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You are here: Home / The Colbert Report / Episode 3098 (07/31/2007)

Episode 3098 (07/31/2007)

August 2, 2007 By
“Mi casa es su casa. ‘Casa’ means ‘anger’, right? This is The Colbert Report!”

Wrist Violence: For God’s sake, Hollywood! Wrist injuries are not entertainment!

To Russia With Love: “Russia lays claim to the North Pole, and several dissenting sea lions have been mysteriously poisoned.”

A.G., Your Hair Smells Perjurious

  • The WØRD: Special Prosecutor – Democrats accuse Alberto Gonzales of perjury. Maybe he’ll be sentenced to a round of golf with Scooter Libby?

Sport Report: Adjust your cup and give your buddy a heterosexual swat on the butt.
Beat Townsend: “My guest Kathleen Kennedy Townsend is here to talk about what happens when you mix politics and religion. I’m no scholar, but I’ll guess… poligion?”

  • Kathleen Kennedy Townsend, Failing America’s Faithful – How Today’s Churches Are Mixing God With Politics And Losing Their Way

NOTABLE MOMENTS

  • I broke my wrist in service to this program, and therefore, America. I didn’t want to make a big deal about the mind-boggling pain that I’m in – by the way, excuse me, that reminds me, gotta take… – *takes out meds and pops them into his mouth with a bottle of Poland Spring* – man alive, they are making Vicodin taste like Smarties now. Hope they send me some free Vicodin for mentioning the product.
  • An injury like mine could happen to anyone at anytime. And not just to the left wrist, no, because wrist injuries do no discriminate by wrist. It could happen to a right wrist, even an ankle, or as I call it, the “foot wrist.”
  • Wrist Violence Montage! – *still from yesterday’s clip of The Departed, followed by clips from Harry Potter and the Sorceror’s Stone, Casino, The Addams Family, The Empire Strikes Back, and The Fly*
  • *Stephen absent from desk, emerges from hiding under it* (sheepishly) Is it over? (yelling) For God’s sake, Hollywood! Wrist injuries are not entertainment! Put yourself in our shoes. Try to imagine what it would be like not to be able to bend your wrist for several weeks. Nation, write Congress and insist they stop Hollywood’s “wrist violence mania.” If you don’t do it for yourself, do it for your children. They’re exposed to it too. *clip from Muppets Take Manhattan* Stay strong, Kermie.
  • You can still make a fortune buying properties other people may have overlooked. Personally I like swampland, bridges, and ancient Indian burial grounds. *clip from Poltergeist* It’s got a pool. But right now, my financial advisor tells me there is no “hotter” place to buy than the Arctic Circle. The ice up there is melting thanks to, I believe, Al Gore? Yes. And it is revealing all sorts of resources including “fish”, “diamonds”, “oil and gas”, and most importantly “timesaving sea lanes… that could cut sailing time from Germany to Alaska by 60%,” offering a convenient escape route for Alaska Senator Ted Stevens. The problem is we’re not the only country looking for some “hot pole action.”
  • Arc! Who Goes There? or Smokin’ Pole: The Fight for Arctic Riches:
  • That is a steamy pole right there. Tonight: Russia, which late last month claimed the North Pole. According to President Vladimir Putin, there’s an undersea ridge connecting Russia to the North Pole, so the whole thing has always belonged to them. This is similar to the “I already licked it” Putin employs when he eats out with dinner guests. *image of Putin tonguing potato* As for the – yes, an actual photograph – as for the 10 billion gallons of natural oil and gas deposits in the area, that’s just icing on the borscht which I guess in this case would be the sour cream. It’s a disgusting soup, I don’t want to talk about it.
  • As we speak, scientists are “…trying to plunge to the seabed beneath the North Pole in miniature submarines to plant a titanium capsule containing the Russian flag…”
  • *Army of U.S. flag waving-hermit crabs!*
  • If they control the North Pole, then they control Christmas. *image of Santa Claus* And you can imagine what that would look like. *image of Santa Claus wearing Russian mink cap and carrying sack of vodka*
  • Alberto Gonzales being accused of perjury is a classic case of “he said/ everyone else said.”
  • Thank goodness Fox was fair and balanced. *clip of Chris Wallace from Fox News Sunday* “We invited White House officials and Republicans on the Senate Judiciary Committee to defend Attorney General Gonzales. We had no takers.” *Stephen raises hand* Right here, Chris.
  • The WØRD: Special Prosecutor
  • Do you know how many times Gonzales has appeared before Congress? *clip of Gonzales* “I do not recall.”
  • Who knows how many questions they’ve already asked him? *clip* “Uh, I have no recollection.”
  • What more can these senators want? *clip* “I don’t know that.”
  • Instead of lying, isn’t Gonzales merely incompetent? *Incompetent At Lying
  • And by that I don’t mean bad at his job, I mean *tapping his head* mentally incompetent. *Few Straps Short Of A Waterboard
  • If he believes it, technically, it’s not perjury. *It’s Fantasy
  • The Democrats hate the President so much that they are willing to attack the mentally challenged.*Flowers For Alberto
  • The Democrats are calling for a *airquotes* “Special Prosecutor.” *points at bullet point* It’s right there in the name. *Special Prosecutor
  • He deserves the Medal of Freedom. Or at least a hug. *“I Know It Was You, Fredo.”
  • In light of the Attorney General’s testimony, is there a judge in America that would find him fit to stand trial? *clip* “I don’t know the answer to your question.” And that’s The WØRD.
  • Stephen Colbert’s Sport Report! – I can play air guitar with a broken wrist!
  • Barry Bonds has been taking a lot of heat for his alleged steroid use, but everyone just needs to take a chill pill. And, if you can’t find chill pills, Barry knows a guy. Now, let’s just say he did take performance enhancing drugs. *Stephen takes out his pills* So what? *takes out spoon* He’s just doing what he’s paid to do, and that *crushing pills* is be the best, okay? He is a premier performer *takes out Zippo lighter* at the peak of his game. *heats spoon* The eyes of an expectant nation are on him, that is a lot of pressure, man. He’s got to bring it every day and HOT and hard! Alright? *brings out mug* So if Barry Bonds needs a little something *pours and stirs powder into mug* to give him an edge, then good for him, I say. His performance will be all the better for it. *drinks mug* OHHH… Sweet and Sour Jesus that is good. *takes another swig, eats pills directly from desk, sweeps powder from desk with his finger and does a coke rub on his teeth* Okay… WOOOOOOOOOOO! Man! Let’s do this thing!
  • He’s close to breaking the record for largest head circumference, currently held by Mr. Met. *puts his drugs away*
  • Victory in Iraq! Yes! There has finally been a victory for the Iraqi people – their soccer team. Iraq won in Jakarta against three-time champion Saudi Arabia. Still regret authorizing the war, Hillary? *chuckles* I didn’t think so. This is so exciting that I almost care about soccer. Let’s take a look at some of the action. *FoxNews clip of match* *cut to Stephen slumped backwards in chair, springing forward* This proves that our policy in Iraq is working, despite the fact that none of the players live in Iraq and there hasn’t been a home game in 17 years.
  • The good news has been tarnished by tragedy. I’m speaking of course about the 15 grand I lost betting on Saudi Arabia. WHO loses to Iraq?
  • This is my worst betting lost since I called my bookie to bet against The Mighty Ducks. I mean, they had a girl on their team!
  • Stephen Colbert the Greyhound! – Go baby go! WOOO! It’s electric! I can certainly see the regal resemblance, okay? Thickly, muscled haunches, and a look in his eye that says “I am willing to run until I am no longer profitable.” If they really want that dog to win, they’ve got to replace that stuffed rabbit whipping around the track with a stuffed Alan Colmes.
  • The factual rumor is that a lot of these tracks have adoption programs. Sometimes as many as a 100 dogs get adopted at once by caring corporate research scientists. And you know the dogs have got to be happy – they get free makeup and elective surgery. And when these greyhounds can’t race anymore, they’re put down, but listen – if I got injured on my job, I’d want to be put down too. But uh… not for a wrist injury. No, I mean a pain that can’t be controlled by prescription drugs. *takes a swig from mug*
  • According to Reuters, The Wall Street Journal has been sold to Rupert Murdoch. WOOOO! This *amid audience booing* I agree, this is good news for the economy, because from now on The Journal will only report good news on the economy. So once again, The Wall Street Journal has been purchased by Rupert Murdoch – uhh… unless he bought Reuters instead and planted this article to make it look like he bought The Journal. Always a possibility – the guy’s a player.
  • My guest tonight is here to tell me what happens when you mix religion and politics. Here’s hoping it’s The Rapture. Please welcome Kathleen Kennedy Townsend.
  • WOOOOO! *brings mug along with him, taking a sip, to the interview desk*
  • Do you have anything to do with handing out the Kennedy Center Honors? Cause I would love one of those rainbow necklaces around my neck.
    KKT: You definately deserve one.
    SC: If you can do anything about that, I mean, they gave one to Mork from Ork and at this point, I deserve it.
    KKT: We believe in bi-patisanship.
    SC: Oh, fantastic – I don’t, but that is good for you.
  • Should we abandon our personal morals and our spiritual values in our public life? Thomas More said “that’s a short road to chaos.”
  • KKT: The Christian right have shrunk God and they’ve made us care not about caring for the common good, caring for the poor and the sick and the helpless, but caring only about abortion, same-sex marriage and stem-cell research.
    SC: What else should we care about? Isn’t that the entirety of Christ’s message? And tax cuts?
  • What about Leviticus 20:13, where it says “if a man lies with another man, this is an abomination and they should be put to death?” Did I make that up?
    KKT: There are passages that sound pro-slavery, but the abolitionists understood the traditions of the bible are that of loving others and freedom for everybody. They figured that out for slavery a 100 years ago, and we should figure it out for gay men and women today. *audience applause*
    SC: Do you hear them applauding the sanctity of marriage, right now?
  • SC: You’re a Democrat, right? Are you a democrat? Are you a democrat or not? Are you a democrat? Are you a democrat or not?
    KKT: I thought you knew that.
    SC: I wasn’t sure, I thought some of you people turned both ways. No? You’re all Democrats?
  • Sibling-off:
    Kathleen-Joe-Bobby-David-Courtney-Michael-Carrie-Chris-Max-Dougie-and Rory
    JimmyEddieMaryBillyMarkTommyJayLouPeterPaulandStephen – that is professional speed.
  • Aren’t Democrats afraid of religion? I know that if I splash you with holy water, you’ll burn.
  • KKT: There’s a famous prayer – Our Father.
    SC: I’ve heard of it
  • KKT: We have a shrunken God now that only cares about sexual plumbing.
    SC: Are you saying that I’m wrong to pray to “My” Father?
    KKT: You understand that it’s not just yours, it’s “ours”, you’re in a family with 11 kids, and then there’s the community, and the country.
    SC: Except during dinner time, and then “it’s mine, Jack.”

  • Don’t I need to love me-self first, before I love my neigbor? I need a standard for love.
  • Tasteful gentleman suit report: Black suit, metallic orchid shirt with platinum cufflinks, and that left wrist cast. Cornflower violet tie with look with checkered logo pattern.
    • Videos courtesy of Motherload

  • To Russia With Love: Russia lays claim to the North Pole; several dissenting sea lions have been mysteriously poisoned.
  • Wrist Violence: For God’s sake, Hollywood! Wrist injuries are not entertainment!
  • Smokin’ Pole — Russia: Stephen warns us that if the Russians gain control of the North Pole, they will control Christmas.
  • Special Prosecutor: If Alberto Gonzales believes he’s telling the truth, then technically, it’s not perjury.
  • Sports Report — Iraq: Stephen lost 15 grand on the Asian Cup game… who loses to Iraq?

    This video expires 09/01/2007
  • Murdoch Buys Wall St. Journal: Reuters reports Rupert Murdoch bought the Wall Street Journal… or maybe he bought Reuters?
  • Kathleen Kennedy Townsend: Kathleen Kennedy Townsend tells Stephen that the Christian Right has shrunk God.
    • Filed Under: The Colbert Report Tagged With:

    Comments

    1. WordsWithGrace says:
      August 2, 2007 at 1:37 pm

      That was a HUGE virtual transcript! Thank you for typing all that!

      Shout Out (Hey!): Thumb up 0

    2. laughing at nothing says:
      August 2, 2007 at 3:53 pm

      In the greyhound racing segment, the phrase, “Go baby go!” was the original ad campaign slogan of the National Thoroughbred Racing Association (NTRA) in their dumb and ineffective (imho) attempt to re-popularize Thoroughbred horse racing.

      Shout Out (Hey!): Thumb up 0

    3. TheLakeEffect says:
      August 2, 2007 at 8:23 pm

      Oh yeah… I especially liked transcribing the Sports Report “blow-by-blow” scene. I just had to write that whole thing out.

      I thought I recognized that “Go baby go!” from somewhere… nowadays it’s Alex Trebek and Terry O’Quinn asking us “Who Do You Like Today?” Apparently, Woodbine here is a member of the NTRA…

      Now I’m off to see if I can find more stuff on Stephen Colbert the Greyhound…

      Shout Out (Hey!): Thumb up 0

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