Episode 3085 (6/25/2007)

“If you’re sitting within three feet of your TV, careful: You’re in the splash zone. This is The Colbert Report!

Vice Grip: “Tonight, I examine Cheney’s power. Can he hold a meeting so secret not even he knows about it?”

  • Freegans

The WØRD: Fourth Branch

Dead If By Sea: “Plus, what dangers lurk under water? Besides the water. Which can drown you.”

  • Special Tropical Theme ThreatDown
    1. Sand!
    2. Japan!
    3. Octopi!
    4. Coral Reefs!
    5. Dolphins!

Tom Hatin’: “And my guest Tom Hayden wants to end the war in Iraq. Finally, someone else who supports the surge.”

  • Thomas Hayden – Author, Ending the War in Iraq

Guest Plug:

In closing: Well, that’s it for The Report, everybody. If you enjoyed tonight’s show, we’ll see you again tomorrow. If you didn’t, we’ll still see you again tomorrow; read your contract. Good night!


  • I love seeing Americans stand up for themselves, if by “themselves”, they mean “me”.
  • I hope you’re watching tonight’s show on a TV you bought. Not one you found in the garbage. I’m talking to you, freegans!
  • Way to stick it to “The Man”, freegans! You know another great way to minimize your impact on the planet is to leave it?
  • I’m sure the dumpster behind NASA has some usable rocket parts. Fish around.
  • Look, I’m all for finishing a half-eaten falafel you find in an old tire; as long as you paid for it.
  • But these trash-eating hippies are freeloading everything from paintings to laundry detergent to entire cats. That’s right, that lady is a freegan, too. Unless it’s the cat who’s the freegan, and he found her in the trash.
  • This is ridiculous; these freegans didn’t even know there was an article about freegans until someone threw out their paper.
  • I’m not going to stand by and let these, ah, ah, human RATS live off OUR waste. That is why I am calling for everyone in the Colbert Nation to hoard their trash.
  • Justice is ripe.
  • Point is, here, keep your trash. Get rid of your garbage cans, but don’t throw ’em out; you don’t want to give these freegans something to play in a drum circle.
  • Nation . . . I could go, I could go for some Purell at this point.
  • Nation, we are in the middle of a constitutional crisis. And not the good kind, with sex and interns.
  • This one involves Congressman Rahm Emanuel, and his plan to cut off funds to the Vice President’s Office.
  • Hey, Rahm, if you want to talk about cutting things off, how ’bout the way you cut off your fingertip as a teenager working in Arby’s? I got it right here. AAAHHHH! That’s *never* not scary!
  • So why is Emanuel on this “Rahm”-page? Just because Vice President Cheney won’t let the National Archives see any of his classified documents, even though President Bush says everybody in the Executive Branch has to do it.
  • Folks, the National Archives wants to preserve sensitive information from the Vice President’s Office; things he talks about, what he decided, who he decided it with [And Whether He Shot Them In The Face], but it is a dangerous precedent to archive information like this, because when it’s released in fifty years, it could be used against us by our enemies [Enemies = Historians].
  • That is why, that is why Cheney *had* to play his trump card: That he is not a member of the Executive Branch. Now, some people still believe he IS part of that branch, I suppose because Article 2 of the Constitution says, “The executive power shall be vested in a President of the United States of America, He shall hold his office during the term of four years, and, together with the Vice President, chosen for the same term, be elected.”
  • But the Constitution was written a long time ago; there’s a lot of archaic language in there [“The Writ of Habeas Corpus Shall Not Be Suspended . . .”].
  • Our government, our government has had to adapt [Not Evolve].
  • Now remember, after 9/11, President Bush “. . . dispatched a shadow government . . .”, with Cheney at the helm. Isn’t it possible, that as head of this “shadow” government, Cheney was given “shadow” powers, and a “shadow” Constitutional Convention, that wrote a “shadow” Article 2 that made him our government’s fourth branch? [Branch Really More Of A Billy Club]
  • I certainly hope so. Because our non-shadow government has only three branches, and they’re always getting in each others’ way [Keystone Constitutionalists].
  • It’s a lot like a game of “Rock, Paper, Scissors”. The President is the “rock”, of course. He’s like Saint Peter [Denied Secret Prisons Three Times].
  • Congress generates so many useless documents, they’re clearly “paper” [Always Getting Reamed].
  • And, the Judiciary are the “scissors”. Why do you think Justice is blind? [Shot In Face By Cheney]
  • Each, each of these branches can beat the others, and there’s gridlock. But the Vice President’s new undisclosed branch of government gets things done. Bobby? Come here, let’s do something, okay?
  • Let’s play, “Rock, Paper, Scissors, Cheney”. Okay? All ready? On three: One, two, three.
    • Bobby: Scissors.
    • Stephen: I win.
    • Bobby: Well, what do you have?
    • Stephen: I can’t tell you. But — but, just trust me that it beats scissors. [Bobby interjects: How?] And it also beats, uh, rock and paper.
    • Bobby: How?
    • Stephen: I can’t tell you how, Bobby. It would endanger the nation. And, more importantly, my ability to win this game.
    • Bobby: Okay, but . . .
    • [Stephen ignores him, turns to a different camera]
  • . . . So, Rahm Emanuel, leave Dick Cheney alone. The Vice President must not be compelled to drag his classified documents into the light. He is our shadow leader, and as such, he has the right to STICK HIS PAPERS WHERE THE SUN DON’T SHINE.
  • Nation, it’s summer, and before you drag your pale bodies out to the beach, you’ll need a high SPF. That’s “Stephen Protection Factor”. And I’m about to slather it all over you.
  • Sand! I’ve never trusted this seemingly-innocent silicate. It has always proved an inadequate building material for my castles. Come on, Sand, you can’t handle one wave?!
  • But even I was shocked when I saw this headline: “Sand more deadly than sharks
  • Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water, it is, in fact, safer to go back in the water.
  • Discovery Channel, I am calling on you to broadcast “Sand Week”.
  • Apparently, not even the Japanese can speak Japanese. ‘Kay? Speak English, this is America, guys.
  • And this is a threat to American history. Last time I checked, history is written by the winners; that’s why we don’t call Arizona, “Navajovia”.
  • Fine, go ahead; change the history books, Japan. But two can play that game: From now on, “Japanese internment camps” will be known as, “Best Happy Mandatory Sleepover Fun Zone”.
  • [T]he cephalopods are clearly planning something big. Check this out: in England, a giant octopus at a marine park is playing with Legos®.
  • They are preparing for an attack, folks. They will use their building skills to build a staircase out of the sea, then good luck outrunning something with eight legs.
  • According to microbiologists at Plymouth University in England, most of the world’s coral reefs are riddled with herpes.
  • Now, you’re probably asking yourself, how did the coral catch herpes? Scientists blame humans for putting too much carbon into the oceans, but that doesn’t answer the basic question: Who’s been f*@king the coral reefs?
  • *Hahahahahaha!*
  • That’s – that’s nowhere in their report. I looked. Now, I’m not surprised by this development; I’ve always found coral reefs to the be sluts of the sea, the way they dazzle us with their tropical colors, letting any old triggerfish make a home in their crevasses. So, scuba divers, for your protection, put a wetsuit on that thing.
  • Researchers in Nokomis Florida are warning people about a dolphin named “Beggar”, who bit a woman’s thumb as she reached out of her boat to feed him. First of all, stop the handouts; no free rides. Secondly, I have never trusted dolphins. Fish or mammal? Pick a side.
  • I’ve been saying it for years: Dolphins are the bears of the sea.
  • Stephen mimicking the bear footage — priceless.
  • They’re both vicious killers at the top of their respective food chains. Plus, both species harbor ill-will against us for humiliating them to entertain our children.
  • And now that “Beggar” has gotten a taste of human flesh, she’s bound to tell other dolphins how delicious we are.
  • The movie is called The Day Of the Dolphin, starring George C. Scott. Rent it.
  • My guest tonight was one of the “Chicago Seven”. He’s about to meet all of the Colbert One. Please welcome Tom Hayden.
  • I don’t know where to start with my anger. You were a major anti-war voice during the Vietnam War; congratulations on losing that for America.
  • Ah, and now you’ve a new book called Ending the War in Iraq. Okay? I assume chapter one is entitled, ah, “Win” and the rest is just Sudoku?
  • How many P’s can you fit in that sentence? “People”, “pressure”, “pillars”, “policy”. “Pizza” “pie”.
  • By the way, if it lasts more than four hours, you should see a doctor . . . Six months and, ah, you might want to have, uh, it immortalized.
  • Did Stephen just make a reference to priapism? Goodness!
  • Okay, so, the point of the book is, pull out and lose, and, ah, negotiate with our enemies . . . okay.

Fangirl Suit Report: Black suit with black stripes. Very light blue shirt with single-button barrel cuffs. Black tie with small polka dot pattern.

ThreatDown – Coral Reefs: Coral reefs carry the herpes virus. Stephen wants to know who’s been f@#king the coral reefs? (This video expires: 07/25/2007)

More Video Highlights, courtesy of Comedy Central’s Motherload

  • Vice Grip: Can Dick Cheney hold a meeting so secret not even he knows about it?
  • The Freegans: To prevent these trash-eating hippies from freeloading, Stephen asks us to hoard our garbage.
  • Fourth Branch: Dick Cheney is our shadow leader and he can stick his papers where the sun don’t shine.
  • Tom Hayden: Tom Hayden gives Stephen a tongue twister to end the Iraq War.


  1. TheLakeEffect says:

    Fa Love Pa!

  2. There was a typo when Stephen was talking about Dick Cheney being a dick, government was spelled “goverment.” Just thought I would throw that out there, typos irk me, but they are somehow endearing on the Report, maybe because it shows they are not perfect.

    Also, FUN FACT! Tom Hayden used to be married to Jane Fonda, I wish that subject had come up last night.

  3. @Cathy, I thought I remembered something about Tom Hayden and Jane Fonda. I too was waiting for it to come up.

    Loved the tropical theme threatdown. As soon as I heard the quote from the expert, I thought, “Oh, no, bears of the sea.” Sure ’nuff!

  4. Did anyone else notice that there was an irritating woman in the audience who laughed in a shrilly, uproarious voice?

  5. barenjager says:

    It’s so cute when he explains allusions for the audience. !!!!!

    I love it.

  6. I’m surprised that Stephen didn’t call out the mainstream media on screwing up the octopus story. Anyone who knows the first thing about LEGO can tell that those were oversized off-brand blocks in the picture with the octopus – the whole news story is based on a sensationalized lie, and the octopus never had any LEGO parts at all!

    …but no, even Stephen fell for that “liberal” media lie. So much for Stephen saying the things that the “MSM bozos” won’t.

  7. Ms Interpreted says:

    I’m still snickering over the “Who’s been f*#king the coral reefs?” line. And the mimicking of the bear. And the offhand allusion to priapism. Geez, this man makes me laugh!

If you're new to our Zoner community, please read the No Fact Zone Comment Policy before commenting. Thank you!