Episode 3045 (04/09/2007)

“Christos Anestis! This is The Colbert Report!

Abuse, Reduce, Recycle: Tonight, can people live without wasting resources? I’ll burn the midnight oil to find the answer.

Nation vs. Nation: Then, I sit down with Katrina vanden Heuvel from The Nation magazine. In true liberal fashion, she’ll “spend” my time and “tax” my patience.

Sense of Foreclosure: Plus, the housing market is in crisis. With foreclosures at an all time high, there’s no better time to buy real estate with NO! MONEY! DOWN!

Guest Plug:
Colin Beavan“Step it up 2007”
Katrina vanden HeuvelThe Nation

In closing: That is it for the Report. Good night, ladies! And yes, I meant that to sting, gentlemen.


  • New intro word: FLAGAPHILE!
  • Nation, the Report is back from a week’s break, and there is a lot to catch up on. I gotta tell you, folks, first things first . . . [picks up a carton of AmeriCone Dream, takes a big spoonful].
  • Happy anniversary! It has been four years since we were welcomed as liberators in Baghdad. We all have our own ways of celebrating. Personally, I looted a Circuit City. Not a single employee raised a finger to stop me; that is customer service.
  • *Brain freeze!*
  • *I ABSTAINED!* Watch out, Heaven; here I come!
  • I already know what Heaven’s gonna taste like. It is so – mmm! – so patriotic. It’s like having the Continental Congress in my mouth. And yet, on a certain level, it’s a religious experience. Church and State, you are not separated on my tongue.
  • Ben & Jerry’s has sent word that AmeriCone Dream is now their number one selling flavor!
  • I’m no fish-coddler. In fact, I find six-pack rings other people have cut, and I glue them back together.
  • You cannot strangle a seabird these days without hearing from the reduce, reuse, “re-psychos.”
  • Oh really? Are poor people gonna have to give up their gasoline-powered foot-massagers? No!
  • Bobby, we only have about two minutes and thirty seconds left in the interview. We should just put two minutes and thirty seconds left on the microwave and just run it with nothing inside it, please . . . Is it on high, Bobby?
  • So, by saving all of these paper products, you’re hoping to actually create a book that will cut down trees, and use paper products.
  • “Colbert on the Ert”
  • I’m sure you all heard about the trouble I got into last week with my so-called ethnic “slurs”. Which I believe were just ethnic “facts”. Coupled with ethnic “nicknames.” [Editor’s note: If you missed the reference, check out the latest Don Imus flap here.]
  • Formula 401K: Special Tax Edition. Use it today, and by this time next year, you’ll have a spanking new dependent crawling around the house.
  • I do like peace, but we’re presently at war, madame. You realize that, don’t you? They should have . . . war suckers.
  • Are you against fighting Nazis? No? Okay, I accept your apology.
  • Let’s talk about your courage to come back here, since I handed you your @ss the last time you were here.
  • Do you know what happens if you break a lamp at Pottery Barn and you leave? Genocide!
  • Wait a second. Wait . . . In that last sentence, in that last sentence, you said “give head” and “lapdogs”, and that is, that’s an image I can’t get out of my head!

Fangirl Suit Report: Black suit (subtle stripe, black on black pattern), light grey(?) shirt with single button barrel cuffs. Silver-grey tie with lighter grey pattern.

[Editor’s note: After hearing comments from some of our readers whose connections had performance issues when we embedded multiple videos per episode guide, we have decided to limit the number of videos we embed and simply to provide links to the rest of the Comedy Central clips. We hope this will make the site operate more smoothly for you.]

New Set: Stephen is surprised that Jon paid his slaves to put together the new set.

Abuse, Reduce, Recycle: Stephen burns the midnight oil to find out if people can live without wasting resources.

End of Lent: Stephen makes good on his promise to Jesus that he would give up sweets for Lent. This video expires: 05/10/2007

Colin Beavan: As Colin Beavan talks about his low waste lifestyle, Stephen times him using the microwave. This video expires: 05/10/2007

Colbert on the Ert: Stephen is criticized for using ethnic slurs against Hungarians on his radio broadcast.

Formula 401K: Use Stephen’s Formula 401K and you’ll have a dependant by next tax season.

Katrina vanden Heuvel: Stephen talks to Katrina vanden Heuvel of The Nation.


  1. TheLakeEffect says:

    Oh, do I see the Hungarian ambassador returning to the show to demand an apology? *calling it*

  2. I CALLED IT on Stephen Colbert’s Formula 401k! I wrote this on March 22nd. Woot, I’m excited!

  3. happybumblebee1 says:

    Thank you so much for the context of the racial slur thing. I didn’t quite get why he was doing that, funny nevertheless.

  4. TheLakeEffect says:

    *does the Colbert Lion Dance*

    You’re danged right I called it!


  5. You sure did Lake Effect. Is Colbert getting predictable, or are we getting brainwashed?!

  6. TheLakeEffect says:

    I’d like to think that if you watch the show enough, you just know who’s going to come back. Then again, how many people watching Simonyi’s original appearance on TCR actually knew he was the rock-god of Embassy Row? I honestly did not see that one coming.

    I think it’s fascinating to see Stephen’s guests reveal certain facets of their personalities that they wouldn’t show on other programs. Note to Pelosi and Emanuel: People enjoy voting for candidates that at one time or another were human.

    There are worse things by which to be brainwashed…

  7. Drew Vallas says:

    Just so everyone knows.. “Christos Anesti” translates to “Christ Is Risen”. It’s the Greek version the traditional Orthodox greeting after Pascha (Easter).

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