Episode 3082 (6/19/2007)

“Hey, oscillating fans! Pick a side. We’re at war! This is The Colbert Report!”

Bird of Praise: Should there be a National Eagle Day? Come on, sharks get a whole week.

Dog Day Evening: I name my Alpha Dog of the Week. Oh by the way audience, he marked the first row.

Slaughter on 10th Ave: Author Anne-Marie Slaughter says we need to return to the values of our Founding Fathers. Great, another person who wants us to grow hemp.

Guest plugs:

  • National Eagle Center in Wabasha, MN – MaryBeth Garrigan (Director of Communications and Programming)
  • The Idea That Is America: Keeping Faith With Our Values In A Dangerous World by Anne-Marie Slaughter

  • In Closing:“That’s it for the Report everybody. Goodnight.”


    • I wish I had some kind of emotional ping-pong paddle so I could slap that love right back at you.
    • Secret Clapton Concert in the Works. Not anymore, New York Times! Now there’s just a Clapton concert in the works. It was a secret, but you had to go tell everybody.
    • “…no public press or announcement pre or post show is permitted.” This whole concert may be in whole jeopardy now all because you can’t keep a secret, New York Times! First you spill the beans on wiretapping, then you blow the lid off our secret prisons in Europe, which also could have been for charity, we don’t know. Anytime someone wants to do anything exciting and you’re not invited, you have to go yak about it to anybody who will listen.
    • “Surprise Party Tonight For Karl Rove, Bush Advisor Thinks He’s Going to Jazz Club”
    • Worst thing about this is that Eric Clapton’s agreement called for a $1 million donation to a charity of Mr. Clapton’s choice, and I am pretty darned sure that he was leaning toward the Stephen and Melinda Gates Foundation. That would have raised our operating budget to just over $1 million. We could have finally funded that study to research which studies to fund. If you blew this for me New York Times, I will continue to never forgive you.
    • A good dad will go to any lengths to regurgitate squirrel meat into his son’s mouth. I speak of course about my eagle son, Stephen Jr. Here he is, *audience awws* yeah I know, I know, fresh out of the incubator.
    • As many of your know we have been estranged, ever since he left the San Francisco Zoo and made a bee-line for Canada. I knew I shouldn’t have given him such a hard time for dating that barn owl, but how are they going to raise kids? Diurnal or nocturnal? Now I’ve done everything in my power to bring Stephen Jr. back, short of leaving my studio. I have had people stand on the Canadian border and wave salmon. I’ve dispatched a crack commando squad (consisting of Bobby, Killer, and Paulina’s husband, er – Ric Ocasek). I’ve even sent my building manager Tad to kidnap a female eagle to lure Stephen back. *from clip* That’s a chicken. A complete failure. A delicious failure, but a failure still.
    • Now I was worried that the combination of loose Hollywood morals and the Pacific Northwest pot-smoking slackerdom would be a recipe for disaster but it seems to work for Matthew McConnaughey.
    • Bald Eagles are poised to come off the endangered species list. It is about time. The Endangered Species List is just welfare for animals. These eagles have proven that it’s possible to pull yourselves up by your talon-straps. Let all the lazy animals take a lesson from this. You know who I’m talking about, Northern Hairy-Nosed Wombat. I don’t care if you born in a burrow, get a job and lose some weight.
    • To celebrate the comeback of the Bald Eagle, Senate has passed a resolution to declare June 20th National Eagle Day “celebrating the recovery and restoration of the American Eagle.” S. Res. 146 And I for one cannot wait. Everyone is invited over to my place for raw salmon and field mice.
    • Is there any chance that she (Harriet the eagle) is going to go for my eyeballs? What if I rubbed some salmon on my eyelids before I came out here? No sense of smell? Well then we’re even – I don’t see color.
    • MBG: They chose the eagle, rather than the turkey.
      SC: Which is what Ben Franklin wanted, because he *hand gesture* smoked dope. You could have gotten the munchies whenever you looked at the National Seal.
    • Now why don’t we just combine Flag Day, and Eagle Day – kill two birds with one stone, no offence – and we could attach a flag to an eagle and fly that around, what could be more patriotic than that?
    • *Stephen feeds Harriet raw chicken!*
    • Now, her eating chicken, that’s semi-cannibalism, isn’t it? That would be like me eating Jon Stewart. Think about it, Jon. Just think about it for ratings, Jon.

    Tasteful Gentleman Suit Report: Black suit. Light violet shirt with button cuffs. Dark blue tie with silver, navy blue and grey indigo stripes.

    Bird of Praise:
    Should there be a National Eagle Day? Come on, sharks get a whole week.

    Secret Clapton Concert: A secret Eric Clapton concert in the works? Not anymore, New York Times!
    MaryBeth Garrigan: MaryBeth Garrigan brings Harriet the Bald Eagle on the show for a snack.

    This video expires 7/19/2007
    Alpha Dog – Robert Bork: It takes a strong man to look at his own written opinions and say it’s time to take a slice.
    Countdown to Armageddon: Sir Isaac Newton predicts that the end of the world will occur in 2060.
    Anne-Marie Slaughter: Anne-Marie Slaughter believes that America can use the aid of other countries.

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