Episode 3083 (6/20/2007)

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“Hey, America, I’ve got shotgun! Not the seat, the gun. This is The Colbert Report!”

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Prison Brakes: “Tonight, a federal appeals court says that the President can’t indefinitely detain enemy combatants. Ok, let’s set a time limit: 1000 years.”

• New York Post/ Daily News covers
• Bloomberg becomes an Independent
• Detaining enemy combatants

The Wørd: Justice … I’m sorry, I meant to say Just-ish

Dental Damn: Plus, toothpaste from China is found to contain poison. 4 out of 5 dentists recommmend you do not use it. The fifth? Dead.

• Cheating Death with Dr. Stephen T. Colbert, DFA
• Nutrition: Kellogg’s is raising the nutritional value of cereals and snacks it markets to children.
• Oral Hygene: Don’t brush your teeth – Counterfeit Colgate toothpaste
• Weight Loss: FDA approves OTC drug “Alli”

CC Writer: “Then my guest will be Will Schwalbe, who has co-written a book on e-mail etiquette. I’ll interview him in all capital letters.

• Will Schwalbe – Author, “Send”

Guest Plug:

In closing: Take it from me, there’s nothing like a job well done, except the quiet enveloping darkness at the bottom of a bottle of Jim Beam after a job done any way at all.

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NOTABLE MOMENTS

• The Toss: Aaaaw! Dancing Stephen! West Side Story! How precious!
• Did anyone make the show and write an episode guide that could explain that gaining weight comment at the top of the show?
• EDIT: Got this report from loudfan at the TWoP forums –

  “Stephen took audience questions after the toss, and one person asked him why he looked so awkward when he appeared on “Whose Line Is It Anyway.” Stephen said “all of the rest of those guys were good friends” or something like that. The guy commented that he was wearing a suit then too, and Stephen said, “I always wear a suit when I perform. Try wearing a shirt with a collar sometime!” Then the guy made some remark about how he was thinner back then!! Stephen said, “Well, that was 10 years ago,” but I guess the audience member’s comment must have stayed with him because he not only did he refer to it at the top of the show, but during the interview with the guest as well (“Have you noticed Stephen Colbert has gained some weight?”)”

• Nice try, Bloomberg, you can’t choose being independent, it’s not like being gay.
• The guy’s a billionaire, I couldn’t wait to hear this guy’s health care proposal and his unneccesary, elaborate plan to kill James Bond.
• Plus … not a Democrat, not a Republican, Mr. Bloomburg, how can I launch partisan attacks at you if you don’t have a partisan?
• There’s a war on terror, and, gaining steam, the war on the war on terror.
• Oh, so now they have a problem with the President’s nicknames. Calling detainees enemy combatants is no different than calling David Gregory “Stretch”, who by the way, the President should also detain indefinitely.
• Second, I can agree with this ruling, and support the President. Because I support his ability to ignore this ruling. [Pretend It Says "Bin Laden Determined To Strike in U.S."]
• Judges think everybody should get a trial. And who can blame them? If nobody got trials, judges would just be guys in black robes. And they can’t all be absorbed by our nation’s gospel choirs. [Have To Go Tell It On Two Mountains]
• The left-wing ACLU-types can have an orgy of self-congratulation [MoveOn.Orgasm]
• Congress doesn’t have oversight abilities. Now that opinion might slightly “alter” the constitutional foundations of our Republic. [Like Napalm Alters Foliage]
• Well, it turns out that Vaxadrine has been linked to DIS, or Dissolving Intestine Syndrome, which in rare cases can lead to complications.
• This is the biggest shock to the cereal industry since Cap’n Crunch was demoted to Petty Officer Crunch. Something about showing the female recruits at the Academy his Crunchberries.
• Theyre fine.
• If you really want to start the morning right, try the new cereal from the good people at Prescott Pharmaceuticals, Vaxa-Smacks. Yes, Vaxa-Smacks. It’s the first cereal guaranteed to shrink your prostate. Or, if you’re a lady, grow you one. Side effects may include dry mouth, hairy uvula, and speaking in tongues. Vaxa-smacks is not for people who have, or may have or have decided not to have children.
• On the bright side, you can make all your dental appointments at Jiffy Lube.
• But, if you prefer not to inject antifreeze, why not switch to Vaxa-Dream, the refreshing new toothpaste from Prescott Pharmaceuticals. Vaxa-Dream is certified not to contain anything stronger than glass cleaner and beef tallow. Kissing someone who brushes with Vaxa-Dream is like making out with the cleaning crew at a steakhouse. Side effects may include spontaneous and uncontrollable gum growth.
• It’s the most promising diet innovation since the Cake Guard which blocks the face’s absorption of cake.
• Now if you don’t want to worry about Alli’s unpleasant side effects, there is an alternative, Vaxadril. Yes, Vaxadril, it curbs your appetite by causing short-term blindness. Believe me if you suddenly go blind, food is the last thing you’re going to be thinking about. Side effects may include increased appetite and permanent blindness.
• Prescott Industries, guaranteed to change your life, and possibly your genetic code.
• I wonder where he stands on lists that explain why cats are better than men.
• Now, I spend most of my time e-mailing drunk, I just open my mind and let it flow, globally, everbody on my list gets the same mail all the time.
• It looks more like it’s chiseled in stone that way.
• What’s the difference between cowardly and ice-cold and impersonal?

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Fangirl Suit Report: Black suit; pale gray shirt, maybe with a slight tinge of lavendar, with barrel cuffs; Navy tie with random lavendar/gray tetrahedron pattern.

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Videos coming soon!