Episode 3102 (08/08/2007)


“This show is gonna knock your socks off and I am not responsible for their replacement value. This is The Colbert Report!”


Wrist Watch – WristStrong: Stephen introduces a new campaign for wrist awareness in the form of the WristStrong silicone bracelet. Not only does it remind you that you have a wrist, it reminds you that it’s called a wrist.

  • Today’s audience members received a WristStrong bracelet!
  • Just like friend of the show Lance Armstrong, Stephen has a cause that requires a silicone bracelet to raise awareness.

The F&U 500: “What’s causing Wall Street’s roller coaster ride? And how tall do you have to be to panic?”

  • Stephen discusses the recent stock-market woes with economist Jim Cramer.
  • Stephen Colbert’s Bears & Balls!

Chinese Check-In: “The Chinese economy is on the rise. And you can tell because their toothpaste contains a finer grade of antifreeze.”

  • China may be the source of food-, toy-, and toothpaste-borne poisons, but it will also have the 2008 Olympics. And that’s an opportunity to market protective sports gear like Nike breathing masks and Reebok sterile environments.

Tina Fray: “My guest Tina Brown has written a book on Diana. Finally something for people who want Diana-related merchandise.”

  • Stephen and Tina Brown have a heart-to-heart about Diana, Princess of Wales – in very soft focus.

Guest Plug:

In closing: *Gulping more painkillers* “Well, that’s it for the show everybody, goodnight!”


NOTABLE MOMENTS

  • I don’t know if you’ve heard, but there was a little bit of rain in New York City today. And I’m a little bit mad at God, because by unleashing the rain he has taught the terrorists how to bring the city to its knees – which is to get it wet, evidently. Turn on a sprinkler and we’re crippled.
  • Nation, I hadn’t wanted to make a big deal out of this, but recently I suffered a life-changing injury. I broke my left wrist. That’s right – my one-armed push-up wrist. How do I work out now?
  • The only thing worse than the pain has been the agony.
  • It’s hard to read – the pills are making my vision blur a little bit. It says take once a – I’m gonna say take once a minute.
  • *takes pills, chokes* Oh – that went down the wrong pipe! That scratched all the way down! God, my throat is in so much pain. *takes another pill, swallows water* Oh yeah. Oh yeah, now she’s flyin’ right. Where was I?!
  • I am fighting back against wrist injuries with my new campaign, WristWatch!
  • *Montage of Hollywood wrist injuries, cutting back to Stephen pouring pills down his throat and looking around guiltily*
  • Shame on you, Hollywood! America is not going to take it anymore. And I am fighting back with the most powerful tool known to man – the silicone bracelet!
  • Friend of the show Lance Armstrong started the trend with a yellow one he uses to raise awareness, uh, I believe he had cancer of the bicycle. He beat it, too.
  • And now, this awareness-raising device has spread to so many other important subjects, including ‘Team Canada Hockey,’ ‘Reading is Power,’ and of course, ‘I Heart Hanson.’
  • Here’s how it works, okay. It’s very simple. Just to put it on requires a wrist. That’s one level of awareness.
  • And every time you look down, because it kind of pulls at the hairs here a little bit, it will remind you that you have a wrist. And if you ever forget what the area connecting the hand to the arm is
    called, you can just look down ’cause it says WRIST right there.
  • And you’ll know to treasure your wrist and keep it strong, and you’ll know that because you read it on a bracelet.
  • Those are some lucky audience members to get a bracelet!
  • Hold your wrists high, heroes! Look at those proud wrists! Just imagine how those bracelets will shine when they’re doing something useful, like holding torches at a rally.
  • Now Nation, this week we’ve been on one heck of a stock-market roller-coaster ride. The troubles started with the sub-prime mortgage market. I don’t quite understand the details, but apparently a bunch of billionaires thought it would be a good idea to give millions of poor people mortgages they couldn’t afford, and somehow that turned sour.
  • Now, multi-billion dollar hedge funds are reeling – Bear Stearns alone has lost one and a half billion dollars.
  • And then there’s the personal cost, folks. The emotional toll on people like friend of the show, Jim Cramer of CNBC. I was watching him last Friday and I have to say, he seemed a little on edge. And if you pay close attention, I think you can pick up some of the clues.
  • *Clip of Jim Cramer freaking out on CNBC* – “They know NOTHING!… We have Armageddon. In the fixed-income markets, we have Armageddon.”
  • Now I like that part he said there about this Wall Street meltdown being a sign of Armageddon. For years, I’ve been saying that Jesus is coming back on a cloud of money.
    • Stephen: To find out what Jim Cramer is so upset about, joining me now, Jim Cramer. *Cramer walks out onto set* Jim, I’ll get right to it. What are you so upset about?
    • Cramer: Seven million people losing their homes is a big deal.
    • Stephen: Well, yeah, maybe so, but what got me worried here is in your little clip that we played, you mentioned the seven million people losing their homes, but what about the guys who are going to
      lose their jobs at places like Bear Stearns? What about those guys? They’re going to lose their jobs! They have to get richer so that the poor people can even stay where they are!
    • Cramer: I don’t necessarily want to agree with that.
    • Stephen: You don’t want to, but deep down, you think you should. *laughter* A rising tide raises all boats! WHY AM I THE ONE SHOUTING?!
  • *Over Cramer’s protests* Trickle-down. Trickle-down. Trickle! Down!
  • The problem’s over. Bernanke solved it by doing nothing.
  • Before we go, you want to give this a little slap? *brings out the Button – ha!* We were inspired by you to have the Button here. One slap before we go. *Cramer slaps the button* Button: “THEY KNOW NOTHING!” Jim Cramer, thank you so much!
  • Welcome back, you know folks, just having Jim Cramer in the building got this thing humming. So I think it’s time for another edition of Stephen Colbert’s Bears and Balls.
  • *slap* “THEY KNOW NOTHING!”
  • The market’s been on a bit of a rough ride lately; you might want to move your cracked nest egg out of the U.S. market and put it somewhere safer. Where? *slap* “Where the sun don’t shine!” Exactly! On the other side of the world, China!
  • China is rapidly becoming an all-you-can-eat buffet of investment dumplings.
  • There is growth-market potential in *slap* “Food-borne poisons. *slap* “Toothpaste-borne poisons.” *slap* “Toy-borne poisons.” *slap* “The Olympics!” Yes!
  • Did you know that the Chinese symbol for inorganic noncombustible particulate matter is also the symbol for great marketing opportunity?
  • We all know kids love to wear the same equipment as their favorite athletes, so after next year’s Olympics, there is a fortune waiting for the person who invests in Nike swoosh breathing masks,
    Asics oxygen tanks, and Reebok sterile environments.
  • And if the Olympics aren’t your speed, there’s always *slap* “Selling your organs.” No. *slap* “Selling other people’s organs.” You’re getting a little fast there, Button! Close! *slap* “Bootlegging!”
  • Ha, almost a character break! The sound folks love to try to screw him up!
  • ‘Harry Potter and Leopard-Walk-Up-to-Dragon,’ ‘Harry Potter and Beaker and Burn,’ and ‘Harry Potter and the Filler of Big.’ Spoiler alert: the Filler of Big is Dumbledore, which results in Best Luck Happy Joy Party. *nods* I cried.
  • Now, if you’d rather keep your money in the U.S., just invest in our greatest resource – *slap* “Balls!”
  • Last night, Barry Bonds hit home run number 756 to clinch the home run record. That ball he hit is a piece of history and is bound to be worth *slap* “NOTHING!” *slap* “Mmmegabucks!” Yes!
  • And for Bonds himself, it’s a personal milestone that will only be surpassed the day he reaches the third stage of his metamorphosis. I tell you folks, that discarded chrysalis will be worth millions.
  • My guest tonight has written a book about Princess Diana. Hopefully it comes on a commemorative plate.
    • Stephen: I can’t help but notice that you have an injured wrist.
    • Brown: I do, Stephen, and some people might think I’m just trying to curry favor with this –
    • Stephen: Which would be okay with me.
    • Brown: – but it’s true, I have a broken wrist. I feel your pain.
  • On wearing a Stephen Colbert WristStrong bracelet: “I’ll give it to the Queen. She can attach it to her handbag.”
  • Tina Brown, who was Diana Spencer, Princess of Wales? *cue the soft focus*
  • Brown (after more prompting): “Underneath that, she was just this great sexy blonde who everybody was crazy about.”
  • I looked at her and I said to myself, I know, she’s just like me, she puts her tiara on one diamond at a time, just like the rest of us.
  • She was all things to all people.
  • Stephen’s act here is part faux British, part Jiminy Glick, and part Barbara Walters.
  • In 1985 you wrote a piece in Vanity Fair that first exposed Charles and Diana’s troubled marriage. It is fair to say that you helped shape the future of the British Monarchy. Tina Brown… are you Merlin?
    • Stephen: Has anyone ever told you you look like her? Has anyone ever told you – admit it! Has someone ever said that?
    • Brown: It’s certainly true that as much as you look like Prince Charles, people have said that to me.
    • Stephen: But you know, to Americans, all British people look alike. You also look a little bit like David Beckham. But that’s a compliment, because he is so attractive.
  • Where’s Camilla’s book?
    • Stephen: May I quote you to you? You said, ‘today everyone is famous and no one is interesting.’
    • Brown: Except you and me. She is smitten!
  • The book is the Diana Chronicles. I’m not sure if you can read it in such soft focus.

Fangirl Suit Report: Grey pinstripe suit, pale blue shirt with French cuffs, red tie with silver diamond pattern. White cast, signed and decorated. WristStrong bracelet on left arm.




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