“Super Bowl Sunday isn’t for three more days, but Colbert Report Thursday starts right now! This is The Colbert Report!”
Fear of a Black Caucus: Aqua Teen Hunger Force,
The Wørd: We Shall Overcome
For Your Condemnation: Movies That Are Destroying America
Benign Schumer: Sen. Chuch Schumer, New York Senator and Author – “Positively American”
Guest Plug:
In closing: The Most Poetic F#@ing Thing I’ve Ever Heard
NOTABLE MOMENTS
- The Night of 1000 Character Breaks started with the Toss tonight. “Yes, from Colbert Report headquarters, the flash, apparently official …”
- You are an obedient mob.
- Clearly the Lite Bright doodling of terroists.
- Everyone knows that if you want to get people excited about Aqua Teen Hunger Force, you put up Frylock. He’s cool, and he’s Urban!
- For example, to market my new show “Time to Travel”, I was going to go to major American airports and leave unmarked suitcases with clock radios taped to them. To get the word out on my winter-themed Charity gala, I was sending out envelopes filled with fake snow. [Did anyone else notice that the envelope was addressed to "Russ Lieber, WLBR Radio, Madison, WI?"]. And I was so excited about my new Time Square ad campaign for this show – “Colbert Report – It’s Da Bomb!” Thanks for nothing, Meatwad!
- It was National Oatmeal Month, National Fiber Focus Month, and National Prune Breakfast Month, and to be perfectly honest, all that celebrating left me a little pooped.
- People call me white and I believe them because police call me “Sir.”
- We Southerners are proud of our heritage – or Robert E. Lee’s, our Stonewall Jackson’s, our Lynard Skynards.
- America, I am deeply sorry for slavery. It was wrong. So to make up for it, I am offering reparations in the form of a 10% discount on all the items in the Stephen Colbert Southern Heritage collection in the ColbertNation.com gift shop!
- There! Apology made, racism over!
- Students don’t care that Harriet Tubman ran the Underground railroad. But think how excited they’ll be to see her running an intergalactic space train. But some people don’t want to see Harriet Tubman in a space train …
- It takes a subtle mind to find hypocracy in Congress [Like Finding Hay In Haystack]. But eliminating the black caucus is going to far, we must take baby steps [First: Stop Giggling At "Caucus"].
- It’s only fair to ask, where’s the Congressional White Caucus? [It's Called "Congress"]
- Well, folks, it is my least favorite time of the year, when the nation’s attention is grabbed by the gold-plated reach around they call the Oscars.
- Hollywood is being overrun!
- Either that, or we make Lou Dobbs a film critic.
- It’s bad enough that this documentary made global warming sexy, but now I have to hear the phrase “Al Gore’s Oscar-Nominated Film.” Ugh, plantains.
- I will never approve of a film that portrays a gay Proust scholar in a positive light unless that Proust scholar is running a Christian camp that uses the power of Christ to turn other gay Proust scholars into straight people that don’t read.
- Hey, don’t get me wrong. She’ll look better in a tux than last year’s host [Jon Stewart]
- Ellen, please don’t [dance] because you are too good. And I might find myself attracted to a lesbian. And what would that make me. I don’t know. I really don’t know what that would make me. That’s an honest question. E-mail us, I’d love to know.
- Colbert: “I assume because you are a Democrat that the Baily’s are a gay couple, and they adopted their children, and they’re pagans.” Schumer: “And vegans.”
- The would kill for me, wouldn’t you? Send these guys to Iraq, they would mop it right up.
- So you expect to win against both God AND money?
- I think this year you could have said “Boogedy Boogedy” and still won.
- “alights on the neck of a sleeping mapie … and drinks the bird’s tears.”
- I’ve never heard of anything more deserving of rhyme. It’s right up there with the greatest works of Byron, Shelley, and that extrordinary young man from Nantucket.
Fangirl Suit Report: Navy blue suit, Very light blue shirt with French cuffs and cufflinks, Light blue tie with navy woven pattern.
Full set of screencaps at WonkyEar.com
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