Episode 3104 (08/13/2007)

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“DO WE HAVE TO DO THIS RIGHT NOW?! This is The Colbert Report!“

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Rove Over: “Tonight — Where is my camera? Which is my camera?!”

• Pill freak out!

The WØRD: White Guy

John Eat Words: “Which is my — Where are my pills?!”

• All Animal ThreatDown
• 5. Bats!
• 4. Monkeys!
• 3. Karl Rove!
• 2. Marmosets!
• 1. Bears! (Panda bears!)

Nutrition Impossible: “WHICH IS MY CAMERA AND WHERE ARE MY PILLS?!”

• Michael Jacobson

Guest Plug: Michael Jacobson, Center for Science in the Public Interest

In closing: Well, folks, before we go, I just want to remind everyone that “Stephen Colbert’s AmeriCone Dream” is on sale at a grocery store near you. It is a great way to cool off this summer, AND it’s delicious with salt. Mmm! Good night, everybody.

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NOTABLE MOMENTS

• Thank you. Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. Please — please, please, I beg of you. Sit down. Sit down, sit down, everbody. I’m sorry, I just, uh . . . I — I appreciate it, I, thank you, I need the energy, I’m a little bit, uh – heh heh! – I’m a little off tonight. I have been on prescription painkillers for my shattered wrist for about two and a half weeks now. Ah, nothing heavy duty, uh, over the counter pills. Ah, over the counter — in Malaysia . . .
• Anyway, last night I ran out. And the pharmacy was closed, and they wouldn’t open up no matter how many times I knocked on the window — with lawn furniture . . .
• [Tonguing out his pill bottle] Oh no! Oh no! Not even dust! Oh, that’s right, I “cashed” this bottle on Friday when I filled it with water and made pill juice. I could really go for some pill juice right now.
• What’s that? Back off! Don’t touch me! I WILL BURN YOU! I’m sorry. I’m having mild hallucinations. Bats.
• I must be having hallucinations because this morning I saw something completely unbelievable on the news. It really freaked me out. Jimmy? [Clip of Karl Rove, "Today I submitted my resignation as Deputy Chief of Staff and Senior Advisor, effective the end of the month . . ."]
• I HAVE to be imagining that, right?! Did anyone else see it?
• I don’t believe you! It can’t be real! Karl Rove cannot have resigned; he is “the architect!” There’s gonna be a permanent Republican majority; the Republicans WILL win the 2006 Midterm elections!
• You have your math, but he has the math! I see numbers! And “five” is very angry!
• Something’s calling me from the floor . . . What is that? It’s a pill!? I dropped a pill on last week — keep talking, Pill, I’ll — I’ll follow the sound! Come here – HAHAHA! TWO?! HAHA!
• Nation, during a Presidential campaign, it’s not only important to look at the candidates, it’s also important to look at their spouses. That’s why I keep a poster of Fred Thompson’s wife, Jeri Kehn over my bed. It’s for work, honey!
• I also like the cut of Elizabeth Edwards’ jib. Women have ‘jibs,’ right?
• Something Elizabeth Edwards said in a recent interview really caught my attention. When asked about her husband’s campaign finances, she said, “We can’t make John black, we can’t make him a woman . . . those things get you a certain amount of fundraising dollars.”
• Now, it’s common knowledge that I don’t see race, but what you might not know is that I also don’t see gender. I know someone’s a woman when I am overwhelmed by sexual attraction. That’s how I finally pinned down Keanu Reeves. Great actress, by the way. [Stephen Doesn't See Acting, Either].
• Now, despite my blind spots, I understand that the possibility of a black or female President is generating excitement among donors [White House May Get Groove Back].
• My problem with what Ms. Edwards said is simply, she’s talking like a victim. Even if Obama’s race and Hillary’s gender are helping to raise funds this year, there’s really only one question for the Edwards campaign: [If It Falls In A Forest, Will Anyone Hear It?] How should John Edwards respond?
• Simple. John Edwards should declare himself a black woman [Republicans Already Declared Themselves Reagan].
• Now, folks, is John Edwards really a black woman? It doesn’t matter. These days a unilateral declaration of reality will seem very Presidential. [If Accompained By a Signing Statement].
• Plus, I think — I think Edwards makes a lot of sense as a black woman. To begin with, sticking up for the poor? Pretty girly. [FDR + LBJ = BFF!]
• And, who spends — who spends $400 on their hair? Girls [And Stephen].
• Also, John Edwards is 5’11″. You know who else is 5’11″? Former NBA basketball player John Lucas of the Houston Rockets. And guess what else? He’s black.
• Plus, John Edwards is with a white woman. I hear that’s very popular with black guys.
• There have been endless debates about whether Barack Obama is truly black; well, I say, let’s start one on whether John Edwards is [Hint: No]. Think about it, Senator. There is no down side. Unless America isn’t ready for a black, female President. Of course, if that happens, you got a great fall-back. You’re a white guy. And they usually get elected.
• Nation, on the sixth day, God created the beasts of the Earth, and gave Man dominion over them all. But evidently, some of those beasts weren’t listening. Barricade the doors, it’s an all-animal ThreatDown!
• Last week, a bat triggered a fire alarm in a German tunnel, causing authorities to close it, creating a major traffic jam. Now, bat apologists will tell you that the animal can’t be blamed because of its poor eyesight, but coddling the blind is exactly how we ended up with dangerously pointy Braille on our elevator buttons.
• No, this is delinquency, plain and simple!
• [Editor's note: Stephen speaks in sonar?!]
• And, yes, I can catch a moth in the dark.
• Police in Madison, WI, are on the lookout for a diaper-wearing monkey who bit a woman on the hand.
• That’s what you get, Madison, for your brazen liberalism; God is punishing you with a plague of diapered monkeys!
• According to the police, the monkey is “still on the lam.” Residents are warned to be on the lookout for this skin-snacking simian.
• And, Nation, I will be following this story as it develops in my new feature, “Monkey on the lam!”
• Right now, I hereby promise you, that I will bring you the latest on this Richard Kimble of the animal kingdom. Every night until this story is . . . what’s that? They caught him? Aw, come on. I want “Monkey on the Lam!” I mean, look at this graphic!
• Somebody, please. Please, release a monkey.
• Karl Rove – now I know, I know he’s not an animal . . . but what the hell? He’s leaving for the sake of his family?! His family?! What about my family?! Do you know what they’ve gone through because I’ve been defending this guy for the past six years? Do you know what awful name they call my child on the playground? They call him ‘Karl Rove’!
• Last week, a marmoset was found hiding underneath a man’s hat on a flight from Florida to New York.
• This comes as no surprise, folks. It’s well documented that monkeys have an affinity for men in hats and for flying.
• WHERE was that monkey going? WHAT was that monkey running from? Because, obviously, he was a “Monkey on the Lam!”
• According to CNN, a ‘sexually suspect’ panda recently gave birth to twins. What’s so ‘sexually suspicious’ about this panda? Well, for eleven years, this panda, “Jinzhu,” was considered male.
• Apparently, the confusion arose because of Jinzhu’s “inconspicuous secondary sex characteristic.” Which is a polite Chinese way of saying, “Freaky little non-functioning bear weiner.”
• Apparently, even a normal panda penis is only one and a half inches long, which is why these mix-ups can happen. Also why the best way to insult a male grizzly is to say he is “hung like a panda.”
• My guest tonight is a nutrition expert who knows the calorie content of everything. What a delightful dinner guest he must be. Please welcome, Michael Jacobson!
• See, I’m only a D.F.A. ‘doctor’ and I work on my wrist. I read it sonnets.
• Now your group is the Center for Science in Public Interest, okay? You’re the people who say, ‘Don’t eat Big Macs! Popcorn is killing you!’ Stuff like that. What — what science is that, in science and public interest? The science of ‘bummerology’? You know? ‘Buzz shackling’?
• Constipation?! Do we really need to ring the alarm bell for that? You took a dip there! . . . Cancer to constipation; I gotta say, you went down on the alarm chart.
• Stephen: But — but those, those calories just list like, a recommended, uh, serving size, right?
• Jacobson: That’s right.
• Stephen: Yeah, but nobody — nobody ever eats the recommended serving size. I mean, everybody eats, like, you know a bag of Doritos that says, like, eight servings . . . I’m gonna go through the whole thing! I’m gonna go spelunking in that bag, for the dust at the bottom . . .
• Jacobson: I was looking at some of your AmeriCone Dream ice cream, in fact.
• Stephen: Oh! Don’t trash talk AmeriCone Dream! Don’t you dare, sir! Cut off his mic, Jimmy! Cut off his mic!
• Jacobson: . . . I was gonna say, you can get your whole daily dose of saturated fat from one cup of ice cream; you don’t have to eat any other saturated fat –
• Stephen: So, you actually *saving* money . . . eating my ice cream . . .
• Jacobson: That’s right! That’s right! . . . Those good nutrition labels –
• Stephen: It’s an anti-depressant.
• Jacobson: — give people the information . . . so they can choose your ice cream, or they can choose Cherry Garcia, that has maybe one-third as much saturated fat.
• Stephen: [through comically gritted teeth, pounding his clenched fist and cast on the table] Mmm-hmm. Yeah, uh-huh . . . Legally, can I hit my guests? Legally, am I allowed?
• Stephen: So, trans-fat [is out] . . . Thanks to you. You’ve killed an industry . . . What else are you gonna stop people from enjoying? Salt?
• Jacobson: Salt is a, is a good one –
• Stephen: Do you know what Jesus said? Jesus said, “You are the salt of the Earth.” Are you . . . are you calling Jesus a liar?
• Jacobson: Depends who he said that to . . .
• Stephen: I think he said it to the apostles. Who, I think, almost all died of congestive heart failure.
• Thank you for this distressing news. I will take none of it to heart.

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Fangirl Suit Report: Navy suit with white pinstrpies, navy tie with diamond and dot pattern. White dress shirt with single button barrel cuffs.

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ThreatDown – All Animal: Stephen gives chaos-causing bats a firm warning in words they can understand.

More Video Highlights, courtesy of Comedy Central’s Motherload

• Rove Over: Where are Stephen’s pills?
• Rove Resigns: Stephen’s not sure if he is just hallucinating or if Karl Rove really resigned. [Editor's note: This direct link is not working for some reason, but you should be able to open the clip of your choice once MotherLoad opens up. Sorry for the inconvenience.]
• White Guy: Stephen doesn’t see race — or gender. For all he knows, John Edwards could be a black woman. [Editor's note: This direct link is not working for some reason, but you should be able to open the clip of your choice once MotherLoad opens up. Sorry for the inconvenience.]
• Michael Jacobson: Stephen cuts Michael Jacobson’s mic when he starts to trash talk AmeriCone Dream.
• Good With Salt: Stephen reminds us that AmeriCone Dream is a perfect way to cool off this summer.