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“Hot enough for you? Yes, I am. This is The Colbert Report!”

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Tuition Impossible: “Tonight: Colleges raise tuition for certain majors! But I say, just get an honorary degree; they’re free.”

• Wrist Watch
• Dr. Jerald Vizzone

The WØRD: College Credit

Bringin’ Sexy Beak: “Plus, Hollywood faces a pigeon infestation. Man, Michael Bay is really running out of ideas.”

• When Animals Attack Our Morals
• Hollywood pigeons
• Oscar the cat
• Thieving seagulls

Inaugural Balls: “And my guest Michael Beschloss has written a book on presidential courage. Turns out pardoning that turkey every Thanksgiving is scarier than you think.”

• Michael Beschloss – Author, Presidential Courage

Guest Plug: Michael Beschloss, Presidential Courage

In closing: Well, Nation, it’s the 30-minute anniversary of the beginning of this episode. I got you something: this show. Where’s my present? Goodnight.

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NOTABLE MOMENTS

• Nation, unless you’ve been on the moon this week, you know I broke my wrist. And if you *have* been on the moon, congratulations! You are the first. I’m not buyin’ it.
• While this has been a personal tragedy for me, I have tried to turn it into something positive for the nation: raising America’s awareness of “wrist violence”, in an effort we’re calling “Wrist Watch”.
• The worst part of an injury like this, folks, is the guilt. For years, I took my left wrist for granted. I never showed it the appreciation it deserved . . . If I make it through this, I promise to celebrate all my healthy joints.
• Jimmy, remind me what my left wrist was like in happier times.
• Now thankfully, folks, to pull me through this — really from the brink — there has been an angel out there. I’m talking about my orthopedic surgeon, Dr. Jerry Vizzone.
• Well, I have a very special treat for you folks, because tonight, Dr. Vizzone, the Master of the Metacarpals, the Rajah of the Radius, is in the vizz-ouse!
• Are you ready for Jerald Vizzone? Can you smell-ll-ll-ll-ll-ll-ll what the doc is healing? Ladies and gentlemen, LET’S GET READY TO REHAB!
• I wanna thank you for saving my wrist. And in a larger sense, America’s wrist . . . Now obviously, Jerry, the Nation is confused, and they’re frightened. Ummm, let’s — let’s tell them what happened. I came to see you and — what did you . . . ? Just take it from there.
• Vizzone: Well, you told me that your wrist hurt, so I said it might be broken.
• Stephen: Yeah, I remember that. That is *exactly* how it happened . . . Then what did you do?
• Vizzone: I took X-rays . . . As you can see, the CAT scan shows a fracture, a chip fracture, of the triquetrum.
• Stephen: That is *exactly* what it felt like! I said “triquetrum”; didn’t I say that? Did I say that?
• Vizzone: Yes, you did.
• Stephen: I didn’t, but thank you for saying so. Now, from there, we went into surgery. Um, how long did it take?
• Vizzone: About three minutes.
• Stephen: And what’s my prognosis, Jerry?
• Vizzone: You’ll be fine.
• Stephen: Don’t sugar-coat this, Jerry! I don’t want the little time I have left to be filled with lies!
• *Dude, he said, “No Fact Zone” on the show!* (Yeah, I know it wasn’t really about the site, but I *so* don’t care right now.)
• Now folks, you may not be aware of this, but I recently broke my wrist. Sadly, the night I broke it, I had already given my limo driver the night off to deliver her baby and she wouldn’t return my page. So I had an intern drive me home, and I had to make small talk. Ugh. I asked him his major — I assumed he’d say “coffee fetching”, otherwise why take an internship? — but he said for now he’s just taking whastever courses look interesting.
• It turns out these days, they let college kids do anything they want. They live in co-ed dorms, make friends with people from different backgrounds, both in the real world and on “the MyFace,” AND they can even eat cereal for dinner. It is chaos! [Editor's note: Hat tip to Alan for the "MyFace" link!]
• Folks, in today’s ‘anything goes’ ivory towers, kids earn credit for anything. For instance, if an English major writes a poem for a class, his credit is worth just as much as an engineering major who designs a weapon that can be used to repel poets [Like a Job].
• Nation, our young people are being taught that all knowledge is valuable, whether or not it leads to a promising career. But the fact is, folks, there is a real world difference between a graduate with an advertising degree [Account Executive In Five Years] and one with an art history degree [Account Executive In Six Years].
• Thankfully, some state universities are recognizing that by making tuition for some majors more expensive than others.
• Now according the universities, they need to charge more for courses like business, engineering and hard sciences because of expensive lab equipment and high faculty salaries. They say they have no choice. Now, I don’t know whether they *have* a choice; I’ll leave that to the Philosophy Department [They Have Free Time, If Not Free Will].
• But I, for one, am excited about this. It’s a breakthrough that allows me to achieve a long time dream, arranging all fields of knowledge into a three-tiered pricing system: ‘marketable’, ‘non-marketable’, and ‘you KNOW this is killing your parents’.
• Now, ‘marketable’ is the priciest: business, engineering and science. And whatever future professional football players major in. [Dogfighting]
• Then there’s ‘non-marketable’. That’s for majors like history. Why spend a lot for it when you won’t get a high paying job? Plus, if you don’t learn history, evidently you’re doomed to repeat it, and you’ll find out what happened for free. [Are You Listening, Michael Beschloss?]
• Finally, the lowest tier, which includes classics, comparative literature, linguistics; basically, anything taught by someone who says he ‘lives to teach’. Of course, if these universities really want to revolutionize education, they should apply monetary values not just to majors, but to individual facts [Like Alex Trebek].
• In French class, “Hello” and “Thank you” are free. You charge $20 for “Please take me to the hospital, someone has stolen my insulin.” [Je Voudrais Un Nouveau Pancreas] . . . Someone speaks French. [Editor's note: I believe that translates to, "I would like a new pancreas," but I don't speak French, so I'm willing to be corrected.]
• Chemistry classes can charge $10 for how to start a combustible chemical reaction and $30 for how to stop a combustible chemical reaction [Skin Graft Is Extra].
• Universities, adopt this plan. Install a card-swiper on each desk. That way, if students don’t have the cash, they can put it on credit. [College Credit] After all, you can’t put a price on knowledge, but the market can.
• Nation, there’s an old nursery rhyme my mother used to sing to me before bed. “Baa baa, Black Sheep, have you any morals? No sir, no sir, I’m a godless pile of fluff.”
• Not only did that rhyme keep me on the straight and narrow, it also taught me to wear only acrylic.
• Now, no surprise, folks, but our first morally bankrupt beast lives in Hollywood. I’m talking about pigeons. In order to curb their growing numbers, these rats with wings are now being given the Pill.
• If you think pigeon droppings are disgusting, just imagine what our statutes will be covered with now . . . Don’t think about it, actually.
• No more pigeon pill! I am calling for abstinence-only education. If these birds want to get it on, they can first get married in a church. But don’t throw rice. It makes their stomachs explode. Sad.
• The next animal attacking our morals: Oscar the cat.
• This cat is clearly euthanizing old people. He is like a Satanic Garfield. But instead of lasagna, he eats souls.
• Who does this cat think he is to play God? This isn’t ancient Egypt! And the last time I checked, God doesn’t poop in a box.
• This isn’t the first time cats have tried to murder humans; I sat through the musical Cats, and I thought I was gonna kill myself.
• And our final outrage, an animal attack on the Seventh Commandment: Thou shalt not steal. Jimmy? Here’s the seagull . . . watch it . . . He’s stealing Doritos! He’s nacho-thievier!
• Lay off our snacks, seagull! If God wanted you to eat Doritos, he would have given you marijuana and flat-screen TVs!
• My guest tonight has written a book on presidential courage. I can’t wait to read the chapter on pardoning Scooter Libby. Please welcome Michael Beschloss!
• Now, um, your book; it’s got a great title, Presidential Courage: Brave Leaders and How They Changed America. Wouldn’t it have been pithier just to call it “Executive Balls”?
• Now, why do you think Washington was so courageous? I mean, put Valley Forge aside, or being the Father of our country aside, or defeating the British aside. Put all of that aside, I mean — wasn’t he something of a coward, because he said, “No, two terms. That’s it, no more”?
• Now, what is your definition of “courage”? What makes for a courageous President . . . If part of the definition is doing things that are, are unpopular and lose you support, why not just call the book, “Profiles in George W. Bush”? Because he’s making decisions that, you know, at this point, nobody — as he said — except his wife and Barney, uh — are gonna support. And Dick Cheney. But what, um, I mean — don’t we have a courageous President right now? And don’t give me that ‘I’m impartial’ stuff and ‘history doesn’t judge,’ okay? I judge every night here. You can judge. History can judge here, tonight.
• Beschloss: It can, but the id — whole idea of a historian saying it, you have to know how it turns out. Let me ask you: thirty years from now, will Americans think the Iraq War was a great thing to do?
• Stephen: Yes . . . I just judged. Do I have more courage than you do? Is my, is — by the way, does it take courage to do a nightly television show with a broken wrist?
• Stephen: Who makes your list as some of the bravest people out there?
• Beschloss: Harry Truman recognized Israel in ‘48 . . .
• Stephen: He also showed some courage in bombing Japan; that took some courage.
• Beschloss: Uh . . . he did and –
• Stephen: A lot of people said, “Don’t bomb Japan”.
• Beschloss: I — I assume that, uh, The Colbert Report is not shown in Japan; I don’t know that that would be the best, uh, uh, line to take with the Japanese.
• Stephen: [Laughing] We might be shown there, but we’re not translated into — we’re not translated into “Hello Kitty”. So, so I – I don’t know if that’s gonna be a problem. Anyway, I’m not afraid. Once again: courage! This takes courage. Hey listen, if it costs me my viewership in Japan, so be it.
• Beschloss: Reagan helped to end the Cold War –
• Stephen: Helped?! He did it single-handedly, sir.
• Last question: Could you take Doris Kearns Goodwin [Team of Rivals: The Political Genius of Abraham Lincoln] in a fight?
• Beschloss: I — I wouldn’t want to; we’ve been friends for thirty years.
• Stephen: But I would pay to see it.

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Fangirl Suit Report: Navy blue suit with white pinstripes. Pale blue shirt with single-button barell cuffs. Tie with diagonal stripes of varying widths, red, navy blue, gold. Brown shoes.

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Wrist Watch — Vizzone: Dr. Jerald Vizzone gives Stephen a full prognosis of his broken wrist.

More Video Highlights, courtesy of Comedy Central’s Motherload

• Epic Poem: Stephen wrote a Homeric epic poem for tonight’s toss.
• Tuition Impossible: Colleges raise tuition for certain majors — Why not just get an honorary degree? They’re free.
• College Credit: Stephen comes up with a new pricing system for the University system.
• Animals Attack — Oscar the Cat: Who does this cat think he is to play God? God doesn’t poop in a box.
• Michael Beschloss: Michael Beschloss runs down his list of courageous presidents.

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Related posts

• Episode 4070 (05/29/2008)
• Episode 4069 (05/28/2008)
• Episode 4067 (05/15/2008)
• Episode 4066 (5/14/08)