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“Loch Ness Monster, come on my show, or you’re nothing but a myth. This is The Colbert Report!”

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Weiner Circle: “Tonight! America reclaims the hot dog eating crown. Global reputation? Restored.”

• Stephen’s vacation, quarantined by the CDC
• Democratic Presidential Debate
• American Joey Chestnut sets world record for hot dog eating

Stamp Out Hunger: “Then, Congresswoman Jane [sic] Schakowsky spent a week living on food stamps. I don’t know why she didn’t just enter a hot dog eating contest.”

• Rep. Jan Schakowsky
• BKAD: Rep. “Jane” Schakowsky, (IL-9)

Behind Bard: “And Bard College President Leon Botstein stops by to talk about bringing higher education to the penal system. I got the answer: Imprison all the professors.”

• Stephen interviews Bard College’s Leon Botstein

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In closing: [Stephen peeks coyly from behind his Mardi Gras-style, sequined and feathered half mask.] Good night.

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NOTABLE MOMENTS

• Welcome to the Report, everybody. Wow! It is good to be back from our week break; I missed you. Pretty uneventful vacation for me. I was quaranteed with a rare form of drug-resistant TB, and, ah . . . I should really stop performing medical experiments on myself in the hopes that, one day, I will turn into a superhero. Gamma rays are doing nothing.
• Anyway, the Centers for Disease Control suggested that I keep a low profile, so I just puttered around; I went to the movies; I marched in a Memorial Day Parade; I visited my ten favorite local salad bars; umm . . . oh! I did go to a wedding. In Finland. I ah, I bought a cheap ticket online so I had three layovers: one in London, one in Buenos Aires, one in Namibia. And rather than endangering the other first class passengers, I took a middle seat in coach.
• Now, I know what you’re thinking, but, don’t worry, I heeded my doctor’s advice and I wore a mask. [Stephen hides coquettishly behind a Mardi Gras style gold-sequined half mask on a stick with red and gold feathers.] Oh, flight attendant! Could I get some more of those delicious nuts?
• This thing’s a real lifesaver. It was me, by the way. Did you forget for a moment who it was?
• The *real* threat to public safety is if I got recognized; it might cause a mob scene.
• Anyway, speaking of threats to public safety, I don’t know if you watched the Democratic Presidential Debate last night; I didn’t. But I assume I would have been really impressed with the way that Hillary, Obama and Edwards cemented their status as front-runners, Gravel said something bats#!t crazy, and Richardson talked about New Mexico, Biden said you can’t ship Richardson back *to* Mexico, and Kucinich called for the depoyment of an all butterfly army.
• By the way, I think Wolf Blitzer has had a beard lift.
• Of course, the real story this weekend was how one brave man risked it all to bring glory to this country. You know what I’m talkin’ about, Nation; on Saturday, an American broke the world hot dog eating record! Whoo!
• *Stephen with a flag! That never gets old.*
• After years of coming in second to Japan’s Takeru Kobayashi, American hero Joey Chestnut, the “Sultan of Snout-meat,” brought the record home with an astounding fifty-nine and a half hot dogs choked down in twelve minutes. Eat it, Kobayashi!
• Now you have no honor. And that is going to be one messy seppuku. [*Character breaks - hee!*]
• But believe it or not, some people don’t think Joey’s record is a big deal. In fact, tomorrow — which should be a holiday off for honoring his fifty-nine and a half hot dog victory — it’s actually National Hunger Awareness Day. Two hundred food banks and twenty thousand food service agencies will participate in events, all to raise awareness of hunger. Oh, that’s a great way to help the hungry: make them aware of their hunger. If you really wanna help, how about distracting the hungry by waving shiny objects?
• They claim you can’t afford a healthy diet on three dollars a day, but they fail to mention that three dollars could also buy three lotto tickets and if you win, it is gold-plated cheeseburgers for everybody.
• Now if you ask me, this Food Stamp Challenge is just a stunt by a bunch of congressmen in the pocket of Big Poverty. Well you know what? I’m not “biting.” [Solitary laugh in the studio.] Yeah. One of the heroes gets it.
• Here to discuss what she did with her three dollars a day, please welcome Illinois Representative Jane [sic] Schakowsky! . . . It’s actually “Jan”? Well, I’m gonna stick with “Jane” because I don’t apologize for my mistakes any more than Hillary does.
• [Editor's note: Hey, Rep. Schakowsky knows about BLTs! Either she or someone on her staff is a major it-getter.]
• What did you eat? Because I got three dollars, this is three dollars right here. I got, uh, I got, some uh . . . ‘Hot Spicy Pork Rinds,’ I got a Slim Jim, and I got some Marshmallow Fluff. That is three dollars; that cost three dollars right there.
• [Stephen dips a pork rind into the Marshmallow Fluff, offers some to Schakowsky, who declines.] Really? . . . You sure? Because I am here to tell you, that after you, after you do this [takes bite], I’m not gonna want to eat again for at least twenty-four hours.
• Is welfare the answer? If we give people more food stamps, I mean, they’re just gonna get addicted to food stamps.
• And did you win the no-eating contest? You did? Oh, I love a champion.
• We’ve been trying to get [Congresswoman Schakowsky] on for our Better Know a District series, but we can never work it out. Maybe because of scheduling problems, or maybe because her district is right next to that of Congressman Rahm Emanuel, WHO IS AFRAID OF ME. And who has discouraged his Democratic colleagues from coming on my show. Well, it looks like your grip is slipping, Rahm! It’s probably because of your missing fingertip. It’s right here! [Stephen gives Emanuel the finger-in-a-gift-box again.]
• But little did CongressmanLadySchakowsky, whose name is “Jane” by the way, know that during our interview, she was getting “Better Known” in the forty-eighth installment of our 434-part series, “Better Know a District”. Tonight, Illinois’ ninth, the Fightin’ Ninth!
• The Ninth includes Chicago’s scenic Lake Shore Drive, or “LSD,” as it’s called. Every day, thousands of Chicagoans take LSD on their way to work.



• Evanston is also the home to Northwestern University, which has produced Supreme Court Justices, Nobel Prize winners and, most importantly, some of the best collegiate theater in American history [see picture at right of 21-year old Stephen, complete with beard, in the midst of a performance of "Pelleas and Melisande"]. I don’t know who that bearded guy is, but he looks serious. He . . . he should really lighten up.
• The Northwestern Wildcats football team carries a reputation for excellence. In academics. But they suck at football. In fact, they hold the NCAA record of thirty-four consecutive losses. However, residents of the Ninth don’t think of the Wildcats as losers, because the district also contains Wrigley Field, home of the Chicago Cubs. A team that, year after year, makes a thirty-four game losing streak sound attractive.
• And, of course, the Ninth contains the city of Park Ridge, hometown of Hillary Clinton. It’s one of her five favorite places she’s from . . . Here’s hoping Senator Clinton keeps up the proud winning tradition of the Chicago Cubs and Northwestern Wildcats.
• And who’s the winner of the race to represent this district? It’s Democrat “Jane” Schakowsky. I sat down with Rep. Schakowsky . . . five minutes ago, right over here.
• My guest tonight first became a college president when he was twenty-three years old. Some people will do anything not to graduate.
• Now, you are not an evil mastermind, are you? With the shaved head and the glasses? You look like you might be an intellectual evil character from, uh, some sort of comic book where . . . where guys with giant brains are taking over the world. Is that what you are?
• *I* know the answers, how come *you* don’t? You went to Harvard!
• I can prove [divine presence]. Bible says that’s what it is. Bible also says, that every word of the Bible is true.
• You just called God a liar!
• You think that everybody should be educated; you’d like to see prisoners educated. You have, your college has a program that, that, that educates, gives education to prisoners, and evidently it really lowers the recidivism rate . . . You wanna put criminals back on the street, is what you’re saying. But now they’re super-geniuses. Masterminds like yourself.
• Are you gonna provide this to Scooter Libby?

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Fangirl Suit Report: Black suit, white shirt with white stripe pattern and two-button barrel cuffs. Black tie with white polka dot pattern.

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Stephen’s Vacation: After being diagnosed with TB, Stephen kept a low profile over the Memorial Day vacation.

More Video Highlights, courtesy of Comedy Central’s Motherload

• Weiner Circle: America reclaims the hot dog-eating crown. Global reputation . . . restored!
• Democratic Debate: Although Stephen didn’t watch the Democratic Debate, he accurately reports the results.
• Rep. Jan Schakowsky: Stephen shows Jan Schakowsky exactly how much food three dollars can buy.
• Know a District — Illinois’ 9th: Stephen finally got to better know Rep. Jan Schakowsky.
• Leon Botstein: Leon Botstein offers higher education to prisoners including Scooter Libby.

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Related posts

• Episode 4070 (05/29/2008)
• Episode 4069 (05/28/2008)
• Episode 4067 (05/15/2008)
• Episode 4066 (5/14/08)