Episode 3023 (2/14/2007)

Texas Heal ‘Em: Chinese correction

The Wørd: Bad Medicine

Life’s A Bitch: Stephen Colbert’s Sport Report

Fabulous Biker Boy: Lance Armstrong, Cyclist

In closing: You’ll all be in my dreams as the throngs of peasants hundreds of feet below my mighty tower. I AM THE RULER OF DREAMLAND!

NOTABLE MOMENTS

• Truth is, folks, you heroes are going to have to breed like polygamist Mormon squirrels.
• Pop the question to the first person who smiles at you like I did. I love you, honey!
• Stop being so picky, Nation, that’s why your still single.
• No … no no … no … no .. no no no no … No.
• Evidentally Viagra and hormone treatements have given our nation’s seniors a second lease on their junk.
• And seniors, keep it in your pants. It should be easy, they’re up around your neck.
• I say, stay out of our sex lives, New York City Subway system. There’s only one “C” train to ride in my bedroom, and you’re looking at it. All aboard! Next stop Canal street.
• [Note: Not An Effective Form Of Birth Control]
• The message here is clear, if you have sex, God will give you cancer. [Still Beats Hairy Palms]
• I mean, once I got my tetanus shot, I couldn’t stop chewing on rusty nails. They’re pretty good. [Tastes Like Rusty Chicken]
• Stephen Protects Valentine’s Day
• If you are hunting elk in Norway, you would be crazy not to have one of these.
• And the hot dog dog.
• That’s right, dog comedy clubs have a two-drink minimum.
• Love me some Cosby impression.
• This is what happens when you bring someone up from the minors too soon.
• If you had your head in the game, those loincloths would not be lying flat.
• Just go out there, and skate like Nigerian ice dancers.
• The peddling walkover was just too cute
• Stand up a sec … I’m taller than you!
• Being retired from biking, isn’t that like being retired from recess?
• What did it feel like to kick that much French butt?
• I speak a little Spanish … Hola Miguel!
• We couldn’t get the winner of the New York City marathon here tonight? I speak Kenyan …
• I just love Lance Armstrong. Poor guy couldn’t keep a straight face … I love that.

• Episode 4070 (05/29/2008)
• Episode 4069 (05/28/2008)
• Episode 4067 (05/15/2008)
• Episode 4066 (5/14/08)