Episode 3029 (3/5/2007)

“Honk if you love the truth, and please stop watching TV while you’re driving. This is The Colbert Report!”

Reed and Weep: Walter Reed and congresspeople

Special Guest: Ben & Jerry – Ben & Jerry’s Stephen Colbert’s AmeriCone Dream

Down Jones: Stephen Colbert’s Bears & Balls

Panderslice: Mara Vanderslice, Founder – Common Good Strategies

In closing: Everybody gets a pint! Congratulations, your AmeriCone Dreams have come true!

TrueMajority.org – Get your free frisbee here!


  • And that’s in my deaf ear!
  • Great to see Stewart supporting the troops for once.
  • Someone had to have the courage to walk through that hospital and then have the press document their disapproval.
  • Let me put this in perspective for you. They can’t just out their office window and see what’s happening at Walter Reed – no! They have to get in a car. Walter Reed hospital is six miles from the capital.
  • The senseless war in Washington must end, so that the war in Iraq can continue in peace.
  • In fact, sitting on a box of Klondike bars is the only birth control I use.
  • Now you can enjoy me internally as well as externally.
  • That picture is so hot, it’s amazing the stuff stays frozen.
  • And for a limited time, you can get my Baby Maker Gift Basket.
  • And Chunky Monkey, clearly a pro-evolution dessert.
  • They are my mob …
  • Jerry … hairy … that’s easy.
  • You know, you could have a Democratic flavor – Cut And Rum Raisin.
  • Not as many people love Jesus as much as I do.
  • United We Lick – America Tastes For Stephen
  • Anderson Cooper (!)
  • All my proceeds go to charity – Eat it, Bono! I’m coming for you, Paul Newman!
  • Willie Nelson has a flavor? What’s in it, shredded tax forms and hash?
  • Stephen Jr.’s AmeriFlown Dream (Chocolate Fish)
  • Oh no! What about Mr. Whiskers?!
  • Sell All Things Chinese – Electronics, toys, clothing, dishes … pretty much anything that’s made. Except powdered tiger dong. That stuff will put some bamboo in your shoot.
  • “A desparate attempt to avoid bankruptcy” …. “Synergy!”
  • Bonds? [No] Gold? [No] Then what? [Bees] Bees? [Yes]
  • Now, you’re going to need finesse to get the bees into your safety deposit box. That’s why I recommend coating your face with canned frosting.
  • I don’t worry about getting stung because I start with the Epi-pen jammed in my heart. I’m highly allergic to bees.
  • Wow, that was a rather interesting interview.

Fangirl Suit Report: Black suit with windowpane pinstriping, Pale gray shirt with barrel cuffs, steel gray tie.


  1. Free pints of Americone Dream. Just wait till they name a car after Stephen – oh, to be in THAT audience! :)

  2. where’s my damn frisbee?

  3. You have to wait 4-6 weeks, silly! :)

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