Episode 3065 (05/14/2007)

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“Happy belated Mother’s Day! This is The Colbert Report!“

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The Blair Down There: “Tonight! British Prime Minister Tony Blair steps down. I wonder who President Bush will appoint in his place.”

The WØRD: Supporting Role

Marlboro Ban: “Then, the MPAA cracks down on smoking in movies. So how will viewers know who the cool guy is?”

• Tip/Wag
• Wag – Former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney
• Tip – The Boston Pops
• Wag – USADA (United States Anti-Doping Agency)
• Wag – The Motion Picture Association of America

Atom Bomb: “Plus, my guest William Langewiesche says all nations will eventually have nuclear weapons. I’m fine as long as we start with the Colbert Nation.”

• William Langewiesche: Author, The Atomic Bazaar

Guest Plug:

In closing: Adds a “moldering stovepipe hat” to the shelf.

• “Oh hi! I thought you were an angry caretaker. Nation, there’s a book out called, Stealing Lincoln’s Body which chronicles a failed 1876 plot to steal the President’s remains from his tomb in Springfield, IL. Apparently the plan was to swipe Abe’s coffin, put it in a wagon, haul it 200 miles north, then hold it for a hefty ransom. Naturally, the plan did not work. Here’s what they did wrong: You’re gonna wanna start digging underneath the old State Capitol Building; the ground is soft, and the night guardsmen are easily distracted. From there, tunnel north about one and a half miles to Oak Ridge Cemetery. Be sure not to tunnel too far, or you’ll run into a Wendy’s on N. 2nd St. Then you’ll be in ‘Biggie’ trouble. Now Lincoln’s tomb is made entirely out of quincy granite so you’re gonna have to dynamite; bring earplugs. Once in, drag Abe’s coffin into your tunnel and haul it back to the Capitol using a system of pulleys and levers you set up along the way. Back home, hoist the coffin into a moving van and slowly drive it to your safehouse. Or so I’m guessing. I urge you not to try this because it is *illegal*. And to remind everyone not to rob Lincoln’s grave, I place this moldering stovepipe hat on my bookshelf. Besides — who knows if Abe’s even still down there? That’s it for the Report. Goodnight everybody.”

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NOTABLE MOMENTS

• I gotta get something off my chest, here. This is really burning me up. I got a call last night, you know that call you dread: It was my Ferrari dealer.
• Anyway, I’ve got an order in on a sweet new lime green 599 Gran Turismo Berlinetta Fiorano – look at her! Six hundred and twenty horsepower, V12, zero-to-sixty in 3.7 seconds, capable of 205/mph on the open road, PLUS — little Jesus fish on the bumper. Platinum! Cost me sixty grand, but that’s what Jesus would want.
• That’s right, Nation, the *Chinese* can afford Ferraris! Just more evidence that they are overcharging us for tube socks. A dollar ninety-nine a dozen?! Who do I look like, Zhū Dì, fifteenth-century emperor of the Ming Dynasty?
• Anyhow, I have a high school reunion coming up, and I can’t go in my ratty old 550 with four thousand miles on it. I’ll look like a loser!
• I may be way down on the new Ferrari waiting list, but I am next in line for donor kidney. Now, I don’t need a new kidney but I signed up because I figured other people do and they might have something I want.
• So, if you’re a super rich motorhead with renal failure, I’ll trade you MY spot on the kidney list for YOUR spot on the Ferrari list. Maybe you just want a kidney upgrade, maybe you just collect kidneys; I don’t care! Call. We’ll work something out.
• But act fast; a kidney could become available any day now. Maybe a donor is out walking around, not paying attention, gets hit by an older model Ferrari 550. Suddenly, it’s our lucky day — say the word.
• Last week, Tony Blair announced that he will step down as U.K. Prime Minister in June. Seems arbitrary, but that’s the British parliamentary system for you. I guess instead of term limits, you just retire whenever Merlin tells you to. Could be Dumbledore. Fine line.
• Tony Blair didn’t lead Britain into Iraq. George Bush led America into Iraq, and Tony Blair followed Bush’s lead [Tony, Hawk].
• Blair’s most valuable contribution was providing niche marketing. You see, President Bush brought in the NASCAR fans, the real patriots who he knew would support the war [Can Watch Things Go In Circles Forever]. But folks, he needed he needed someone to hook in the latte-sipping, crossword puzzle crowd [1-Across: Iraq Like ____nam], and Tony Blair, Tony Blair had what you call ‘credibility’ [What He Used To Call "Approval Rating"].
• Now, when George W. Bush took office, Tony Blair had already been Prime Minister for three years, and had a close working relationship with Bill Clinton [Unlike Hillary].
• So, when Blair endorsed the war, many saw it as a surrogate thumbs-up from Clinton’s meaty hand [Regardless of Where Hand Actually Was].
• You see, the President . . . does not have time for elegant turns of phrase; not while there’s brush to clear. But there’s no denying Prime Minister Blair’s wordsmithery was catnip to the Public Radio crowd [Totebag Diplomacy].
• And finally, folks, there was that accent. British, distinguished, almost English. It made the war seem classy [Used Special Little Pre-Emption Fork].
• And now that Blair is stepping down, we’re gonna have to re-cast the role. Blair has endorsed Chancellor of the Exchequer Gordon Brown. Really? The ‘Ex-chequer’? If he’s so good, why isn’t he still ‘chequer’?
• We need someone as charismatic as Blair in that part; I nominate Sir Ian McKellan. Classically trained, photogenic, and who wouldn’t rally to a call like this?
• *LOTR shout-out!* [clip of Sir Ian as Gandalf, "Prepare for battle!"]
• The most important thing is, that accent makes him seem smart. And the President needs someone to make the war seem smart again [False Intelligence].
• There’s an old legal dictum that is the foundation of our legal system: Innocent until proven Tip of the Hat/Wag of the Finger!
• Now I’ve got nothing against Mormons; in my view, all religions are equal in that they’re tied for second after Catholicism.
• Romney: Polygamy, which was outlawed in our church in the eighteen hundreds; that’s troubling to me. I can’t imagine anything more awful than polygamy.
  Colbert: Really?! You can’t imagine *anything* more awful than multiple wives? What if one of those wives was a Minotaur? What if it was *gay* polygamy and they’re all dudes? Or what if they were gay Minotaurs? Mr. Romney, Presidents can’t have a failure of imagination. I imagine gay Minotaurs all the time. Get out!
• Point is, you should not apologize for your religion. You don’t see me apologizing for what Catholics did in the past. The Crusades, the Inquisition, guitar Mass?! . . . An atrocity? Yes. But our atrocity; own it!
• Now, usually, I’m not a fan of the classical music. Why should it take fifty people to do what I can do on my Casio? With one finger?
• It’s like an episode of Jerry Springer set to Mozart!
• During “The Flight of the Bumblebee” why not release *actual* bees? Not a doctored picture
• Back off my boy Lance! Friend of the show. You mess with him, you mess with his best friend, Matthew McConaughey. And if you go after McConaughey, you have to go through me first. And guys, I *will* give you a urine sample, but it ain’t gonna be in a cup.
• *Stephen is smokin’!*
• Johnny Smokez and the Menthol Mysteries
• God started it; he came to Oppenheimer in a dream and said, “This is how you will save your nation.” We’re just obeying His will.
• Do you really want to see the Republican Army with atomic bicycles?
• No, practical politicians wear ties, sir. Thought I’d point out that, ah, you seem rather, ah, rather Iranian yourself right now. Not sure whether I should believe anything you’re saying.
• Colbert: What about al Qaeda? What about non-states getting these nuclear weapons. Shouldn’t we be terrified about them?
  Langewiesche: That is . . . more of a problem.
  Colbert: So you agree that we should live in fear?
  Langewiesche: I think we should live, to some degree, in fear; that’s right.
  Colbert: Right, a little fear is a good thing, so a lot of fear is a *great* thing.
• Are you saying we need to develop bombs that destroy knowledge? Or did I just blow your mind?
• It’s like a neutron bomb, but for thought.
• How do you sleep at night? . . . Quite well? . . . All right, then I want five dollars of . . . whatever prescription you’re on.

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Fangirl Suit Report: Black suit (subtle pinstripe), light blue shirt with single button barrel cuffs. Red tie with goldenrod pattern.

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Supporting Role: Stephen nominates Sir Ian McKellan to replace Tony Blair. [Seriously, I just loved the Gandalf reference.]

More Video Highlights, courtesy of Comedy Central’s MotherLoad.

• Dateline: Stephen asks, what host of an alleged news show cries himself to sleep every night?
• The Blair Down There: Prime Minister Tony Blair steps down. Who will President Bush appoint to take his place?
• Kidney for Ferrari: Stephen offers his place on the kidney transplant wait list to someone on the Ferrari wait list.
• Tip/Wag – Polygamy: Stephen tells Mitt Romney that you should never apologize for your religion.
• William Langewiesche: William Langewiesche thinks Washington, D.C., should be nominated as part of the Axis of Evil.
• Stealing Lincoln’s Body: Stephen explains what Lincoln’s would-be grave robbers did wrong.