Episode 3122 (09/27/2007)

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“The answer to tonight’s sudoku is 123456789, not necessarily in that order. This is The Colbert Report!“

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Dartmouthing Off: Tonight – The Democrats face off at Dartmouth. I can’t wait to see who got tasered.

• Stephen has a dream
• Tim Russert sets up Hillary Clinton
• House bill extending children health coverage.

The Wørd: Early Immunization

Schipped Beef: Then, Congress passes a bill that would give health care to poor kids. Don’t we already have the Flintstone Vitamin’s program?

• Wrist Watch: The Fame Pyramid

Schwartz and Egger: And film historian David Schwartz is here to talk about Presidential campaign ads. My name is Stephen Colbert and I approve this guest.

• David Schwartz – Chief Curator, Museum of the Moving Image

In closing: Before we go, I’d like to leave you with a Presidential campaign ad from 1984 that I’d like to see more of. Good Night.

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INTERNET COL-BOMB SITE OF THE DAY:
LivingRoomCandidate.org
Museum of the Moving Image collection of historical Presidential Campaign advertisements.

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NOTABLE MOMENTS

• I keep a watchful eye for news coming out of ancient Egypt. It’s one of my Google alerts. So my ear perked up this Tuesday when Egyptian antiquities chief Zahi Hawass stated that despite the repeated claims by African-American groups here in the United States, King Tut was not black.
• I don’t want to anger either side of this debate, but I think the truth is pretty obvious – King Tut wasn’t black, or white. He was gold.
• I don’t see race, but I do see currency.
• When will we finally be able to put aside our petty labels of black and white and start seeing people as gold or not gold.
• I have a dream! A dream that some day we will live in a land where we are not judged by the color of our skin, but by its carat weight. I have a dream that one day little gold children will run and play with children of baser metals. I have a dream today!
• I also have a dream that I am covered in gold and buried with all my possessions in a manor befitting a ruler descended from the Gods. It’s a separate dream from the other ones, but it is really good. And I usually wake up with an obelisk.
• Last night’s presidential debate combined two of my least favorite things – Democrats and MSNBC.
• I tuned in anyway because it was held at Dartmouth – my Alma Mater – at the Hopkins Center. The Hop. I assumed that they would mention me or show some of my old graffiti. “Fartmouth” is trade marked, current Dartmouth students. Hands off.
• Tim Russert did a great job of going for the jugular in the Democrats already bleeding hearts. Just watch him set up Hillary about being soft on terror.
• She should have tortured some one to learn about that bomb Tim Russert just dropped.
• I may be turning the corner on Hillary Clinton. It’s just nice to know that like the rest of us, after a long, hard day at work, the Clintons come home, unwind, and talk about torture. You just pop open a bottle of wine, snuggle up in bed, put on some Leno and discuss when it’s ok to shock the genitals of an enemy combatant. Maybe it’s pillow talk, maybe it’s foreplay, I don’t know. All I’m saying is, “Geneva Convention” is a good safe word.
• As you all know, America is facing a health care crisis – in that the Democrets are… or the Democrats, either one. In that the Democrats are trying to provide health care.
• Every Democratic Presidential candidate has a plan to just give away health insurance – from Obama, Edwards, and Hillary’s mandatory coverage plans, which would all be funded by repealing Bush’s tax cuts, to Mike Gravel’s plan of rummaging through pharmacy dumpsters which he would pay for by playing the saw on the subway.
• A more immediate threat came on Tuesday when the House voted on a bill to extend the so called “S-chip” program which would expand the health care program to millions of uninsured kids whose families currently make a little too much money to receive Medicaid.
• If these kids’ parents tried hard enough, I’m sure they could get poor enough to qualify.
• As soon as President Bush saw this bill he sounded the alarm.
• Health care for every American? This bill is clearly a Trojan Horse. And do you know what’s inside that Trojan Horse? [Trojan Poop?] Socialized medicine.
• That’s why President Bush has to veto it. But he is not a monster. [Just A Ghost Of His Former Self] Folks, he wants what’s best for our children and in this case that means not giving them health care. [You'll Feel A Little Pinch]
• I remember when I was a kid and had the chicken pox. The doctor didn’t quarantine me. He sent me to school so the other kids could be exposed and develop an immunity. [Tactic Especially Popular With Childless Doctors]
• When you’re exposed to a disease, your cells create antibodies that prevent you from getting that illness again. [Why Jeb Will Never Be Elected] It’s a lot like touching a hot stove. The next time you touch a hot stove it doesn’t burn you. [Stephen Has No Fingerprints]
• If we really care for our kids, we should deny them Government Health Insurance now to immunize them against expecting it as adults. If we don’t, when they grow up, who knows what other unrealistic things they’re going to expect. [Social Security?]
• If we fund Head Start now, the later they’ll expect education. If we fund school lunches now, later they’ll expect food. [Will Settle For High Fructose Corn Syrup]
• Mr. President – you must kill that bill. It’s not just a veto, it’s a vaccination.
• I recently triumphed over a life altering wrist injury. Although the cast came off over a month ago, I’m still suffering from what psychologists call Post Traumatic Wrist Disorder. I only hope I have the strength and the prescription refills to get through it.
• Don’t worry folks. These are not old pain killers. I kicked those. These are for my phantom limb syndrome. When I’m not taking these I can still feel my limbs.
• To promote awareness of wrist injuries, I introduced my WristSTRONG bracelet available at ColbertNation.com – all proceeds go to the Yellow Ribbon Fund.
• I instructed you heroes to pass them up the celebrity food chain. If you see someone more famous than you, give it to them. It’s like playing 6-degrees of give your WristSTRONG bracelet to Kevin Bacon. Except maybe not Kevin Bacon. [changes photo to Brad Pitt.]
• I’ve already gotten them to Bill O’Reilly, Katie Couric, Brian Williams, and Matt Lauer. Well, you heroes have stepped up because the bracelets are showing up on people I didn’t give them to.
• It’s time to check in on Who’s Who among the Wrist Aware in tonights Wrist Watch.
• My bracelets are working their way up what anthropologists call “the fame pyramid”. Classically, the base of the pyramid is made up of newsmen. And the latest anchor to wrist-up is Fox News’ Neil Cavuto. My one quibble: Cavuto missed the opportunity to wrist former Fed Chairman Allen Greenspan. If Greenspan could do for my bracelets what he did for secured short term lending through Federal repurchasement agreements, can you imagine how great that would be?
• Larry King showed his support for the differently wristed. Larry, that is a great start, but is this too much to ask for? [Larry in WristSTRONG suspenders]
• The next tier in the fame pyramid – the entertainment elite. First up – brace yourself, ladies, Adrian Grenier, smoking hot star of the HBO series ‘Entourage’. Thank you, Adrian. Now, do your duty and pass it on to someone more famous than you – your character, Vincent Chase. Because you, Sir, are only a TV star, but he is a movie star. He is Aquaman!
• Speaking of heroes, friend of the show director Judd Apatow did a great job of passing his bracelet on to superstar manchild baby Seth Rogen but failed to pass it on to the Rolling Stones. Judd – what the …. Jimmy, zoom in on Charlie Watt’s foot. Is that a WristSTRONG anklet? I am going to say yes.
• Finally, we arrive at the top tier of the fame pyramid – Presidents of the United States. But really, what are the chances that a President of the United States would ever…. Hello! look at that! [Photo of Bill Clinton taking a WristSTRONG bracelet] Now, we do not have confirmation that he has actually worn the bracelet, but I think that I can add my name to the storied list of those who can proudly say, “President Clinton touched it.”
• • Stephen: What do you think are the major themes that work in campaign ads?
  • David: The most effective campaign ads probably work on emotions…
  • Stephen: I love it.
  • David: … probably the most effective emotion to work on is fear.
  • Stephen: That’s what I use.
  • David: I’ve been told to be afraid of you.
  • Stephen: You’ve been told to be afraid of me? Someone had to tell you that?
• At what point did candidates stop using “henpecked” as one of their selling points?
• So, that’s the Obama Girl of 1952.
• • David [In response to the audience laughing at "Daisy"] I don’t think this ad seemed so funny when it aired in 1964.
  • Stephen: Can we hope to see ads that good this time around?
  • David: They try.

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Fangirl Suit Report: Gray suit. White shirt with mitered cuffs. Multi-color striped tie with blue, yellow, mauve, and red. Red WristSTRONG bracelet.

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Videos courtesy of Comedy Central MotherLoad

• Special Offer: The Toss
• Dartmouthing Off: Table of Contents
• King Tut: Stephen settles the controversy about King Tut. He wasn’t black or white – he was gold.
  
  
• MSNBC Debate: It’s nice to know that the Clintons unwind after work by talking about torture.
• The Word: Early Immunization
• Wrist Watch: An update of who’s who among the wrist aware.
• David Schwartz: David Schwartz, Chief Curator of the Museum of the Moving Image, joins the Report.
• Bear in the Woods: Stephen shares one more very important political ad with us.

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