’m embracing it like a heterosexual would.
• Here’s what I have against the pro-hate-crimes people; if you just take the first two parts of that statement, you’re pro-hate.
• I guess it’s just hard to imagine gay people in Idaho.
• He [Senator Larry Craig] recently came out of the closet and announced that he was gay using a well known code. [video clip of Sen. Craig declaring he is not gay.]
• • Dan: You’re likelier to be busted in a bathroom seeking gay sex than I am, as an out-gay man.
  • Stephen: Excuse me?
  • Dan: Larry Craig, for the time being, is a heterosexually identified man so he’s yours
  • Stephen: Then why, if there are so many heterosexually identified men who are actually homosexuals why are not gay people in the streets marching for the rights of heterosexually identified men?
  • Dan: There are some gay people who are happy to assist heterosexually identified men in all sorts of ways… but not Larry Craig.
• Last week, while teaching what I believe to be a core curriculum course at Columbia, Iranian President Mahmoud Ak-MoveOn-Dot-Org-ijad said this: [clip of Ahmadinejad saying Iran does not have homosexuals like in the US]
• Can we arm them – can they be a gay Mujah Hadeen, fighting for us – a Muja HaQueen, as it were?
• Are you saying Bin-Laden is gay? Because, if he were, we would have to protect him under hate crime laws!
• Nailed you, didn’t I? In a very straight way.
• If Lassie had any balls, she would have told Timmy to haul himself out of that abandoned mine shaft.
• It goes without saying that President Bush could be my Alpha-Dog every week – he has certainly left his mark all over this country. But now he has outdone even himself.
• For years the Left has accused the Bush administration of doing nothing on global warming – as if intimidating scientists is nothing.
• But the President cares just as much about climate change as Al Gore – he just would have called his documentary ‘How Inconvenient That The Science Isn’t In Yet’.
• This week the President proved just how much he cares by hosting a global warming summit where he asked the rest of the world to follow him on climate change. And takes glacier sized balls – pre-global warming.
• Next summer the goal will be finalized. At this rate we should be able to take action on global warming by January 20th, 2009.
• In one day the President leapt from the back of the pack to the lead husky, leaving the rest of the world staring at his swinging sack. And let tell you, it is an hypnotic sight.
• Mr. President, for leading with a bold commitment to finalize a goal for future possible action to solve global warming – you, Sir, are my Alpha Dog of the Week.
• Lock your doors and hide your bananas – there’s a monkey on the lam!
• So far Animal Control cannot find the monkey or its owner – and no wonder. Look at the photo they released of the pair. What did that monkey do to her face?
• Come on! Columbia, Missouri, doesn’t have a full time monkey expert? What is Homeland Security doing with all that cash?
• This story came with a chilling postscript: Monkey business is not new to Columbia.
• I’m not saying that the 1943 monkey and the 2007 monkey are the same monkey. But if your a Missourian and a monkey tries to sell you World War II bonds, get the hell out of there. Because that’s no ordinary monkey – that’s a monkey on the lam!
• My guest tonight is an astronaut who has seen the dark side of the moon. I’ll ask him if he saw it while listening to ‘The Wizard of Oz’ soundtrack.
• *Is Stephen fan-boying on Jim Lovell – and the movie?!?*
• I saw this movie on opening night and the first thing I thought was my childhood was better than my children’s childhood because I had these heroes to look up to they’ve got guys like Dwane ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
• I never thought I would say this… the market has spoken – the moon landing happened.
• I’ll never forget where I was when I found out that your movie made more money that Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson’s.
• That’s why I will never go into space, because I hear it’s a humbling experience and I don’t want that.
• What is the ‘Right Stuff’ – because I think some of my audience members might want to do that. They already drink a lot of Tang and live on dehydrated foods like fruit roll-ups.
• You, Sir, are a steely eyed missile man.

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Fangirl Suit Report: Light gray pinstripe suit. Cream shirt with French cuffs. Red, silver and blue striped tie. Red WristSTRONG bracelet.