Episode 3100 (08/02/2007)

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“Selected members of our studio audience tonight will be receiving chairs. This is The Colbert Report!“

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Road To Ruin: Tonight, Is the US building a NAFTA Super Highway from Mexico to Canada? And who’s going to clean up the maple salsa tanker spills?

• The NAFTA Superhighway Conspiracy.

Special Guest: John R. MacArthur – publisher, Harper’s Magazine and author, The Selling of “Free Trade”

Bad Time For Bonds-O: And the wait continues for Barry Bonds to break the homerun record, carrying on baseball’s proud tradition of waiting for something to happen.

• Government care packages for our troops
• Mini Sport Report: homerun milestones on hold.

BeHe-Man Darwin Hater’s Club: Plus, my guest Michael Behe is called “The Father of Intelligent Design”. My monkey viewers may want to switch the channel.

• Michael Behe – author, The Edge of Evolution

Guest Plugs: The Selling of “Free Trade” by John R. MacArthur and The Edge of Evolution by Michael Behe.

In closing: A good-bye and hommage to Ingmar Bergman.

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NOTABLE MOMENTS

• *Is Stephen trying to break his other wrist? Someone please tell him not to stand on his chair!!*
• Tell maintenance the chair is find now.
• I’m not a conspiracy theorist. I don’t pace around wondering who really assassinated John F. Kennedy. It was a single bullet, shot by Lee Harvey Oswald, who was a robot manufactured in Cuba and assembled in Dallas by members of the Texas mafia. End of story.
• There is one story that I know is true because I got it from the internets.
• There is the purported route. Even scarier, if you cross your eyes when you look at it, there are two of them.
• *OK, Stephen, your eyes will get stuck like that if you don’t stop it!*
• Mitt Romney was asked about it in New Hampshire and he answered mit aplomp.
• He has to stop it. He needs his workers to build his double Guantanamo.
• Still no word on whether Romney agrees with putting the baby in the oven and the turkey in the bassinet. That happened. It’s a true story
• Of course, there are other fringe groups like the Federal Highway Administration who say the rumors are untrue.
• If the New York Times reports that it’s false, therefore it must be true!
• The only way to get truth out of that paper is to read it upside-down in front of a mirror while listening to The White Album backwards.
• You know who’s going to build that highway? Whoever killed Paul. The Walrus.
• Brace yourselves, folks. There are already highways linking Mexico to Canada – and they go straight through the United States! Even more disturbing, this morning I looked out my kitchen window and and guess what I saw – roads! They are everywhere. One of them was even coming up to my driveway.
• Lean in close to your TVs. Lean in, because I can’t talk too loud. You never know who’s listening. You know this cast could be bugged. I don’t want to take any chances.
• Let The Man choke on some Billy Joel for a while. Do you like that? You like how that sounds?
• Ok, Nation. They don’t want you to know about this superhighway. Who are they? You might know them by a different name – Them.
• This thing goes back hundreds of years. In fact, this goes back all the way to Leonardo Da Vinci.
• If you look closely at this painting, and turn it vertically, and then stretch 500 miles long, it looks just like a road splitting the United States.
• You may remove your blindfold. Sorry about that, we just can’t reveal the location of the studio. Not right now.
• I-69? How obvious can they get?
• Because it’s an attempt to make the United States, Mexico and Canada one country and to force us to eat moose tacos!
• Maybe the superhighway isn’t that bad then because all it does is destroy unions and give me tube socks for a buck 99. Will this ensure I get a dozen tube socks for a buck-99?
• *Stephen quickly jumps to put headphones back on his cast when they slip off.*
• We allow the superhighway to be built – and I can’t believe I’m saying that right now – and then once the unions are destroyed we just flip it on it’s side, skooch it down south, and use it as a border fence.
• *Stephen singing Billy Joel’s “Stiletto” with headphones on as they come back from the commercial break*
• I’m all for sending our troops care packages – anything to boost moral. That’s why I plan on sending them thousands of copies of my new book I Am America (And So Can You!) for free, charging them only shipping and handling plus the cover price.
• Recently the Defense Department sent our soldiers in Falujah an aid package containing thigh masters. Folks, this sends a terrible message to our troops by undermining their confidence and, more importantly, their body image.
• It is like giving your girlfriend a bathroom scale for her birthday. Take it from me – huge mistake.
• Our soldiers have enough on their minds without worrying about insurgents making catty remarks about their thunder thighs.
• Defense Department – this is your most thoughtless gift since you sent the 101st Airborne breast implants. Who was that gift really for?
• Take off your shirt and drink beer in a parking lot. It’s time for a mini sport report!
• I already did a Sport Report this week, but I am such a huge fan of “spore” and I was pleased to discover that they play baseball games almost every day. There must be dozens.
• Like Yankees 3rd baseman Alex Rodriguez – also known as “ah rod” – because of his resemblance to Rod Stewart. Honestly, I don’t see it.
• I played Little League, so let me give you some advice, Sir. You’re going to want to choke up on the bat. Also, stop inviting your mom to the games. It’s distracting to have her out there in the front row blowing kisses and waving around your asthma inhaler.
• Speaking of pharmaceuticals, the Barry Bonds Excitement Juggernaut has also ground to a halt.
• Yesterday he went 0 for 3 and in frustration crushed his bat to dust his bare hands and then took off through San Francisco pursued by helicopters screaming “Barry Smash!”
• Incidentally, that brings him up to 83 career helicopter pursuits. No one is going to touch that.
• *Stephen singing “Uptown Girl” in falsetto with headphones on*
• My guest tonight is know as “The Father of Intelligent Design.” I hope he’s ready for 5 minutes of me nodding my head approvingly.
• Do you wear the beards just to taunt the Darwinists?
• Let’s not fight – I’m here to agree.
• I’m all for limiting Darwinism. I’m on board with you. Should all science begin with looking for how to limit a theory?
• So, you are saying that you are Darwin’s Einstein.
• Yes, because if you take apart a mouse trap all you’re left with is a piece of wood, some metal, and a spring and there’s no other possible use for that.
• We used to see mystery everywhere and explain it with God. But now, everything science explains, God gets smaller and I think it’s time for God to fight back.
• • Behe: You were wrong. The more and more…
  • Stephen: I was what?
  • [Behe tries to recover]
  • Stephen: Thank you for stopping by.
• Bergman’s films were gut wrenching treatises on suffering and longing. I can relate because I recently suffered this wrist injury and I long to take this cast off.
• The exact cause of his death has not been released yet but rumor has it that he tried to use the Marshall Defense against the Queen’s Gambit Declined which, if you’ll forgive me for saying, is stupid.
• There will never be another like him and so, we say good-bye.
• *Dialog of the B/W “film”*
  • But how? How do you bid farewell to a friend?
  • Or is it the friend that bids farewell to you?
  • All friendships must wither and die like unpicked summer fruit.
  • Meg: “You have never loved.”
  • Meg!?!
  • What do we do with Death’s gift of regret?
  • Meg: “Why did you laugh at my letter?”
  • Meg!?!
  • Time is a thief.
  • Bobby: “Yea, speaking of which, we gotta wrap this up.”
  • Thanks, Bobby.
• Well, that’s it for The Report, folks. Cannes Film Festival. I await my Palm d’Or.
• *Final shot of Stephen dancing through the last scene of The Seventh Seal.

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Fangirl Suit Report: Gray pinstriped suit. Ivory shirt with French cuffs. Cornflower blue silk tie with geometric embossed pattern.

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Videos Courtesy of Comedy Central Motherload

• Road to Ruin: Table of Contents.
• NAFTA Secret Highway: This is all part of a conspiracy to create a North America Union linking The United States, Canada, and Mexico.
  This video expires: 09/02/2007
• John R. MacArthur: John R. MacArthur explains that the superhighway will give Stephen cheaper tube socks.
• Thigh Masters For the Troops: Our soldiers shouldn’t have to worry about insurgents making catty remarks about their thunder thighs.
• Mini Sport Report: Stephen gives some helpful advice to A-Rod.
  This video expires: 09/02/2007
• Michael J. Behe: Stephen supports Michael J. Behe’s limitations on Darwinism.
• Farewell to Ingmar Bergman: Stephen bids good-bye to legendary Swedish filmmaker Ingmar Bergman.
  
  

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