“Turn-offs? Phony people. Turn-ons? People who watch my program. And sex.“

Rad Medicine: Young people are choosing to live without health insurance, and I’m not just talking about my staff.

The Word: Hip Replacement

Wailing Walls: Author Jeannette Walls discusses her memoir (The Glass Castle) about growing up with homeless parents. The bright side? At least they can’t send you to your room.

Home-ownphobic: We didn’t have time yesterday but we’ll talk about the bursting housing bubble. Now there’s no better time to buy real estate with NO! MONEY! DOWN!

Guest plug:

In closing: *on guitar, András Simonyi!* Sir, would you play us out? That’s it for the Report everybody! Good night!

NOTABLE MOMENTS

  • More Britons get their news from Teletubbies than from any other source.
  • Believe me, this guy knows how to keep a stiff upper lip. That lip is where moustaches go to die.
  • God help us if Iran ever develops the wet willie.
  • You don’t build an empire on feelings. Unless you’re Oprah.
  • It’s time that Britain went through “Camillification.”
  • America, there is a crisis in healthcare, in that America believes that there is a crisis in healthcare.
  • It brings us to socialized healthcare, and that would make us no better than Canadians.
  • Robert Underdunk Terwilliger, teen idol?
  • Stephen “sets it straight” about his Colbert On the Ert remarks on the Today Show with Matt Lauer.
  • “The ‘budapests’ and their God-awful guitar playing.”
  • It was Ching Chong Ding Dong, all along.
  • The Big Red Button in Bears and Balls! “We’re all going to die!”
  • Make your house smell like a willing sexual partner.
  • 3 rules of real estate: Location! Location! BEES! – Do not buy a house filled with bees.
  • On the next Bears and Balls: Selling your kidneys – do you really need two?
  • Homelessness is still a big problem in the United States. Is there a better way to solve it than just ignoring it?
  • Celebrities are essentially unicorns. They aren’t real.
  • I came up with Filliam H. Muffman. What about Jake Gyllenhaal and Reese Witherspoon? How about “Jeese?” Anytime they show up, you can just go *disdainfully* “Jeeese…”
  • I don’t see why I have to apologize. Hungarians just can’t shred…
  • Stephen is interrupted by Hungarian Ambassador András Simonyi and his guitar playing. Stephen and his audience are genuinely rocked and awed.
  • All it takes to make Stephen apologize is a wicked shredding and a finely crafted axe. Another diplomatic crisis averted through the power of Rock n’ Roll.
  • Simonyi: “The Finns, they’re great people and all, but frankly, their guitar playing, it just SUCKS.” (And we know that Finland is full of some serious Conan O’Brien fans…)
Tasteful Gentleman Suit Report: Black pinstriped suit, mauve shirt with single silver stud cuffs. Eggplant tie with lavender blush & rose icon pattern.

Rad Medicine: Young people are living without health insurance — and not just Stephen’s staff.
British Hostages: Once the Brits were emotionless stoics, but now they wear their emotions on their pinafores.
Hip Replacement: When people start following “The Young Invincibles,” health care will go the way of acid washed jeans.
Stephen’s Racial Slurs: Imitation is a form of flattery. Just think of Stephen as a tribute band with racial stereotypes.
Bears and Balls: Home: If you’re selling your home, fill it with an enticing aroma — like pheromones. Works for deer hunting.
Jeanette Walls: Gossip columnist Jeanette Walls tells Stephen about growing up in a homeless family.

Editor’s Pick!
The Apology: Stephen finds out that Hungarian Ambassador András Simonyi can shred on the guitar.

This video expires: 05/10/2007

I CALLED IT!

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