Episode 3042 (03/27/2007)

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“Nation, you’re like a family. That’s why this year I’m claiming you all as dependents. This is The Colbert Report!“

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The Penn Is Mouthier Than The Sword: Sean Penn challenged to a Battle of the Metaphors. Former Secretary of State Madeleine Albright discusses the situation in Iran.

Guest Plug:

English Farsi: Tip of the Hat / Wag of the Finger

• Wag: Drug Dealers.
• Tip: GLAAD
• Tip: Man Sheep

Fallowship of the Wrong: James Fallows – National Correspondent, ‘The Atlantic Monthly’, author, “Blind into Baghdad”

Guest Plug:

In closing: Good Night.

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NOTABLE MOMENTS

• Last night I was mad, and tonight I am furious! Vein in my forehead!
• *Sean Penn as ‘evil symphony conductor’*
• Can you imagine how long it would take to fill a bathtub by wringing out the President’s underwear? Not that it wouldn’t be an honor.
• Put down the bong, Spicoli, and start working on your metaphors.
• We will go head to head like Romain versus iceberg.
• *Showing Manilow winning Emmy to ‘re-enrage’ Stephen* – Manilow!!!!! I’m back.
• As I call it, World War Weeeee!
• One size fits all – it’s a miracle.
• *’Welcome 12th Imam’ printed on back of ‘Welcome Jesus’ T-shirt*
• Different phase? That’s not how you talk about the end of the world. That’s how your girlfriend talks about moving in together. By the way, it’s the end of the world.
• Madame Secretary, in what way is our conflict of Iran all Bill Clinton’s fault?
• Feel free to use the words ‘cruise’ and ‘missile’ in your response.
• I love to spread joy where ever I go – that’s why I was banned from Disney World.
• I’m not afraid to take an unpopular stand. Kids should not use meth.
• *Joe Meth*
• I am on record as saying I want an ear of corn to scream and bleed when I bite it. It would finally give vegetarians the thrill of the hunt.
• It can sheer it’s own wool, knit it’s own sweater, put it back on and think it’s kinda scratchy.
• How about part man, part eagle – a Mangel. (Looks like Harvey Birdman!)
• Or a ‘Manicorn’ – half man, half unicorn. Of course we would first have to make a Unicorn, so I guess we would have to cross breed a horse with a narwhal.
• How could we have known that they Iraqis wouldn’t appreciate democracy?

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Fangirl Suit Report: Dark gray pinstriped suit, Light lilac shirt with barrel cuffs, Lilac tie with violet dot pattern.

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TDS Toss: Dennis Miller
Stephen and Jon take their shot at bringing out obscure Miller-isms.

Mouthier Than The Sword
Sean Penn insults the President. He better hope Gitmo has a great theater department.

Sean Penn Challenge
After hearing Sean Penn insult the President, Stephen is furious and wants to go head-to-head.
This video expires: 04/28/2007

Madeleine Albright
Despite how Stephen feels, Madeleine Albright argues that Armageddon is not a foreign policy.
This video expires: 04/28/2007

Tip/Wag: Cloning
Scientists, if you’re going to cross breed us, create a part man, part eagle – a mangle.
This video expires: 04/28/2007

James Fallows
James Fallows explains the difference between a children’s bedtime story and U.S. military strategy.

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