Episode 3116 (09/18/2007)

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“I have had it up to here! Also down to there. But in between, I’m good. This is The Colbert Report!”

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Election Disorder: “Tonight, California considers changes to their electoral system. They’re going to limit it to six porn stars per election.”

• The Wørd: Let My People Go

Meet Your Difference Maker: “Then, I profile one of America’s unsung heroes. Sorry, sung heroes, you’ve already had your praise.”

• Stephen profiles difference maker Ed Werbany, New Jersey tire merchant and proud owner of Nitro Girl.

Dead Guest Talking: “And my guest, Susan Sarandon, is in a new movie that takes a harsh look at the Iraq war. I give it two thumbs up. *makes a cross with thumbs* BEGONE, DEVIL MOVIE!”

• Susan Sarandon’s new movies: ‘Mr. Woodcock‘ and ‘In the Valley of Elah‘

Guest Plug:

In closing: “Well, that’s it for the Report. If I’m not off the air by midnight, I turn into a pumpkin. And that role is already played by Tim Russert. Goodnight everybody!”

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NOTABLE MOMENTS

• *Crazy crowd tonight!*
• Nation, we are smack dab in the middle of the Days of Repentance.
• And for your repentance convenience, I am once again providing a public service to Jews: the Atone Phone!
• Now we had thousands of calls from apologetic Jews this weekend. I feel like the nation’s bubbe.
• Now remember, if you are Jewish, and have wronged me in the last year, you still have time to call and repent at 1-888-667-7539, that’s 1-888-OOPS-JEW.
• If you do not apologize, you will not be written into the Book of Life. Hey, I don’t make the ancient Jewish laws, I just enforce them.
• And remember, folks, you may have offended me without even knowing me. For instance – perhaps you are an Emmy voter. *Emmys clip of Brad Garrett saying “The Emmy goes to, aww, Mr. Tony Bennett!”*
• How could you, Emmy voters?! So if you are a Jewish Emmy voter, and did not vote for me, call now. You know what, scratch that – Emmy voters, I don’t care if you’re Jewish or not, just call and apologize. I cannot promise you’ll be written into the Book of Life, but at least I’ll have your names, and we will be able to find out where you live.
• I mean, Tony Bennett, seriously?! Tony Bennett. You picked Tony Bennett. Let’s just take a second and compare our careers.
• I, on the other hand, have been on the air almost two years! And yet I do not have an Emmy! *gets emotional* How can I go on without an Emmy?



• *Barry Manilow in a bubble!*
• Barry: Never give up – never give up hope, Stephen!
• Stephen: But Barry… Manilow, I just can’t finish the show without an Emmy!
• Barry: Stephen, you don’t need an Emmy out there, Stephen, you need an Emmy in here.
• Stephen: There’s an Emmy in your chest? Can I cut it out?! *pulls out wicked-looking kitchen knife*
• Barry: No, no no no, I mean there’s an Emmy inside each of us. Bringing joy to people’s lives is its own reward, Stephen!
• Stephen: Uh, you lost me there for a second.
• Barry: Oh, just stop feeling sorry for yourself, you big baby! When I had hip surgery last year, I didn’t whine – I got right back up onstage and I rocked hard.
• Stephen: Um… really?
• Barry: Well, soft hard.
• Stephen: You know what, you’re right, Barry Manilow. Well, thanks for coming to visit me from beyond the grave. I’m very sorry to learn of your passing.
• Barry: I-I’m not dead.
• Stephen: Oh, I just thought because of the whole bubble… thing.
• Barry: No, actually I have a new album out. It’s the ‘Greatest Songs of the Seventies’ featuring favorites like ‘The Way We Were’, You’ve Got a Friend’, and ‘He Ain’t Heavy, He’s My Brother’, I could go on.
• Stephen: Oh, that sounds like a great album. Well… I should get on with the Report.
• Barry: That’s the spirit!
• Stephen: Well, I’m sure you’re busy, I don’t want to keep you.
• Barry: That’s okay, I got bumped from ‘The View’, I got nothing to do… Can I just stay and watch?
• Barry? The sandwich? Do you mind?
• *Jon calling Barry! HAHAHA*
• Jon: Hey – does your Emmy want to come over and visit my Emmy?
• Barry: Be right over!
• Stephen: MANILOOOWWWW! *brandishes wicked-looking kitchen knife*

• Nation, at the California Republican State Convention last Friday, Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger was forced to whip out one of his trademark cinematic gems, saying that the Republican party is, quote, “dying at the box office.” And I take very seriously warnings about dying at the box office from the man who made ‘Jingle All the Way’.
• Luckily, there’s a way to fight back, and it’s tonight’s Wørd. Let My People Go. The California Republican party is oppressed and discriminated against. Just look at the polls. Every presidential election year, the state’s 55 electoral college votes go to the Democratic candidate just because more people voted for him. [Or, In ’08, Her]
• Meanwhile, the wealthy white Republicans of places like Orange County are treated like a minority simply because they’re not a majority. They must be under attack. Why else would so many of them live in gated communities? [Not Zoned For Moat?]
• Now, they might as well have separate drinking fountains. [White And Lily White] This system, folks, this system of winner takes all the electoral votes is disenfranchising the California Republicans. [Though Many Own Franchises] I believe that ‘The Man’ is keeping the California Republicans down. And, being from California, ‘The Man’ is probably a tranny. [November Surprise]
• Thankfully, thankfully folks, help is on the way – in the form of Thomas Hiltachk, a white male Harriet Tubman with ties to Republican Party and Swiftboat Veterans for Truth. Hiltachk and his law firm are working to change the way electoral votes are awarded in California. Instead of ‘winner take all,’ votes would be “divvied up by congressional district.” For instance, in the 2004 election, John Kerry won all 55 of California’s electoral college votes despite only winning – and boring to death – 54 percent of the popular vote there. [“Popular” Not Meant Literally]
• But, under this new system, George Bush would have gotten 22 of California’s electoral votes. That’s the equivalent of winning Ohio. [Beats Stealing It]
• Now, if this new plan goes through, it could alter the course of future presidential elections.[By Making Them Completely Pointless] But it’s not really about that. It’s about the little people who will finally get a voice. [*image of Karl Rove*]
• So, California, do the right thing. Stand up for your oppressed minorities. It is the right thing to do. [And The Only Way The Republicans Can Win]

• The most patriotic thing we could do was buy. The second most patriotic thing we could do was sell.
• We found one man who remembers that red, white, and blue is the best way to keep you in the black. Tonight, we proudly declare that man a Difference Maker.
• A visionary has emerged. “Hi, my name is Ed Werbany, and I’m the proud owner of Werbany Tire Town here on the Black Horse Pike in Hilltop, New Jersey. This is Nitro Girl.”
• Nitro Girl embodies the classic trifecta of patriotism: height, sexiness, and of course, Nitrogen!
• And what’s the least patriotic element? “Lead.”
• Even Ed’s tires are patriotic. “I think tires are patriotic because everybody has ‘em and we need ‘em to get where we need to get in America.”
• “If you don’t have a patriotic statue in front of your place of business, the terrorists win.”
• “Because of Nitro Girl’s patriotic spirit, sales have gone up, definitely.”
• “I’m gettin’ hard.” So is America, Ed. So… is America.
• Nitro Girl is the most patriotic giant American woman since the Statue of Liberty. And Nitro Girl does it all without inviting immigrants to invade our country.

• My guest tonight is an actress and liberal activist. Or as I like to call her, a liberal actris-vist. Please welcome Susan Sarandon!
• Stephen: What a surprise to find you here.
• Susan: Imagine my surprise.
• Stephen: You didn’t know where the limo was taking you, did you.
• Now, you have a new movie coming out, which is about how soldiers deal with trauma, after returning home from the Iraq War. It’s called ‘Mr. Woodcock’, and it stars Billy Bob Thornton as a sadistic gym coach. What do you hope people take from this movie? Bold to make it a comedy, by the way.
• *Susan Sarandon keeps laughing!*
• Susan: You’re not going to jump all over me, are you?
• Stephen: No, not at all! No, I – the floor is yours!
• What’s the difference between a politicized war and an actual war?
• Susan: Well, see, most people don’t even think about that. And, uh, all the guys who got us into this war never went to a war They avoided a war, so they don’t really have any idea what war means.
• Stephen: They didn’t avoid this war, they actively went after this war, so I think your characterization’s unfair.
• Isn’t the answer maybe, to not bring them home? I mean, the president has done his part in that regard.
• I’m just going to go out on a limb and say that you’re not a huge fan of President Bush and his policies in the war. Am I in the ballpark?
• You shouted some questions leading up to the war.
• Susan: I did.
• Stephen: Mmhmm. Would you like to apologize for those questions? Are you Jewish, by any chance? Because I have a phone that you can call. And, you know, the government is listening in, so they’ll be able to hear your apology as well.
• Let me ask you something. You know Sean Penn.
• Susan: Not in a biblical sense. *HA!*
• Stephen: You won an Oscar for ‘Dead Man Walking’ with Sean Penn.
• Susan: I was in a ‘mou-ma’ with Sean.
• Stephen: Yeah. You were in a what?
• Susan: It’s just a little nickname we have for ‘movie.’
• What do I have to do to win an Emmy? Do I have to lethally inject Sean Penn to win an award? ‘Cause that worked for you.
• I could play a nun! I could do nun!
• Susan: I would say, if you were a nun who was also maybe autistic.
• *Stephen tries not to laugh*
• Susan: And… you aged, in the film. Well could you uglify yourself a little, maybe a bad hair thing?
• There’s not enough latex in the world to make this not pretty.
• You’re acting your own political convictions. Wouldn’t it be better acting, more impressive, if you acted like you liked the war and liked the president?
• Scripted Stephen: Susan, the president is terrible for our country!
• Scripted Susan: No, Stephen, the president is the leader we chose… well, no, we didn’t?
• Stephen: No! Don’t change the script!
• Susan: Oh! I’m sorry.
• Stephen: You’re fired! You’re off the movie!

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Fangirl Suit Report: Shiny navy suit suit, white shirt blue pinstripes and French cuffs, navy tie with white dotted pattern, WristStrong bracelet

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Videos from Comedy Central’s Motherload
Barry Manilow appears to Stephen and helps him deal with his loss at the Emmys.

• Election Disorder: California changes its electoral system – they’re going to limit it to six porn stars per election.
• The Wørd: Let My People Go: California Republicans, do the right thing and stand up for your oppressed minority.
• Nitro Girl’s Difference Maker: If you don’t have a patriotic statue in front of your business, the terrorists have won.
• Interview: Susan Sarandon suggests that Stephen play an autistic nun so he can win an Emmy.