“Congratulations, person who won American Idol. I knew it! This is The Colbert Report!”

Timeline Keeps On Slippin’: “Tonight, the Democrats back down on a timetable for troop withdrawal, beating my timetable that they wouldn’t back down ’til June.”

  • Iraq Timetable

Mexican Standoff: “Plus, the House and Senate forge a compromise on immigration: The President gets what he wants, and everyone else can bite it.”

  • Immigration Threat: Leprosy
  • Bay Buchanan: Immigration Bill
  • Mini ThreatDown: Anthony Pellicano

A Current Affair: “And, author Bob Deans says the story of the James River is the story of America. I love the part where the river defeats the Nazis.”

  • Bob Deans – Author, The River Where America Began

Guest Plug: Bob Deans

Bay Buchanan, The Extreme Makeover of Hillary (Rodham) Clinton

In closing: Well, folks, that’s it for the Report. Before I go, I’d like to send out a special message to my viewers watching me in hi-def. You should know that we do not broadcast in hi-def, so you just blew two grand for nothing. Good night!


NOTABLE MOMENTS

  • Fantastic news out of Washington today. Nation, the Democrats backed down on the Iraq timetable. President Bush is back; hit it, Jimmy!
  • I thought we were gonna play, ah, “Back in Black” here. [pause] Yeah, I know Lewis Black uses that on The Daily Show; Jon said we couldn’t use it? [pause] Does he know I *specifically* requested it? [pause] He does? [pause] Did you tell him I would not take ‘No’ for an answer? [pause] The answer is still ‘No’? [pause] Ah, what can we use?
  • “Froggie Went A-Courtin’” [Editor's note: Instantly reminded me of this interview with Neil Young. Hee!]
  • I love Burl Ives. Nothing fires up a crowd, like Burl Ives.
  • That’s right, Bush is the froggie, and he is courtin’ the *crap* out of the Democrats!
  • Yesterday, they removed a timeline from their troop funding bill, because last time they tried it, the President laid the veto smack down hard. They knew he’d do it again, so they ‘cut and run’ from their ‘cut and running.’ Oh, that is rich.
  • And you know what? I do not blame you, Dems. After all, if you keep sending the President bills that provide the troops the funding they need, with timelines, the President’s going to keep vetoing the bills providing the troops the funding they need — because of the timeline. Then *you* would be responsible for denying the troops the funding they need! Not the President. He has proven that he will *fight* to give the troops everything they need, other than a timeline.
  • And, Democrats, please, don’t feel bad. After all, you did give the President a timeline for pulling out of Iraq. ‘Never’ is still a time. It’s just a very long time.
  • . . . Over here? Is where Harry Reid is? Oh, those Democrats are slippery!
  • Moving on. Folks, when you want the straight . . . [Stephen turns to a new camera, the feed switches a few seconds late] Thanks for joining me. When you want the straight dope about what’s going on with our broken borders, a little Dobbs will do ya.
  • Jimmy, show us the big threat from Mexicans. [60 Minutes clip: "Leprosy. In this country."]
  • Leprosy! Yes! Mexicans have it. Seven thousand cases in three years. Sure, the Department of Health and Human Services says it’s actually over *thirty* years and nobody knows how many cases were from immigrants, but as Lou Dobbs says: [clip of Lou Dobbs on 60 Minutes] “If we reported it, it’s a fact.”
  • So, go ahead and say he’s drawing specious conclusions to incite anti-immigrant sentiment. Specious conclusions are still conclusions. Check-mate.
  • Which reminds me, bubonic plague has hit the squirrel population in Denver. You know who else is in Denver? Mexicans. You see the connection? If I insinuate one, it’s a fact.
  • Jimmy, can we have some bubonic plague music? Something really terrifying?
  • “Froggie Went A-Courtin’” – hee!
  • Speaking of immigration, folks, everyone’s talking about this new immigration bill, and I – I think it is just a mess. Look at this thing [drops a couple reams' worth of paper on his desk]. Do they get paid by the pound? If they let me write this thing, here’s what it would have looked like: “GET OUT”
  • This bill gives illegal immigrants a pathway to citizenship. It’s like punishing the Hamburglar by giving him a Happy Meal.
  • Now yesterday, the ‘leper-lovers’ in Congress tabled the debate on this bill for a few weeks, but there is no table big enough for my rage. I skimmed this very carefully, and I didn’t see one mention of a flaming moat filled with fire-proof crocodiles.
  • Now anybody with a Ph.D. can salsa across over the border to steal our construction jobs!
  • [Stephen and Bay Buchanan discuss her book on Hillary Rodham Clinton]
  • Let’s get to the nut meat here, okay? Where did my moat full of crocodiles go, Bay? Why are we not protecting the border?
  • Well, I understand the cheap labor thing, because I – I have to tell you, this thousand-page bill right here? I haven’t had a chance to read it, but I *am* gonna hire a Mexican to read it for me.
  • ENGLISH NUMBER ONE! ENGLISH NUMBER ONE! ENGLISH NUMBER ONE! Traditionally, you’re supposed to chant along with me. That’s what mobs do.
  • Okay, Nation, after I finished last night’s ThreatDown, you may have been worried by the lack of nationwide blind panic. Well, there’s a reason for that: um, there were only four threats instead of the customary five last night. I skipped threat number three, for personal reasons. But I have slept on it and prayed on it and I have decided that it’s my duty to alarm you anew — with a MiniThreatDown!
  • Threat number three: Anthony Pellicano, former P.I. to the stars!
  • Now I skipped this threat last night because — in the interest of full disclosure — I left Pellicano a few voice mails back in the late nineties. Ancient history, but, just to show that I have nothing to be ashamed of, or incarcerated for, I’m going to play them now.
    • [Recorded June 2, 1999] Pellicano: “This is Pellicano. Spill it.” Stephen: “Tony. Colbert. This is it. I had a great report on Bigfoot, and Jon bumped it from the show because he says twelve minutes is too long. I cannot *handle* it any more. I want him taken *out*. Do you hear me? Take! Him! Out!”
    • [Recorded June 3, 1999] “Hey, uh, it’s – it’s Colbert again. Listen, ah . . . boy, hoo, I was really angry when I called you last night, um . . . Look, I spoke a little hastily, so, ah, please do not — if you haven’t already — uh, take Jon out. Thanks! – sorry.”
    • [Recorded June 4, 1999] “Stewart thinks he’s so high and mighty; he doesn’t have to say ‘hi’ to me in the halls? You take him down a peg! Permanently! Do you catch my drift?”
    • [Recorded June 5, 1999] “Hey, um . . . it’s Stephen. Oh boy, I am sorry, I was pretty drunk last night. Look, um . . . just for safety’s sake, let’s have a code word. If I say . . . the word, ‘buffalo’? That means I’m serious, but if not, it means I’m just angry or drunk or something, but I, I don’t really want you to hurt Jon. Okay? Thanks. Bye.”
    • [Recorded June 6, 1999] “BUFFALO! BUFFALO, BUFFALO, BUFFALO!”
    • [Recorded June 7, 1999] “Hey. Hi, Tony, listen – we need to come up with a new code word, um . . . ” [BEEP]
  • So folks, there you have it . . . I never used Anthony Pellicano to dig up personal dirt on Jon Stewart to blackmail him. Because if I had, why would Jon have given me my own show? Though if I should die in a suspicious or untimely fashion, open this envelope. ["PRIVATE DO NOT OPEN"] It will explain everything.
  • If you missed graduating by two credits, this interview *might* put you over the top.
  • Then how come the bastards with the buckles get all the ink?! Nobody, nobody thinks, ‘oh, America — Jamestown.’ They think, ‘Pilgrims,’ and they draw little turkeys every year, with one of those little black hats on . . .
  • Is it because this is a *Southern* colony, and the New England liberals want us to think America began up there? . . . Yeah, ’cause it’s so close to Harvard.
  • So they were coming here looking for Aztec gold, something like that? But this is ‘Pocahontas’ area, right? . . . When did they go from ‘animation’ to ‘live action’?
  • Holy cow. Why isn’t she on our money?
  • So, church and state were not separated? . . . That’s a myth . . . Before the Pilgrims ever got here, we already had democracy in America? . . . Okay, all right, another smackdown for the guys in the hats.
  • The thing is . . . you’re saying that it was not efficient enough . . . to make the decisions for the business in London, because by the time the decisions got over here, things would have changed, so they *had* to have democracy here to be efficient enough. I’ve always said that: The free market, leads to democracy. That’s a truism . . . no, I said that’s a truism.
  • Deans: But it wasn’t ‘democracy’ as we would recognize it; I mean, after all, only some people’s votes got counted, uh, there was martial law, there was torture, and, uh, the Royal Governor ruled with fear . . .
    • Stephen: We wouldn’t recognize that?
    • Deans: Not in America.
    • Stephen: [laughing] No, no.
    • Deans: And, and the Royal Governor ruled with fear, intimidation and the political assassination of his critics; that’s not democracy in America.
    • Stephen: [still laughing] No. Not anymore. Not anymore. Would that it were.
Fangirl Suit Report: Black suit (black on black stripes), white shirt with barrel cuffs. Gold and bronze tie with variegated paisley(?) pattern.

MiniThreatDown – Pellicano! Stephen has nothing to hide. Messages from Anthony Pellicano’s answering maching prove it.

More Video Highlights, courtesy of Comedy Central’s Motherload

  • Timeline Keeps On Slippin’: Dems back down on the timetable. Beating Stephen’s timetable that they wouldn’t back down ’til June.
  • Bush is Back!: Bush is the froggie and he’s a-courtin’ the crap out of the Democrats.
  • Bay Buchanan: Bay Buchanan tells Stephen that his idea of a crocodile moat border was too messy.
  • Bob Deans: Bob Deans destroys the myth that this country was started by the Pilgrims.

Related posts