Episode 3075 (6/6/2007)

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“It’s the 63rd anniversary of D-Day. Still waiting for that Thank You note, France! This is The Colbert Report!”

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Faith-Off: “Tonight, CNN gives the Democratic candidates an hour to talk about God. Wonder what they did the other 58 minutes?”

• Third Republican debate

The Wørd: Previously on The Wørd … and now the conclusion of The Wørd – Airogance

Emission Controlled: “Then, the head of NASA says global warming isn’t a problem. Exactly. If the ice caps melt, that’s just more water to make Tang.”

• Tip of the Hat/ Wag of the Finger
• Wag: Fox News
• Tip: Bookseller Tom Wayne of Prospero’s Books in Kansas City, Missouri.
• Tip: Genosis Inc.
• Wag: Guitar players

All The President’s Wife: “And Carl Bernstein has a new biography on Hillary Clinton. I’m guessing she’s a composite character.”

• Carl Bernstein – Author, “A Woman In Charge”

Guest Plug:

In closing: The Craziest F#?king Thing I’ve Ever Heard – Octopus opening a jar

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NOTABLE MOMENTS

• Last night was the third Republican debate, and the sparks were flying, folks. Unfortunately, the taser was pointed at the President’s groin.
• Good one, Thompson! I got another good one for you. What’s the difference between Tommy Thompson and Benedict Arnold? Benedict Arnold’s parents spent more than 10 seconds coming up with his name.
• Asking Democrats about their religion is like asking Mel Gibson how he enjoyed his passover.
• Advertising your faith is easy. Like this … Jesus – now with 20% more peanuts. Is that so hard? I’d buy that. Any way you slice ‘em.
• I don’t know where he [Obama] finds the courage.
• And if he’s not going to be specific about those sins, I’m just going to have to assume John Edwards is talking about murder. John Edwards murders someone every day. And that’s not what I’m looking for in a president, sorry.
• And by your own argument, scientist, when something evolves, it gets better. [Though I Do Miss My Tail]
• It is arrogant to try to stop climate change until you’ve asked all other human beings what they think. [Please, Nobody Ask Sheryl Crow]
• After all, how could anyone possibly know which countries are against global warming? [Kyoto Treaty]
• That is the spirit of NASA – if mankind hasn’t done something before, it can’t possibly be worth trying.
• First of all, Putin’s a good guy. He’s just gone mad from inhaling the Polonium he’s poisoning his enemies with.
• She called the president a tool! What a dick. Now listen to what the Anti-Bush guy said ["I support George Bush"] Fox! You are supposed to be Fair and Balanced on the side of the President. Read your mission statement. But lately you’re sounding like the best thing for our country might be the Democrats … STOP IT! I’m confused! It’s like there’s bumblebees in my head! Get out!
• Ding Dong, the witch is dead! In lieu of flowers, America respectfully requests that you send video games. [Editor's Note: Did anyone else see the World of ColbertCraft game in the collage?]
• The great news here, folks, is once men learn about the dried twigs in their baby pouches, they will be much more eager to go online and order a year’s supply of Stephen Colbert’s Formula 401. Head to ColbertNation.com and use the coupon code “SHOOTINGBLANKS” for a 20% discount. My stuff is guaranteed potent. Ladies of childbearing years should not even handle the box.
• Smoky guitar Stephen!!!!!
• It ["A Woman In Charge"] is 638 pages. Why so long? Why not just say “A woman in charge … bad idea.” End of book.
• But you’re unpacking her version – you’re opening up this package. She’s perfectly packaged. Every part of her has been focused … she’s like Shrek, ok? She’s perfectly focus-grouped.
• Narrowing the gap between cephelopods and humans can only end in disaster. One day octopi are twisting open bottles, the next they’re twisting open the hatch doors of submarines. Watch yourselves USS Rhode Island! Nuke anything with more than four arms. Because once they get inside, the next thing they’ll screw open is your skulls to suck out our delicious brains. It’s what they want!
• This is part of an alarming trend, folks. We all remember the shrimp on a treadmill. Clearly our seafood is training for something big. We need to protect ourselves. I say we preemptively deep-fry the whole ocean. Fight them under there so we don’t have to fight them upu here. Free ride for too long! Because I’ve seen a shark with a hammer for a head, but an octopus that opens bottles? That’s the craziest f@?king thing I’ve ever heard.

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Fangirl Suit Report: Black pinstripe suit, Faintly gray tinted shirt with barrel cuffs, Red tie with white dots.

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Craziest F#?king Thing — Octopi: One day octopi are twisting open bottles, the next they’re twisting open submarine hatch doors.

More Video Highlights, courtesy of Comedy Central’s Motherload

• Not Jon: Stephen engages in some “Not Jon” trash talk and invokes Proust.
• Faith Off: CNN gives the Dems an hour to talk about God. Wonder what they did for the other 58 minutes.
• Sinner Edwards: John Edwards shed his boy scout image and came clean about his own depravity.
• Airogance: If mankind hasn’t done something before, it can’t possibly be worth trying.
• Tip/Wag — Deep Purple: Stephen makes up for missing a record-breaking Deep Purple guitar jam.
• Carl Bernstein: Carl Bernstein tells Stephen about Robot Hillary Clinton.