Episode 3040 (03/22/2007)

“America, your letter writing campaign was successful. The show’s coming back tonight. This is The Colbert Report!

D.C. Marvel: The USA Today‘s suggestive graphics. D.C. Congressional Delegate Eleanor Holmes Norton discusses giving D.C. residents a voting member of Congress.

Chicken Stripped: Stephen’s ‘face reading.’ Sport Report: Stephen loosing NCAA office pool; Cockfighting may be banned in Louisiana; Saginaw Spirit are in the playoffs.

Profiles in Couric: Katie Couric, anchor of ‘CBS Evening News’

In closing: Join us for our show on Monday. It will be even more exciting because it’s going to take place… in the future!


  • The only newspaper I like is The USA Today. It’s like a Denny’s placemat, but with news.
  • It’s not the first time I’ve noticed your infomo-sexual graphics and your sadomatric-samesextistics.
  • Washington’s like a second home to me – mostly for tax purposes.
  • One of the bill’s sponsors was Eleanor Holmes Norton, D.C.’s congressional delegate who has already shown poor judgment in that she disagreed with me.
  • Voting is overrated. After over 200 years, look at what it’s gotten us: a Democratic Congress and Sanjaya Malekar.
  • Holmes-Norton: “Read The USA Today, instead of looking at the sex pictures.
  • *Audience singing ‘High Hopes’ to Eleanor Holmes Norton.*
  • Let me do a little ‘name reading’ on Rose Rosetree. Your parents were either lazy or high.
  • *Face Reading article from Chicago Sun Times*
  • Hey, Rosetree! I’ve got something out-angled for you right here, and it’s behind my hand!
  • “You can compare him to Mother Teresa or Lucille Ball.” Great, an vagrant hugger or an immigrant loving chocolate fiend.
  • A man’s face is private, especially when it’s on TV four times a day.
  • Now I’m going to get self conscious every time I do my invisible mustache twirl.
  • Where am I supposed to go? Nicaragua? I can’t – there’s a price on my head!
  • I don’t believe there’s anything in the rule book that says you can’t put a golden retriever on the ice.
  • Have you thought about slicking it back, fake mustache, strapping them down? Maybe being Teddy Couric for a week?
  • Wolf Blitzer does it – her real name is Wendy Blitstein. That’s not a real beard.
  • When I watch The Today Show, all I’m really thinking about is yesterday. That’s trademarked, by the way.
  • Given the gravitas of the news these days, wouldn’t it be better to start with “Are you sitting down?” or “Your not going to like this!” or “Oh, boy. How do I put this?” Or “We need to talk.”
  • What do you think prepared you most for the anchor chair – being a cheerleader or being a sorority sister?
  • *Stephen showing his leg on the table trying to get Katie to compare hers.*

Fangirl Suit Report: Black windowpane suit. White shirt with French cuffs. Black tie with white square dot pattern.

D.C. Marvel
Washington D.C. may get a vote. Finally, a voice in Congress for the lobbyists who live there.

Man Pie
Stephen catches another infomo-sexual graphic in the USA Today.

Rep. Eleanor Holmes Norton
Rep. Eleanor Holmes Norton tells Stephen to stop looking at USA Today‘s sex pictures.
This video expires: 04/23/2007

Stephen’s Funny Face
A facial expert compares Stephen’s face to either Mother Teresa’s of Lucille Ball’s.

Sport Report: Playoffs
The Saginaw Spirit are just 16 games away from winning the J. Ross. Robertson Cup.
This video expires: 04/23/2007

Katie Couric
Katie Couric says Stephen has better legs than Jon Bon Jovi.

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