Episode 3034 (3/13/2007)

“I’m the host, which makes you my guests. Hope you brought some wine; it’s polite. This is The Colbert Report!”

Prosecutors Will Be Violated: Time Travel article, Ben & Jerry’s Stephen Colbert’s Americone Dream, Fired federal prosecutors

Special Guest: Dr. Donald Shields – University of Missouri, St. Louis

Prepare for Gory: Four Horsemen of the A-Pop-Calypse

Television – #1 TV show – Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader
Books – #1 NY Times teenage best seller “New Moon”
Music – #1 Album – Chris Daughtry (4th place on American Idol)
Movies – #1 Movie – ‘300’

Dyson: Chicken: Michael Eric Dyson – Author, ‘Debating Race’

Guest Plug:

In closing: Well, that’s all we have time for, which brings us to tonight’s Wørd: Goodnight.


  • I wish everyone at home could have seen that, it was half a standing ovation. Divided cleanly right down here, the Spring Break stood up, people with jobs did not.
  • Tell you what’s really going on here nation, this is my theory. Scientists have the time machine but they don’t want the rest of us to see them. Why? Because we’ll see all the dials go back 6000 years, which means the bible’s right. No big bang, no evolution, therefore no big research grants for people like, you guessed it, Brian Green. Meanwhile Brian and his Labcoat Larry’s travel to the past all the time to plant dinosaur bones for the rest of us to find, and beat up on the jocks who tormented them back in high school.
  • Future Stephen!
  • That’s right folks, Willie Nelson’s Country Peach Cobbler is competing with my wholesome All-AmeriCone Dream. Something must be done. And luckily, something must is being done. An independent dessert action committee is setting the record straight with a series of hard-hitting ads. Take a look. [Editor’s note: And recalls.]
  • I am Stephen Colbert and I had absolutely nothing to do with this ad. [Small Print: The Americone Dream Institute is responsible for the content of this advertisement. It is not authorized by any ice cream or ice cream’s commmittee.]
  • Sir, I want to let you know if you make me Federal Prosecutor I will be a one-man pleasuredome.
  • Angel! (They totally should have used Spike – much sexier)
  • And if you do ever get married, how do you tell your parents you want to have your reception in a crypt. “Try the crab puffs!” [Editor’s Note: The Ghosts of Fandoms Past compelled me to go find this clip about vampires marrying humans.]
  • The soul patrol is protecting our border groove.
  • Mahmoud Acmamadon’tletyourbabiesgrowuptobecowboysajad
  • Even though I watch the show on Tivo and fast forward through the commercials, I have to stop it every single time a ‘Blades of Glory’ ad comes on. I simply must see this movie.
  • People tell me I’m white and I believe them because I have my own late night talk show.
  • Stephen: So bigotry anybody can do, but racism is a team effort. Michael: That’s exactly right. There’s no “I” in racism.

Fangirl Suit Report: Dark gray suit, Bluish periwinkle shirt with french cuffs and cufflinks, Navy tie with white dotted grid pattern

Prosecutors Will Be Violated
The administration fires eight attorneys, but none of them are Patrick Fitzgerald

Time Travel Impossible
Scientists claim that time travel is impossible, but Stephen knows the truth.

Willie Nelson’s Cobbler
Stephen’s new ad campaign helps spread the truth about Willie Nelson’s ice cream.
This video expires: 04/14/2007

Dr. Donald Shields
Stephen tells Dr. Donald Shields federal prosecutors need to pleasure the president.

A-Pop-Calypse: 300
Stephen believes that the movie 300 is an allegory for the war in Iraq.
This video expires: 04/14/2007

Michael Eric Dyson
Michael Eric Dyson believes there are some black people in Stephen’s family tree.

It’s all Stephen has time for.


  1. Ms Interpreted says:

    Hee! I thought the Angel pic was pretty funny, too, but I’m with you on the whole Spike = Sexier thing.

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