Episode 3049 (04/16/2007)

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“Some parts of tonight’s show are void in Alaska and Hawaii. This is The Colbert Report!“

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Da Al G Show: “Alberto Gonzales prepares to testify before Congress. Unfortunately for him, he’s legalized a lot more ways of making him talk.”

• The Mope
• Colbert vs. Penn: Metaphor-Off!

The WØRD: Clean Slate

Casting a Paul: “World Bank President Paul Wolfowitz is criticized for giving his girlfriend a high-paying job. Like dating Paul Wolfowitz isn’t reward enough?

• Paulina Porizkova
• Alpha Dog of the Week: Paul Wolfowitz

Kerry, Nation: “Senator John Kerry is here to discuss his new book about the environment. Just what the environment needs: more books!”

Guest Plug: Senator John Kerry, Author – “This Moment On Earth”

In closing: “Well, that’s it for the Report, folks. And remember, immediately after the closing credits, tonight’s show will be available in the part of your brain that stores your fondest memories. Goodnight.”

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NOTABLE MOMENTS

• That would make him something like a Mormon Cardinal, or “Mardinal”.
• See, rather than retract my statement misidentifying Boyd K. Packer, I’m calling on the Mormon Church to issue a correction, by making Boyd K. Packer the Mope.
• That shouldn’t be a problem for you Mormons. If you can retroactively baptize George Washington, you can retroactively make me look right.
• Colbert vs. Penn: Metaphor-off!
• I drew a line in the sand, and he picked up the gauntlet. Soon we’ll find out who’s got the stones to bring home the bacon. This metaphor battle is at the starting gate, and I’m ready for liftoff.
• The internet “wolf pack” really chased that guy up a tree. Yeah, that’s another metaphor. Eat it, Penn! Eat it with a spoon! Another metaphor. They just pour out of me. That’s another metaphor!
• Alberto, this hearing is your chance to put all the suspicions to rest. If you play your cards right, you’ll come out smelling like a rose. [Two In One Sentence! Beat That, Penn!]
• Just tell them that in your experience, people say a lot of things they don’t mean [When They're Tortured].
• You can handle this, Alberto. Breathe. Drink some water. But drink it out of a lead-glazed mug. Then excuse yourself to the lobby, peel some paint chips from the walls and chow down. You need to get rid of all the evidence up here. Forget everything [Not Just The Constitution].
• Tell Lindsey Graham that “Lindsey” is a girl’s name [And Graham Is A "Cracker'].
• Look, Nation, I never ASKED to be a sex symbol. It just gets foisted on me. This year alone, I was named one of the sexiest men alive by People magazine AND I was on Maxim‘s list of the top ten “Sexiest News Anchors”.
• The Quarterly Journal of Economics: Stephen Colbert’s Supply Side: We’ll Show You What Trickles Down
• Wait, I’m sorry! Jimmy, I don’t know if I heard that SUPERMODEL correctly. Could you play just, just that last part again?
• Oh, um . . . ah, hi, uh, Paulina. Hey, uh, this is . . . ah, this is Stephen . . . Hawking. Stephen J. Hawking, the physicist. I-JUST-WANTED-TO-TELL-YOU-ABOUT-ATOMS-AND-OUTER-SPACE-GOODBYE.
• Call accountant, see if he can make me a diplomat by midnight tomorrow.
• My guest tonight is here to talk about his new book on environmentalism. I’ll tell him about my renewable source of energy: rage.
• Where do you come down on the environment: pro or con?
• Why can’t we just build huge dikes and dams along the coast of the United States and just ride this thing out until the next Ice Age?
• I’m not running for President. (Kerry: Well, maybe you ought to be. I don’t know.) Maybe. Let’s let the market decide. Let’s let the market decide and see if the contributions come rolling in.

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Fangirl Suit Report: Charcoal grey suit with white pinstripe, powder blue dress shirt with single-button barrel cuffs. Red silk tie with pattern of multicolored dots.

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Da Al G Show: Unfortunately, for Alberto Gonzales, he’s legalized a lot more ways of making him talk.

Mopeship: Rather than retract his statement about the Mope, Stephen has a better idea. This video expires: 05/17/2007

Announcing . . . The Metaphor-Off!: Stephen has extended a challenge . . . and Sean Penn has accepted! This video expires: 05/17/2007

Clean Slate: Alberto, go on a bender, pass out and wake up next to a pile of documents you don’t recognize. This video expires: 05/17/2007

Stephen is Hot: Paulina Porizkova says Stephen is hot.

Alpha Dog: Paul Wolfowitz: This week’s Alpha Dog is Paul Wolfowitz. Technically, that makes him the Alpha Wolf. This video expires: 05/17/2007

Sen. John Kerry: Former presidential candidate Sen. John Kerry joins the Report. [Editor's note: I thought it looked like Stephen was really enjoying that interview.]