Episode 3106 (8/15/2007)


“If anyone asks you were I was between 11:30 and 12:00, I was right here. This is The Colbert Report!”

Blog Crabbin': “Tonight, do Liberal blogs allow hate speech? Some of those emoticons can be pretty harsh.”

  • Stephen has a 75% chance of being Jewish
  • Daily Kos

Special Guest: Markos Moulitsas – Founder, DailyKos

NOTE: To see where Stephen Colbert blogged at Daily Kos under the name “notstephencolbert”, check out this post:

HAHAHAHA!! Check out DailyKos.com for a comment by “notstephencolbert”

Guest plug:

Faster, Gonzalez, Kill! Kill!: “Then Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez gets the power to fast-track executions. Journalists, you’re working on a new deadline.

  • Monkey on the Lam
  • The Wørd:Potential

Tear Down This Wallis: “Plus, my guest Michael Wallis thinks that the real America lies off the Interstates. It’s a great book to read while you’re stuck in traffic on the Interstate.”

  • Michael Wallis – Author, “The Lincoln Highway: Coast to Coast from Times Square to the Golden Gate”

Guest Plug:

In closing: [wearing an e-colllar] Well, folks, that’s all the time we have tonight. Oh, this thing? It’s nothing, really, my doctor ordered me to wear this because I have a tendency to chew at my wrist cast. It’s ridiculous. Totally unnecessary. [unsuccessfully tries to chew on cast] But on the plus side, it does make it easier to take my pain pills.


INTERNET COL-BOMB SITE OF THE DAY:
Daily Kos – Home of the Neo-Netzi’s.


NOTABLE MOMENTS

  • In case you missed it, my guest last night, Dr. Spencer Wells, the head of the National Geographic Society’s genographic project, told me that there is a 3/4 chance that I am Jewish. Now personally, I think he’s Meshuggener. But feh, what can you do? As my bubbe used to say, [in Yiddish, translated in subtitles]”If my grandmother had testicles, she’d be my grandfather.”
  • Being maybe but not definitely Jewish has a lot to offer. For instance, I can now tell 3/4 of a Jewish joke. This one’s really great, a little off-color. Ok, I think I can get away with it. What did the Jewish grandmother say when her Podiatrist told her she had flat feet? It works even bettter when you hear the whole joke.
  • Anyway, after getting the news last night, I didn’t want to take any chances, so this morning I had 3/4 of a circumcision. Which, let me tell you, is 75% more painful than you can possibly imagine. Thank God I’m not feeling a thing. [takes pain pills] L’chaim!
  • You cannot swing a cat these days without hitting a hate group. In fact, lots of cats are *in* hate groups. [Editor’s Note: Did anyone else notice they were burning a huge Milk Bone dog biscuit?]
  • There’s your Nazis, there’s your Neo-Nazi’s, and your Neo-natal nazis [picture of baby with Hitler moustache]. Their baby food of choice? Goebbels. [On Label: Master Race Potato]
  • There is one difference, Nazis build bunkers, Daily Kos bloggers build pillow forts.
  • Nation, I recently went undercover as a Daily Kos blogger, registering under the discreet name of “notstephencolbert”. To complete my blogger disguise, I also didn’t exercise, played 3 hours of Halo and ate Onion Dip with a spoon.
  • Now I’m going to log onto my account right now and expose just how hateful this website truly is. [begins typing] Hungarians are dirty goulies who wash in peanut oil. Heil health care! And post! Now let’s see what’s on Daily Kos today … Oh my God! Hungarians are dirty goulies … I can’t read this on the air! This is unforgivable!
  • Stephen: Let’s get this straight to this – what do you have against the Hungarian people?
  • From interview with Markos Moulitsas:
    • Markos: It’s called an open forum, it’s called democracy, and sometimes some idiots get on there and write things on Hungarians.
    • Stephen: [audience booing] No, no, I can take care of myself, I’m a big boy.
  • Can you show me how high a horse is?
  • Monkey on the Lam!
  • This is the craziest thing I have ever seen,” Nemecheck said. “I have heard of chimps and orangutans that can pick locks. I’ve also heard a guy who swears his raccoon can pick a lock, but I’ve never heard of a monkey who can pick a lock.” Oh, you’ve never heard of a monkey who can pick a lock? And I suppose you’ve never heard of a Great Dane who can count cards, either. Wake up, Nemecheck!
  • That’s right folks, the monkeys are building a cage for us. That’s why we have got to keep those lock-picking racoons on our side.
  • I will keep you up to date, as it unfolds, for America faces no greater danger … what? They caught him? *** damn it, can I not do one recurring monkey segment?
  • Speaking of hounded animals …. Alberto Gonzales.
  • Less time to appeal a death sentance is more humane. Alberto Gonzalez knows better than anyone what it’s like to spend months in limbo while the mob cries for your head. [Has Dug Escape Tunnel Through Constitution]
  • Let’s go the whole nine yards and make him an executioner as well. He can listen in on his warrantless wiretaps and if he hears anyone say a suspicious phrase [Like “Habeas Corpus”] he can then just flip a switch and send 10,000 volts right the phone line and fry them like a bug. [Can You Hear Me Now?]
  • He is already the most powerful law enforcer in the country, why not make him Robocop? A one-man justice system with super hearing, one arm as a steel gavel, and another that shoots lethal injections.
  • BACARDI MOJITO COMMERCIAL! Everyone get up and do the Mojito RIGHT NOW! [Editor’s Note: I’ve missed this commercial so much. It reminds me of last summer, when I first started the blog. And it’s the ringtone on my Life Partner du Jour’s phone. And I’ve still never had a Mojito.]
  • From the Michael Wallis interview:
    • Michael: But there is a Jefferson Davis highway also.
    • Stephen: Did it get it’s ass kicked by the Lincoln highway?
  • From the Michael Wallis interview:
    • Michael: But this, in fact would be the Father Road, you don’t know of, again, because the name Lincoln was taken off of the road.
    • Stephen: Well, the fathers are so absent in today’s society.
    • Michael: And mothers can be abusive.
    • Stephen: [pause] Suddenly I’m very sad.
    • Michael: And none of these road trips are meant to be overly romanticized, by the way.
    • Stephen: I wasn’t going to try. You yell at me for something I wasn’t going to do.
    • Michael: I saw a little gleam in your eye.
    • Stephen: Well, I was not feeling romantic.
  • From the Michael Wallis interview:
    • Stephen: Speaking of romance, was there ever a Mary Todd Lincoln highway? Like a super-crazy one that went in corkscrews, and ending in a brick wall?
    • Michael: Interesting you should say that.
    • Stephen: Well, I say interesting things.

Fangirl Suit Report: Black suit, White shirt with barrel cuffs, navy tie with white printed dot pattern in a diamond-pattern.

Videos coming soon!

Final note: This is a hat tip to my favorite sponsor of ‘The Colbert Report’, and I dedicate this to all of my old skool OSCLA sistas. Mojito on, my friends, Mojito on.

Comments

  1. *raises Mojito*

    One for me…and one for my homies…

  2. I love the Mojito song! Now I know I am truly amoung kindred spirits!
    (btw, great recap, DB).

  3. What a great episode! The closing left me laughing long after the show was over.

    I was surprised that they bleeped “God” during the broadcast. Not every network chooses to bleep that and for some reason, it irks me when it is bleeped. God isn’t a swear and even though it is being used “in vain” in that instance, I still don’t like it being treated as a swear word.

  4. @Cathy – I don’t think they’re treating the word “God” as a swear word – more like protecting the word from being profaned by the word “damn” that follows.

    Although, frankly, who else could be the subject to the imperative to damn?

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