Sep
30
Episode 3121 (9/26/2007)
By
“I’m living high on the hog, and let me tell you, hogs make a terrible foundation. This is The Colbert Report!”
Must Flee TV: “Tonight, NBC pulls its shows from iTunes. Too bad – I love working out to Brian Williams.”
- Tony Bennett’s Emmy speech
- iPod does not show ads during their downloaded videos of ‘The Colbert Report’
The Wørd: A Word From Our Sponsors
Three-Party Circus: “Then, do we need a third political party? I don’t think we need a second political party.”
Anthony & Cleopatriotic: “And my guest is Tony Bennett. He may have left his heart in San Francisco, but he tore my heart out in Los Angeles.”
In closing:
INTERNET COL-BOMB SITE OF THE DAY:Unity08.com – Centrist ticket movement
NOTABLE MOMENTS
- We’ve got two guests – Sam Waterston is here. Folks, I am going to nail him, and then time permitting, I’m going to nail his eyebrows.
- Now, as you may recall, Tony Bennett was involved in a tragic incident earlier this month. [Emmy video: The Emmy goes to Tony Bennett] HE STOLE MY EMMY!
- How could I stay mad at him? I love Target, too. Jim …? [Picture of "Stephen" with Target logos on his nipples.] Those weren’t tattoos, I was born that way.
- Last week, for the first time since 1976, the Canadian dollar was worth more than the American dollar. Their dollar is ootperforming ours. It just doesn’t make any sense. Back in 2002, their dollar was only worth $0.64 cents. Somebody better figure out what has happened in the past five years and put a stop to it.
- Nation, they are saying that this, right here [holds up US dollar] is no better than this [holds up CAD$1 Loonie]. Which is basically saying that our first president, George Washington, is no better than Canada’s first president, this duck. Canada was founded by a duck, a beaver and a moose.
- Call Duck or Queen. You know what? It was Queen, by the way …
- RECYCLED JOKE ALERT: SWC calculator gag!
- Canada, you owe us $905 Billion Dollars, ok? Pay up! Oh, and if we could get that in Canadian dollars, that would be great.
- Nation, this show is available for download on iTunes. And while it’s great that you can get me anywhere, anytime, there’s one thing about it that disturbs me. iTunes doesn’t give you the whole show. They cut out the part that I really care about, the ads. When I think about how hard our advertisers work to inform young men that Axe Body Spray will make beautiful women dry hump them in elevators, and then realize that that message isn’t getting through on iTunes, I just get so MAD!
- Whoo! [tries to spray Axe on himself but nothing comes out] There is evidentally, I did not know this, evidentally there is a safety switch on Axe body spray. There you go [gets it to spray] … mmm … I’m gonna keep that safety on.
- Advertisers just can’t get their message out. [This Space For Rent]
- Too often today, advertising is dangerously stale. Look at this – the sleeve on my morning coffee was an ad for CBS’s ‘Cane’ starring Jimmy Smits [Piping Hot!] Fair enough. But then I realized that Cane premiered last night, this isn’t the freshest. I immediately threw my coffee into a garbage can that was also advertising CBS’s ‘Cane’. So I threw that garbage can into a fresher garbage can. ["Fresher" garbage can features IAA(ASCY!) ad - "Buy It Today!"]
- NBC’s new plan only has one flaw [Doesn't De-invent Tivo], and I am going to scoop them. NBC Direct doesn’t start until October, but tonight I am proud to present a sneak peak of my new, cutting-edge innovation called Colbert Direct. Coming at you for 2 1/2 minutes, four times a show. Now, make sure you don’t fast forward, or you’ll miss the most innovative technology on television. Jimmy, let’s give them the fresh. [Cut to commercial]
- [back from commercials] And that’s the Word. We’ll be right back. Welcome back. By the way, iTunes, leave those commercials in. They are part of the show.
- As Abraham Lincoln said, a house divided against itself is much easier to clean.
- I want you to imagine that Republicans are this red beaker of Sodium Bicarbonate, while Democrats are this blue beaker of vinegar, and America is this volcano. Bring it out, boys. [stagehands bring out paper mache volcano in the shape of the United States. There it it, that's America. Something's happened in Kansas, but we're not going to talk about that right now. Let's see what happens when we form a unity ticket of the two parties. [pours in baking soda] Hey, let’s be bi-partisan [pours in vinegar] Is this what we want for our nation?
- So you want to do this unity ticket for moderates? What’s the difference between moderates and ball-less? Don’t you need cajones to be out on the fringe, screaming at each other?
- Don’t you need to be passionate at all times to get things done? How can you be modearte about Iraq? It’s the surge, not the nudge. How do you be moderate about immigration – let them come as far as Oklahoma? No, you build a wall, or you just start learning Spanish, there’s nothing in between.
- If the people on the Internet vote, this is going to be your candidate. [The "Leave Britney Alone" guy]
- I might go with the “Don’t Tase Me, Bro” guy.
- From the Tony Bennett interview:
- Stephen: You’re a Living Legend
- Tony: In my own mind.
- Stephen: I know how that feels
- Stephen: So, speaking on behalf of people who compete for these awards, when will you retire? Give us some hope!
- Tony: I’m not retiring.
- Stephen: Can’t you leave something on the table, come on! The other fish gotta drink too.
- Tony: I suspect that you might be a bit envious.
- Stephen: I don’t know what gave you that impression.
- Stephen and Tony sing together – Heaven!
Fangirl Suit Report:Dark black suit, Faint gray dress shirts with French cuffs, Bright Mustard yellow tie with tone-on-tone square patterns, WristSTRONG bracelet.
Videos, courtesy of Comedy Central’s Motherload
- Must Flee TV: NBC pulls its shows from iTunes. Too bad – Stephen loved working out to Brian Williams.
- Forgiving Bennett: Stephen couldn’t stay mad at Tony Bennett after listening to his Emmy acceptance speech.
- Canadian Dollar: Stephen figures out that Canada owes the U.S. $905 billion for copyright infringement.
- A Word From Our Sponsors: Stephen gives us a sneak peak of his new cutting edge video innovation – Colbert Direct.
- Sam Waterston: Sam Waterston invites us to go to Unity08.com to choose Stephen’s presidential running mate.
- Tony Bennett: Tony Bennett feels that celebrities have an obligation to speak up against injustice.
Who’s Got The Last Laugh Now?
Stephen joins Tony Bennet for a duet of “They All Laughed”
Related posts
