Episode 3047 (4/11/07)

“The Colbert promise – if you don’t like this show, your money back! Cable fees not included. This is The Colbert Report!”

Coalition of the Shilling: Stephanie Colburtle the Turtle

The Wørd: Season Pass

Terrapin Nation: Anna Nicole Smith, Stephen Colbert’s Sport Report

Frankli Vali: Vali Nasr, Author – “The Shia Revival”

Guest Plug:

In closing: I’ll see you tomorrow. Well, not literally me, I have people who do that.

GreatTurtleRace.com – Watch Stephanie Colbertle the Turtle Race for the Galapagos. You can also sign up to get updates on the race and to “cheer on” Stephanie Colbertle.


  • We don’t even know if there will *be* a 2008 Presidential election. Something terrible could happen to the 22nd ammendment (crosses fingers).
  • Now, I’m a huge fan of shelled reptiles, as you are all aware from my 240-part series “Better Know a Terrapin”.
  • Stephanie Colburtle the Turtle
  • There’s my beautiful adopted daughter – Eat it, Angelina!
  • And of course, my beautiful human offspring, which the San Francisco Zoo will never get their hands on. Hide, children!
  • But next to an Eagle, a turtle is the perfect animal to represent me. It’s got a thick, inpenetrable shell that it can retreat into, and, when threatened, it will destroy Tokyo.
  • It’s not her fault, she’s just big shelled.
  • And she left nine egg nests on the beaches of Costa Rica. No surprise, considering her role model. Last month in the Bahamas, I left 10. Kinda sandy.
  • As Flava Flav, star of Flava of Love would say, Yeah BOOOOIY. That’s close to the inflection.
  • And just in case you’re wondering, yes, my Tivo has a ‘Colbert Report’ season pass. Actually, the #1 reason I bought the Tivo was this site, and Episode Guides.
  • I didn’t get this job because I won some stupid contest [Has “Candid” Pics of Jon Stewart]
  • This is just what I’ve been waiting for – a war my kids could watch [Lindsay v. Paris Too Horrific].
  • Oh look at him! He is a bulldog and he is on a skateboard! Adorable.
  • But people line up around the block to volunteer for “American Idol.” Just imagine if we gave those people guns! [Simon Would Be Nicer]
  • First up, the athelete’s second favorite sport – Crime.
  • If the Titans are looking for a new quarterback, I do believe Phil Spector is available. And he has his own helmet.
  • All that work for nothing. I even learned the difference between hockey and baseball. For the record, folks, baseball is the one with the Spanish people.
  • Saginaw Highlight reel montage
  • I look forward to covering Ontario League Hockey next season, provided you’re willing to change the name to Colbert League Hockey. I’m a love junkie – you’ve got to up the dose.
  • I find this offensive that I should have to learn the difference between Sunnis and Shias simply because our army is in that country. I haven’t even figured out the difference between CNBC and MSNBC.

Fangirl Suit Report: Black suit, White shirt with barrel cuffs and cufflinks, Bright red tie with white dotted pattern.


The Great Turtle Race (This video expires: 05/12/2007)

Video Links:
The Throw: Monkey and Cat
Coalition of the Shilling
The Wørd: Season Pass (This video expires: 05/12/2007)
Sport Report: Spirit Loses (This video expires: 05/12/2007)
Vali Nasr

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