Episode 3029 (3/5/2007)

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“Honk if you love the truth, and please stop watching TV while you’re driving. This is The Colbert Report!”

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Reed and Weep: Walter Reed and congresspeople

Special Guest: Ben & Jerry – Ben & Jerry’s Stephen Colbert’s AmeriCone Dream

Down Jones: Stephen Colbert’s Bears & Balls

Panderslice: Mara Vanderslice, Founder – Common Good Strategies

In closing: Everybody gets a pint! Congratulations, your AmeriCone Dreams have come true!

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INTERNET COL-BOMB SITE OF THE DAY:
TrueMajority.org – Get your free frisbee here!

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NOTABLE MOMENTS

• And that’s in my deaf ear!
• Great to see Stewart supporting the troops for once.
• Someone had to have the courage to walk through that hospital and then have the press document their disapproval.
• Let me put this in perspective for you. They can’t just out their office window and see what’s happening at Walter Reed – no! They have to get in a car. Walter Reed hospital is six miles from the capital.
• The senseless war in Washington must end, so that the war in Iraq can continue in peace.
• In fact, sitting on a box of Klondike bars is the only birth control I use.
• Now you can enjoy me internally as well as externally.
• That picture is so hot, it’s amazing the stuff stays frozen.
• And for a limited time, you can get my Baby Maker Gift Basket.
• And Chunky Monkey, clearly a pro-evolution dessert.
• They are my mob …
• Jerry … hairy … that’s easy.
• You know, you could have a Democratic flavor – Cut And Rum Raisin.
• Not as many people love Jesus as much as I do.
• United We Lick – America Tastes For Stephen
• Anderson Cooper (!)
• All my proceeds go to charity – Eat it, Bono! I’m coming for you, Paul Newman!
• Willie Nelson has a flavor? What’s in it, shredded tax forms and hash?
• Stephen Jr.’s AmeriFlown Dream (Chocolate Fish)
• Oh no! What about Mr. Whiskers?!
• Sell All Things Chinese – Electronics, toys, clothing, dishes … pretty much anything that’s made. Except powdered tiger dong. That stuff will put some bamboo in your shoot.
• “A desparate attempt to avoid bankruptcy” …. “Synergy!”
• Bonds? [No] Gold? [No] Then what? [Bees] Bees? [Yes]
• Now, you’re going to need finesse to get the bees into your safety deposit box. That’s why I recommend coating your face with canned frosting.
• I don’t worry about getting stung because I start with the Epi-pen jammed in my heart. I’m highly allergic to bees.
• Wow, that was a rather interesting interview.

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Fangirl Suit Report: Black suit with windowpane pinstriping, Pale gray shirt with barrel cuffs, steel gray tie.

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