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“New York Mets, congratulations on your record-setting season. This is The Colbert Report!“

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Iran Not Far Away: “Tonight: Are we preparing for war with Iran? I hope so, we’ve got to free those hostages. It’s day 10,194 . . .”

• Stephen issues a challenge to Dennis Kucinich!

The WØRD: Evitable

Snooze Alarm: “Then, can sleep deprivation kill you? It’s a terrifying story guaranteed to keep you up at night.”

• Cheating Death with Dr. Stephen T. Colbert, D.F.A.
• Sleep Science
• Weight Control
• Men’s Health

Taming the Savage: “Then, my guest Charlie Savage has written a book about the return of the imperial Presidency. I hope this means we can feed the Press Corps to the lions.”

• Charlie Savage – Author, Takeover, and 2007 Pulitzer Prize winner for his Boston Globe articles on Presidential signing statements

Guest Plug: The Boston Globe, and:

In closing: Hey. Nation, I’m having too good a time to say goodnight. Let’s — let’s have a deep talk over pancakes at the diner and then watch the sun rise. Too much? Too soon? Yeah, it’s cool. Good night.

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NOTABLE MOMENTS

• Nation, I’ve gotta say, last week’s Democratic presidential debate really worried me. And not just because the leading candidates said that they might cut and run from Iraq — in 2013 — no! I’m concerned about the Democratic Party Headquarters house-elf, Dennis Kucinich.
• [Clip of Kucinich holding up his favorite prayer, "Lord, make me an instrument of your peace," carried with him in his pocket.]
• I assume that in Kucinich’s case, that instrument would be a pan flute.
• Still, there’s nothing wrong with having a prayer in your pocket. But remember this? [Clip of Kucinich holing up his pocket Constitution.]
• Okay, okay. Nothing wrong with having a prayer and the Constitution in your pocket. You never know when you might want to cite the Nineteenth Amendment guaranteeing a woman’s right to vote; chicks dig it. Trust me, guys, you will get ratified.
• But then, I read something about Kucinich in The Christian Science Monitor. “‘Brothers and sisters’, he says as he pulls his AFL-CIO membership card from his wallet.”
• Okay, okay: prayer, Constitution, union card, fair enough. But then, I learn in Mother Jones magazine, that he also “. . . carries a ’60’s Topps card of Indians slugger Rocky Colavito . . .” Fine, baseball card. He’s looking forward to the day when he can put it in the spokes of his new campaign bike.
• But now the same article says that he also carries a “. . . fragment from Spanish philosopher Miguel de Unamuno: ‘Only he who attempts the absurd is capable of achieving the impossible.’”
• Still okay. After all, it worked when he asked out his absurdly hot wife.
• But, this article from The Cleveland Plain Dealer alarmed me. “Kucinich pulls a bag of green tea from his jacket pocket and dips it three or four times into the hot water, imperceptibly changing its color. He squeezes the water out of the bag and slips it back into his pocket.”
• Now just one cotton pickin’ minute! Cards are one thing, but now youy have breakfast in there?! Not even Mike Gravel is crazy enough to keep used tea bags in his pockets; he puts them in his hobo bindle. It’s far more dignified.
• Congressman Kucinich, just how big *are* your pockets? And is it like one big pocket, or a lot of small ones; what’s going on? I know your campaign is strapped, sir, but for God’s sake, buy a briefcase!
• You have so many things squirreled away in there, I have no choice but to assume, that’s the reason we haven’t found bin Laden [graphic of bin Laden peeking out of Kucinich's lapel pocket]. Which is why I challenge you, Congressman, to come on my show and empty your pockets!
• Until you do, sir, you are On Notice. As you can clearly see from my pocket On Notice board. Oh, ball’s in your court — and, probably in your pocket.
• It’s small, but it stings just as much.
• Folks, you know, sometimes I don’t think Congress has America’s best interests at heart. For example, when they convene. But, every once in a while, they pass a bill that restores my faith in the system. Like Wednesday’s Lieberman-Kyl Amendment which passed by a 76-22 margin and calls on President Bush to declare Iran’s Revolutionary Guard a terrorist organization.
• The President is prosecuting a War on Terror; this makes Iran the second front. But not everyone supports our troops enough to give them the job security a war with Iran would provide.
• People like Senator Jim Webb, who voted against the Amendment, calling it “Dick Cheney’s fondest pipe dream.” Well, that is completely unfair; everyone knows Dick Cheney’s fondest pipe dream is driving a bulldozer into The New York Times, while drinking crude oil out of Keith Olbermann’s skull.
• And I was particularly disturbed to hear John Edwards criticize the Senate for passing this bill. [Clip of Edwards saying, "You cannot give this President the authority, and you can't even give him the first step in that authority . . ."]
• “First” step?! That implies there’s more than one step to war with Iran. Sorry, Senator, but last time *I* walked off a cliff? One step did it.
• Now, multiple steps are for diplomats and ballroom dancers. Why aren’t we prying Mahmoud Ah-Maroon-5-ijahd out of a spider hole yet?
• You know, folks, when I look back on the months leading up to our invasion of Iraq, one thing is clear [Ted Koppel Should Never Wear A Helmet].
• It seemed inevitable; thanks, in no small part, to the news media’s crack reporting [On Crack]. This time, the press has been strangely hesitant to beat the war drums.
• Well, thankfully, when it comes to Iran, while some organizations ask, “Why?” Fox News asks, “Why not?” [Also Their Approach To Fact-Checking]
• Last week, Sean Hannity outlined what war with Iran might be like. [Montage of clips, including some video games and clips from Star Wars.]
• And on Saturday, Fox aired another fair and balanced investigation, hosted by former Bush Iraq spokesman Dan Senor. [Montage of more fearsome images, ending with Senor facing Joe Lieberman and saying, "Iran scares me, right now, more than anything I've seen."] The scariest thing he’s ever seen! And he’s looking at Joe Lieberman!
• But evidently, these investigations aren’t enough, folks. According to a CNN poll, only 33% of Americans would support military action against Iran. [Editor's note: Seriously?! That many?!]
• And I blame the “hindsight-huggers”, who keep pointing to the war in Iraq and saying, ‘It could have been averted, if we had just used diplomacy first and built international support through the U.N.’ [Coalition of the Rational]
• Well, in fact, that would not have averted it, because according to an article last week in the Spanish newspaper, El País [Spanish for "The Pies"], during a secret meeting in February of 2003, President Bush told Prime Minister Aznar that regardless of U.N. support, and despite telling Americans no decision had been made, “We’ll be in Baghdad by the end of March.” And we were in Baghdad at the end of March [Actually April 9, 2003]. Close enough.
• And, President Bush could keep that promise, because back then, war with Iraq seemed inevitable. But for Iran, Fox can’t do it alone, and the American people have lost their stomach for war [But Oddly, Not For Oreo Pizza].
• Now, I think our only hope is that, when it comes to Iran, the President will do the one thing that still inevitable: [Inevitable] Whatever he wants.
• The fearmongers over at CNN are mongering fear again. According to a recent report, doctors are writing some 65 million prescriptions every year for drugs that are not FDA-approved. Big whoop-itty-do.
• Your body has its own regulatory agency, folks. When you ingest chemicals that are bad for you, your body alerts you — by dying.
• Besides, reports say that Americans are living loger than ever. Coincidence? Yes. But if highly experimental, non-approved medication is what you want, get ready for Cheating Death with Dr. Stephen T. Colbert, D.F.A.
• As always, Cheating Death is brought to you by Prescott Pharmaceuticals. The tingling tells you it’s working. The class-action lawsuit tells you it’s Prescott.
• A new study out of England has found that people who consistently do not get enough sleep are more than twice as likely to die of heart disease.
• Well, folks, if work is interfering with your sleep, I say sleep while you work. It is possible to sleep while doing simple tasks, like long-haul trucking, operating a bandsaw and running for President [shows a picture of Fred Thompson].
• But, if you need a little extra help catching those Zs, there’s Vaxasom. It’s made of a specially formulated compound that mimcs the effects of “roofies”. In that they are roofies.
• Warning: Vaxasom is a mildly addictive sedative. Only use Vaxasom if you can devote the next eight to ten hours of your life to sleep, and the next eight to ten years of your life to rehab.
• A study in the journal Neurology says that the onset of Alzheimer’s may be linked to being underweight. Seniors, thin is not in, fat is where it’s at.
• So, if you want to protect your memory, I recommend supplementing your diet with bratwurst splits.
• This is why seniors in Wisconsin will never forget how the Milwaukee Brewers folded like a beer napkin this season. [Editor's note: This former Wisconsinite says, "Ouch."]
• Now if you really want to pack on the pounds the natural way, I recommend Vaxamax . . . It is the only protein powder you don’t have to mix with anything else. Just jam a straw in there and suck it down. It’s like a PixieStick — that tastes like meat.
• Side effects may include vein seizures, aortal collapse, monkey-lung.
• According to the New England Journal of Medicine, gynecomastia, the enlargement of breast tissue in men, is quite common. And why I get so distracted whenever I try to carry on a cocktail conversation with Bob Novak.
• This condition occurs mostly in teenage boys. So, guys, it is nothing to be embarrassed about, but keep your hands off your own rack. At least until you’re married to yourself. No one buys the cow when they can get the milk for free. You’ll understand that later.
• For those of you who want to rid themselves of their man-cleavage, I am proud to introduce Vaxa-mamm: male breast reduction cream. Apply once and go straight to the hospital. You’re gonna want to get this stuff off. It burns.
• Vaxa-mamm: Autonomous nipple syndrome, genital migration, and braintooth.
• Well, that’s Cheating Death, brought to you by the good folks at Prescott Pharmaceuticals. Prescott: It’s good for what ails you, and it may also be what ails you. Until next time, I’ll see you in health!
• My guest tonight says President Bush is acting like a king. Sounds like someone didn’t get a dukedom . . .
• We’re in a time of war, so why shouldn’t the President have unchecked power? Our enemies don’t have checked power . . . Our only way to check our enemies is for the President to be omnipotent.
• Savage: There’s two things to say about this. First of all, this is not just about national security. This is something that goes beyond classified matters and how we protect ourselves from our enemies; this is something that was on the table and discussed in January 2001, long before 9/11 and the War on Terrorism, and it goes all over the place. Beyond that, the founders of this country had a very distinct idea of what American-style democracy was supposed to be about.
• Stephen: Sure. Men, and no Black people.
• Savage: Beyond that. Their idea was that, in addition to having an election every four years, in addition to having an election every four years, you could not be assured — because human beings are flawed — that the right person would make the right decisions at all times, and so they wanted to have a system in which no one wielded concentrated power.
• Wait, wait, wait. Why would Cheney want to push Executive power? He’s not part of the Executive Branch.
• Give me some, give me some specifics, here. You’re being very generally, like all people who don’t like President Bush do; they all go, “Oh, he’s ruining the world!” How, specifically . . . what has he done, specifically, to take away power from other branches?
• Savage: . . . They have used signing statements at an unprecedented clip, challenging more laws limiting Presidential power than all previous Presidents in U.S. history, combined.
• Stephen: Why shouldn’t he do that? But, but other Presidents have used the signing statements; it’s not Bush’s fault that the other Presidents said, “I’m just going to use it a little.” He opened up the old drawer and said, “Look, there’s a knife in there; I’m going to stab everything!”
• Savage: That’s absolutely right, that’s absolutely right, and this goes to a critical point, here. Although President Bush has used these signing statements and all these other powers at a much more aggressive and unprecedented clip, previous Presidents have also pushed the envelope, of both parties. And that’s why you say Presidential power is not a partisan issue.
• Stephen: What else has he done? What other specific things has he done?
• Savage: He’s claimed the right to imprison U.S. citizens without trial –
• Stephen: He HAS the right to do it! If they are “enemy combatants”, he can do it. I mean, they do it on that show, 24. Are you saying that a fictional President should have more power than the real President? Then Hollywood will have won, don’t you think?
• Well, you say this is bad for America, I say it’s good for America. Let’s wait a while, see how history judges. Come back during Bush’s third term, and we’ll decide.

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Fangirl Suit Report: Black striped suit (black on black stripes), white shirt with double-button barrel cuffs. Dark red tie, light dot pattern. Relatively fluffy hair.

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Cheating Death — Sleep: If work is interfering with your sleep, Dr. Stephen T. Colbert says sleep while you work.

More Video Highlights, courtesy of Comedy Central’s Motherload

• Daily/Colbert — Book Reviews: Stephen’s book is nearly out and the reviews are in. Sort of.
• Iran Not Far Away: Are we preparing for war with Iran? Hope so — we have to free those hostages. It’s day 10,194.
• On Notice — Kucinich: Until Dennis Kucinich comes on the show, Stephen puts him on the pocket-size On Notice board.
• Evitable: When it comes to Iran, the President will do the one thing that is inevitable — whatever he wants.
• Charlie Savage: Stephen invites Charlie Savage to return to the show during Bush’s third term.

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Related posts


• Episode 4070 (05/29/2008)
• Episode 4069 (05/28/2008)
• Episode 4067 (05/15/2008)
• Episode 4066 (5/14/08)
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