“The weather’s warmed up and I’m showing some skin. This is The Colbert Report!“
Looking For Mr. Right: Tonight! Conservatives want a fresh new face. As long as it looks just like the old face.
- Stephanie Colburtle the Leatherback Turtle
- Gov. Mike Huckabee
Crow Pas: And Sheryl Crow confronts Karl Rove. I’m gonna tell her off until the sun comes up over Santa Monica Boulevard.
- ThreatDown
- 5) Ségolène Royal
4) MySpace
3) Zeppelins
2) Sheryl Crow
1) Bears!
I Am Become Def: Plus, Def Jam’s Russell Simmons is here. Wait ’til he meets this sucker MC! ‘Sucker MC’ is a good thing, right?
Guest Plug: The Green Initiative and the Diamond Empowerment Fund
In closing: That’s it for the Report. Remember, folks, if you’d like to participate in a Colbert Nation online discussion group, your parents would like you to move out of their basement. Goodnight.
NOTABLE MOMENTS
- As you know, last week, I advised Attorney General Alberto Gonzales to eat lead paint and hit himself in the head with a wrench, before his Senate Judiciary hearing so he’d forget everything he knew. Well evidently he followed my advice, saying seventy-one times he couldn’t remember details about the U.S. Attorney firings. Of course, he only remembers saying it once.
- The President’s right. Answering any more honestly would have been a HUGE mistake.
- *CHARACTER BREAKS!*
- I think they were applauding me unbuttoning.
- Luckily, there were some out there who did Earth Day right. In the South Pacific, heroes aboard the passenger ship Santa Cruz spent Earth Day cheering on my adopted daughter, Stephanie Colburtle the Leatherback Turtle.
- Stephanie is in first place!
- Election Day is only nineteen months away, and I hate to say it, but there doesn’t seem to be a clear-cut winner yet. C’mon, media, it’s your job to preemptively annoint someone so we all know who to give our money to!
- There does seem to be a problem finding a standard-bearer for the traditional Republican message. Why don’t they just nominate that elephant? Everybody likes him.
- I like the sound of that. Have you ever thought about “Colbert/Huckabee ’08?”
- Does authenticity really matter all that much? I mean, if appearance is so important in politics, if the person APPEARS authentic, isn’t that enough? I mean, I don’t really think the President is a cowboy, but he SEEMS like a cowboy to me . . . But then, I’m the kind of guy who also enjoys artificial crab.
- What’s wrong with pandering? Because if a politician is willing to pander to ME, that just says to me, uh, me liking him is more important to him than the truth, and I find that very flattering.
- I’m no Commie, but I’d like to control her means of production. Snap out of it, Colbert!
- We all know French women are inherently sexy, with their smoking, and their trenchcoats, and their indifference to us while we were backpacking in Europe during the summer of 1986.
- It’s not enough that MySpace exposes our teens to explicit photos of child predators, now they’re corrupting our youth with journalism. It’s just a gateway drug; once they get a taste next thing you know, they’ll want to cite sources and experiment with fact-checking. Sorry, I don’t want to live in a world where the next Pulitzer Prize could go to a thirteen-year-old for her exposé, “OMG BRAD IS AMAZINGGG LOVE U :)”
- Hey, Crow, I don’t know what kind of diet you’re on, but Americans don’t measure their toilet paper in squares, we measure it in hectares.
- Ms. Crow, women are not to touch Karl Rove. I can see why you’d want to, the man oozes musk.
- Now a lot of critics have scoffed at my warnings about the “Ursine al Qaeda” . . .
- Still think I’m an idiot? Consider this: if bears are no longer endangered, that means they’re breeding.
- Be your own man! That’s the first law of success.
- People tell me I’m white and I believe them because I can’t say the “N” word, I have to say, “the ‘N’ word” instead. And I don’t want to say the “N” word . . .
- Is this an official invitation to a hip-hop summit?
- The book is, Do Yoooooou?!? . . . I had to cover all the bases, there.
Fangirl Suit Report: Black suit, grey/white pencil striped shirt with French cuffs. Red tie with light pattern.
Earth Day: Stephen is committed to conservation for exactly one day a year.
Looking for Mr. Right: Conservatives want a fresh new face. As long as it looks like the old face.
Gonzales Forgot: Alberto Gonzales took Stephen’s advice and forgot everything. This video expires: 05/24/2007
Stephanie’s Winning: Stephen’s adopted turtle, Stephanie, is currently leading the Great Turtle Race. Stay strong, baby! This video expires: 05/24/2007
Mike Huckabee: Former Governor for Arkansas, Mike Huckabee asks Stephen to be his running mate for 2008. This video expires: 05/24/2007
ThreatDown: MySpace. This video expires: 05/24/2007
Russell Simmons: Russell Simmons officially invites Stephen to the next Hip Hop Summit.
Great summary! Even with the accents on Segolene! (See, I’m too lazy to use them!)
Shout Out (Hey!):
0
Thanks, WWG. You know, the toughest thing to track down was that link to Simmons’s Green Initiative and the Diamond Empowerment Fund. You’d think they’d make it easier to find, all things considered.
I actually wasn’t wild about that interview. I think Simmons “gets” Stephen and was predisposed to like him, but the conversation never really got into a groove that worked for either man, IMO. I would have liked to have heard them get into a discussion about hip hop; I think Simmons (and Stephen!) would have had some interesting things to say, especially regarding things like Simmons’s wish that rappers and hip hop artists move away from using the “N” word, etc. I thought the conversation might turn that way when Stephen ad libbed that “N” word line, but they were running out of time in the interview by then.
Shout Out (Hey!):
0
“Stephen, you’re authentic, you’re a real conservative just like me.” He wins the Republican nomination for ‘getting it’.
Of course if we’ve learned anything, you can’t win a presidency on being TOO real…
Shout Out (Hey!):
0
@Ms.Interpreted–
I agree! That interview seemed kinda disjointed–especially when Simmons looked out into the audience and started addressing THEM instead of Stephen. I was thinking, “Who are you talkin’ to? You’re being interviewed here, not having a chat with your fans…” And two seconds later, Stephen said pretty much the same thing to bring Simmon’s focus back to him. Weird stuff. Yeah, that talk could have been more, but just didn’t click…
@TheLakeEffect–
I loved how Huckabee said that with such a twinkle in his eye! He *definitely* “gets it.”
I really enjoyed (perhaps a bit too much!) when Stephen mentioned the bizarre Crow/Rove exchange at the WHCD. “The man oozes musk…” And oh so many other things, but I’ll be polite… ;-p
Shout Out (Hey!):
0