“Happy second anniversary Pope Benedict. You’ll always be Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger to me. This is The Colbert Report!”

Capitol Steps: “Congress is considering adding two new seats. Who will get the no-bid contract to install them in the House?”

  • Video of new interview with Eleanor Holmes Norton

The Word: Act Globally

War on Terra: “Is George Bush’s plan to fight global warming working? Does a bear *expletive* in a deforested plain?”

  • Sheryl Crow’s comment on toilet paper
  • Alpha Dog of the Week

Into the Weil: “I sit down with new age health guru Andrew Weil. Let’s see if there’s a holistic cure for ‘nailing.’”

Guest plug:

In Closing (Bookshelf item – Captain Lead): “Yes, to my friends, Captain Lead was just a 40 pound bar of lead, but to me he was a pal. Sometimes I would just sit there and lick him. So here’s to you Captain Lead, and all my childhood toys. Admiral Dry Cleaning Bag. General Light Socket. And Lieutenant Fluffy, my wad of asbestos. *places Captain Lead onto shelf* That’s going to tear the shelf off! That’s it for the Report, everybody. Good night.”

NOTABLE MOMENTS

  • Here’s Yelstin hugging a tree, dancing with some leggy dames, and chugging beer out of a goblet the size a human head.
  • Now I’m all for giving Utah all the votes they want. Multiple votes makes up for taking away their multiple wives.
  • from clip – Rep. Norton: Which part of France are you from? SC: Your Momma’s part, congresswoman!
  • Shame on you Eleanor Holmes Norton, for presuming that your constituents deserve a vote just because they pay taxes! Do you not remember the battle cry of our Founding Fathers? “Taxation WITHOUT Representation?” That is, I believe, what they fought and died for.
  • Utah is a state, and YOU are not part of the United States. United States, not the United Districts of Columbia. Why don’t you just give a vote to the Mariana Islands, or Guam?
  • Can you imagine what she’d be like if her opinions counted? NO VOTE FOR DC!
  • The president doesn’t pay attention to polls. (Specifically, the North and South poles)
  • Does anyone remember the government’s slow response to Hurricance Katrina? (Just Kanye West)
  • Bullet Point: Fear is a Renewable Resource
  • He may not be solving global warming entirely, but thanks to Bush, America is getting a chillier reception around the world.
  • It’s like in the book The Secret. If you report good things, you will attract good things. Good things like the Russian government not shutting you down and pushing your reporters out a window.
  • If Russia adopts a 50% good news policy, America must adapt to a 60% good news policy!
  • Like my friendly friends over at Fox and Friends. When I’m watching them I feel like I’m watching a Disney movie about the news. And it is not just because the brown-haired guy who isn’t Steve Dusey looks a lot like Dale.
  • This is why when I go golfing with brown-haired guy, I wear one of those Otto von Bismarck hat.
  • It could be the turning point in the War in Iraq. That is why I promise to give you up to the minute remarks about Spider-Man 3.
  • Alpha Dog of the Week: Uncle Ben.
  • Oh Uncle Ben, your sense of humor is just as sharp as a real corporate CEO’s.
  • Now that you’re a rich big shot, you’re going to need your own private chef. I recommend the Cream of Wheat guy.
  • Congratulations for breaking through that Jemima ceiling! Today, a chairmanship. Tommorrow, who knows. A last name?
  • My guest tonight is a famed practitioner of New Age medicine. So was my coach – he told me to “walk it off.”
  • We met earlier at the Time 100, as we are both two of the most influential people in the WORLD.
  • Does conventional medicine reject YOU, sir?
  • Did you know that there are more nerve endings in your gut than in your brain?
  • Why can’t I get that guy on. Because he doesn’t have a beard? Then to hell with him. I want all my doctors to look like Hemingway.
  • If you got gored by a bull, what would you do? Would you rub herbs into it, or just yell “SUTURES, SUTURES PLEASE?”
  • *Stephen pulls out Kevin Trudeau’s book “Natural Cures.”* Oh I’m sorry! That’s the wrong guy.
  • Well, the universe hasn’t dealt with me yet.
  • You don’t wave a wand, do you?
  • So you deal with people so sick that they’ve forgotten how to breathe? That is far gone, my friend.
  • Does anger help, because I use RAGE as a cure.
  • Now I have never seen you and Dr. Phil in the same room. Is there any chance that you’re Phil with a beard?
  • What do you think of House MD? Ever seen that show? That’s alternative medicine, because he does not play by the rules.
Tasteful Gentleman Suit Report: Black suit with pinstripes. Off-white shirt with white button cuffs. Tie striped with steel blue, dark sapphire blue, and silver.


Capitol Steps: Congress may install two new seats. Who will get the the no-bid contract to install them?

Bye-Bye to Boris: Thanks to the New York Post, Boris Yeltsin will always be remembered for chugging a giant beer.

No Vote For DC:

Act Globally: Bush may not be solving global warming, but America is getting a much chillier reception.

60% Good News: Russia adopts a 50% good news policy. Stephen urges us to report news sixty percent.

Alpha Dog: Uncle Ben: Uncle Ben has broken through the Jemima ceiling to become the CEO of his rice company.

Dr. Andrew Weil: Stephen agrees with Dr. Weil about the mind body connection because he thinks with his gut.

Captain Lead: Stephen adds his favorite childhood toy to the shelf.

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