Episode 3064 (05/10/2007)

“This show is an acquired taste. If you don’t like it, acquire some taste. This is The Colbert Report!

Hocus Bogus: Japanese magicians sue TV stations for revealing their secrets. It’s the first time my Google search for ‘Asian tricks’ turned up a news story.

  • Stephen Colbert in the New York Times Crossword.
  • Neil de Grasse Tyson in Time 100 for 2007.
  • Rain at Number 1 for Time’s reader’s choice.
  • Stephen’s Korean music video
  • Japanese magicians

The Wørd: Illusion

America City, USA: I profile one of America’s best cities. I’ll give you a hint – it’s Naperville, Illinois.

  • Hometown Hero Town – Naperville, IL
  • The In Box

Jann Solo: I sit down with Rolling Stone Magazine founder Jann Wenner in an interview critics are already calling “better than Pet Sounds.”

  • Jann Wenner, Founder and Editor-in-Chief – Rolling Stone Magazine which is celebrating it’s 40th anniversary.

In closing: I am putting a DVD of this show in a time capsule to be opened in 100 years. Oh – someone keep a working DVD player in your family until the year 2107. Thanks.

Official Rain USA Fansite (where Stephen got the “Endless Effort, Endless Endurance, Endless Modesty” graphic)


  • Nation, it is so rare that the liberal media takes notice of my huge cultural impact. That’s why this week I was so pleased when my building’s doorman Jerry showed me this hint in last Saturday’s New York Time‘s crossword puzzle.
  • Hmmm. First word seven letters. Second word seven letters. Philip Seymour Hoffman. Easy, right? But no – Jerry said the answer was actually me, Stephen Colbert.
  • Across the top. I have arrived.
  • Now normally I don’t like appearing in these high falutin crossword puzzles. I normally only license my likeness for kid’s menus at seafood restaurants.
  • “Help Stephen find the fried shrimp in Davey Jones’ locker!”
  • That hint did remind me that my reign as one of Time’s 100 most influential people is over.
  • This year I decided to pass my torch of influence on to my favorite astrophysicist Neal deGrasse Tyson.
  • Neil’s been on the report 3 times – that’s the Colbert Bump to the 3rd power – CB-cubed.
  • Neil, you can name a planet after me any day now. I’m just disappointed I had to ask.
  • But the big story here is the message sent by you, the Nation.
  • Time asked its readers to select its own list of 100 most influential people in the world and I’m right at the top at number.. 2?!? What?
  • It can’t be – my old nemesis 24 year old Korean R&B pop sensation Rain! Raaaaaaaain!!!
  • I’ve battled this guy on the Korean pop charts for years. He’s always got the best of me.
  • …this Kid Jong Il…
  • According to Rain’s website, his motto is ‘Endless effort, endless endurance, endless modesty.
  • My motto is ‘Infinite Modesty’ and buddy, I will carve that on the face of the moon.
  • These people know how modest I am.
  • Rain, it is time to rein you in. I’ve got my own Korean R&B video and this thing is going to seep…. feel it, feel it. This room is electric. This room is soaked with gasoline and I’m gonna light it up. Jimmy, drop the needle.
  • [Transcription of the video]
    • [spoken] Girl, I gonna give this song to you, and the Time 100.
    • [spoken] Girl, I love you so much. My feelings can only be expressed in Korean
    • [Stephen singing in Korean – Subtitles:]
    • You know you’re my girl
    • So get into my Hyundai
    • You know you’re my girl
    • We can eat some Kim Chi.
    • We can get together
    • Like Hawkeye and Hot Lips.
    • [Back up singers] He’s singin’ in Korean. He’s singin’ in Korean.
    • He’s singin’ in Korean. He’s singin’… in Korean!!!!!
    • [Stephen singing in Korean – Subtitles:]
    • And then…
    • we’ll do something else…
    • What else is Korean?
    • [Back up singers] He’s singin’ in Korean. He’s singin’ in Korean.
    • He’s singin’ in Korean. He’s singin’… in Korean!!!!!
  • Rain, I’m gonna be all over you like egg on a bowl of bi-bim-bop.
  • The magicians are now attempting the ultimate coin trick – pulling 1.9 million Yen out of a Japanese courtroom.
  • If a magician looses his secrets, he starves. He has no other skills. [See: David Blaine]
  • I still remember my 8th birthday party. My parents hired ‘Presto, the Magician Clown.’ He was wonderful. Quick with the joke and even quicker with the string of colored handkerchiefs. [Trivia: Had B.A. In Art History]
  • But then my friend, Mikey Lipman, started telling us how all of these tricks were done because his parents gave him a magic book for Hanukah. [Still Couldn’t Turn Hanukah Into Christmas]
  • All of a sudden, in my eyes, Presto went from a miracle worker to a conman. I refused to be his assistant, the kids started taunting, the magician got rattled and long-story-short, a rabbit was trampled. [Better Than Lifetime In Hat]
  • Everyone needs a sense of wonder and surprise. That’s why Americans don’t learn geography. It’s so wonderful everytime we discover that New Mexico is actually ours.
  • Whenever someone trys to reveal how something is done we need to resist the impulse to understand the mystery. [“Raise Your Hand If You Don’t Believe In Evolution”]
  • Take the Democrats in Congress. They’re a real pack of Mikey Lipmans, constantly trying to force President Bush to reveal secrets. Who was on the Energy Task Force? Are we torturing people? [Ask Again & Find Out] How did you make those US Attorneys disappear? [Along With Gonzales’ Memory]
  • They’re missing the point entirely. The point is, the most secret administration in history is the Bush administration and that’s what makes the last six years so magical. [Sawed U.S. In Half]
  • Congress is doing it again in what could be the President’s most miraculous performance of all – pulling victory out of Iraq’s hat.
  • With their war funding demands the Democrats are saying that before they pay the magician they want to know how the trick is done and how long is it going to take. You know what? The audience has a part to play too. They have to suspend their disbelief and want the trick to work.
  • So, I hope these Japanese magicians set a precedent with their lawsuit, because those of us who believe in magic would like to see the Conjurer in Chief get his coins from Congress and pull off this trick.
  • A local company in Naperville has launched a tow truck service which will haul both you and your car home if you are too drunk to drive and you don’t want to leave your car at the bar.
  • I wish I had a nickel for every time I took a cab home because I was too drunk to drive and then couldn’t remember where I parked the next day and wound up having to buy a new car. Actually, I wish I had $50,000 for every time I did that.
  • The cost of the tow is 85 bucks – but it’s only 65 if you make a reservation. Finally, folks, you can schedule your incapacitation.
  • Thank you, Naperville. It is so rare to be able to promote road safety and binge drinking at the same time.
  • From time to time I like to respond to those who disagree with me, just to prove I can take criticism. And I can. Whoever said I can’t is wrong and I want him dead.
  • First letter from Pete S. of Lancing Michigan – “Dear Stephen, ”
  • Who gave you the permission to call me Stephen. I don’t know you, Pete S., if that even is your real last initial. Address me as either Mr. Colbert or Doctor Colbert. Sorry, no answer.
  • “Dear ‘Doctor’ Colbert, (That’s better.) I’m concerned about your “Cheating Death” health segment. It’s grossly irresponsible for you to pose as a medical professional. You shold be ashamed. Dr. Jonas B. Greenwich, CT”
  • Wow, Dr. B. I thought doctors like you and me took an oath to do no harm. Well, you harmed me, in here. Because if I’m not a doctor, why do I have this honorary doctorate of fine arts? And more to the point, if I’m not a doctor where did I get this appendix?
  • “Dear Mr. Colbert,” Hold on folks. I’m a man of the people. Call me Stephen.
  • “Dear Stephen, Oprah grabbed headlines for endorsing Barack Obama in 2008. Isthere anyone you’d like to declare your support for? Former Mayor Rudy G. New York NY.”
  • Well, Rudy, it’s still too early for me to pick a favorite. I do not want to get burned like I did in 2000 when I threw my endorsement behind Ginger Spice. I was sure her solo album ‘Scizophonic’ was a trial balloon for a presidential run. My mistake.
  • “Dear Stephen, Recently you made several references to “God’s pet chimp” who you called “Beppo.” I believe you may be confusing God with Superman, who “DID” own a chimp with superpowers named Beppo. Introduced in “Superboy,” issue #76. Kevin T. Bristol VT”
  • Kevin, are you questioning me on my knowledge of scripture? I’ve read the entire ‘Left Behind’ series twice. Now sure, you won’t find specific references to God’s monkey in the Bible but you hear plenty about the ‘lamb of God’ so it’s reasonable to believe there would also be a chimp of God.
  • If you get your jollies out of attacking people on their personal religious beliefs, you go right ahead.
  • “Dear Stephen, I don’t understand why before this next commercial break, you say, “Don’t worry, Rebecca. It happens all the time.” Rebecca R. Beloit, WI”
  • If you’re watching this show on a Tivo, you probably accidentally missed my response to this question. Don’t worry, Rebecca. It happens all the time.
  • You have a music media empire here. Can you help me crush Rain?
  • If I may paraphrase Starship – you built this magazine on rock ‘n’ roll, did you not?
  • What happened to the rock, Jann? One word – Foghat.
  • I’ve got umbrage right here. You have a list – 40 songs that changed the world – where’s the Southern Rock?
  • No Lynyrd Skynyrd. No Alman Brothers. No Molly Hatchet. No Little Foot. No 38 Special. No Southern fried riffs.
    [Editors Note: He did say ‘Little Foot’, but I assume he meant the incredible ‘Little Feat’]
  • Jann: “Someone’s gonna get fired. This is terrible. This is really terrible.
  • Why do I want to listen to musicians talk about politics? They don’t wear suits like I do.
  • They speak purely metaphorically. They’re poets – who wants to, I don’t want to get political advice from Maya Angalou, either. Do you?
  • Jann: “I’d rather have Bono be President than Bush.” [Crowd has mixed reaction]
    Stephen: “See how angry they are at you right now. They’re so angry right now.”
    Jann: “How about Bob Dylan instead of Bush?” [Crowd cheers]
  • Stephen: “Do any of the profits from this magazine go towards abstinence education for our teens? To try to reverse some of the damage you did?”
    Jann: “Every dime goes into drug re-hab.”
    Stephen: “You’re personal drug re-hab?”
    Jann: “Exactly”
  • 41’s a prime number. It would have been even better. Did you think about that? You should do just the primes.
  • *Note to Stephen: 43’s the next prime number. Then 47 and 53.*
  • I have to choose between a big house and world peace? Well, if I don’t get the world peace I need a gated community.
  • I’ve got one of those [a bomb shelter] – it’s pyramid shaped.
  • Stephen: “What’s the number one band, forty years from now?”
    Jann: “Foghat, probably.”

Fangirl Suit Report: Light gray pinstripe suit. Light blue shirt with mitered cuffs. Peach tie with burgundy square dot pattern.

Video! As the “He’s Singin’ in Korean” video has already been embedded on our site, just below in anticipation of this delayed episode guide, I’ve included the toss from ‘The Daily Show’ where Jon has some questions for Stephen about Jane Fonda.

The Toss – Fonda: Steven is reluctant to talk about last night’s interview with Jane Fonda.

More Video Highlights, courtesy of Comedy Central’s MotherLoad.

  • Hocus Bogus:Japanese magicians sue TV stations. First time googling ‘Asian Tricks’ turns up news items.
  • He’s Singin’ in Korean: To prove he’s more influential than Korean pop star Rain, Stephen made his own Korean pop video.
  • Illusion: When someone reveals how things are done, we must resist the impulse to understand the mystery.
  • Hometown – Naperville, IL: In Naperville, if your too drunk to drive you can get your car towed to your house.
  • The In Box – Dr. Colbert: Dr. B accuses Stephen of being irresponsible by posing as a medical professional.
  • Jann Wenner: Jann Wenner, founder of ‘Rolling Stone’, predicts that Foghat will be hot in 40 years.


  1. Don’t worry if you don’t get it up super quick. For those of you not aware, Jennie lives in ITALY and does her Episode Guides from bittorent CC Motherload videos. Talk about dedication! You still get yours up quicker than I do on many of my days. :)

  2. Jennie, you live in Italy? How cool! I lived in Florence for a summer and I want to go back and live there for the rest of my life.

    Anyway, I was at an REO Speedwagon concert the other night and a member of the opening band used to be part of 38 special so they played a bunch of their songs which was a nice surprise! I couldn’t believe it when Stephen mentioned them.

  3. Way to handle the “bi bim bop” reference, Jennie! I edit a lot of cookbooks, or I wouldn’t have known what that was!

  4. Not sure where to post this, but it just occurred to me that Stephen “did it again,” converting a loss/failure into a win with his Korean music video, just like when he lost to Barry Manilow but got so much mileage out of it, ending in that great duet, which we never would have gotten if he’d just won the Emmy. How much more fun was the Korean video than if he had just won the poll and done a “Who’s Honoring Me Now?” segment?

    (In fact – maybe we shouldn’t even be trying to make him win every poll, since he does such great things with losing … no no no, that’s sacrilegious!)


    About the toss–I love his wave goodbye. It’s so adorkable!

  6. barenjager says:

    The toss is brilliant.

    How hard is it to get Fonda out of suitpants?

    So perfect.

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