“Warning, the contents of USA Today are really about the USA yesterday. This is The Colbert Report!”
BAA Curious: Global Warming, Jane Fonda
The Wørd: Black Sheep
Meeks Shall Inherit My Wrath: New York’s 6th – The Fightin’ 6th Democrat Gregory Meeks
Jed Lag: Jed Babbin, Editor – ‘Human Events’
In closing: Get some sleep, the rerun’s in an hour and a half and you’re gonna want to be fresh.
INTERNET COL-BOMB SITE OF THE DAY:
HumanEvents.com – Conservative web site
- If you watched the show yesterday, you know I was all high off the news that the Pentagon has developed a new invisible beam that can burn journalists at a distance. It’s a dream come true. But the news biz is an emotional roller coaster, and today you must be this outraged [hand to head] to ride. I’ll tell you why I’m upset and just what has crawled up my keester and made itself comfortable.
- Hey, maybe if scientists stopped producing smoking guns, we’d have less greenhouse gasses.
- To protest their decrease in power consumption, I have replaced my stage manager Bobby with a 5000 watt heat lamp.
- The man heading up the climate hearings is California congress man Henry Waxman. That’s right – Wax Man. “Oh no, we have to stop global warming because I’m a man made of wax! [the melting man from "Indiana Jones]“
- Ever since Southern Methodist University protested the president’s library, these guys have been looking a lot better. [with Lutherans sign] Here, nail that to a church door.
- New Cards … Let’s see … Lee Merriweather …. Wurther’s Original’s. Here we go – Weather Channel! This is going to make you feel lower than your production values (Get in there, you bastard!). And Jane Fonda … Firestein, Harvey, Formica …. There we go. Jane Fonda. You’re officially On Notice, for disloyalty, treasonous words, your soft, moist lips. I’m sorry, I blacked out, what did I just say? Oh, right, I was talking about how Jane Fonda undermines our troops, and our president, and my dreams. Stay out of my dreams! Jimmy, get that dream bubble out of here! It’s not helping.
- The all new Fantasies Board
- Weekend with Dr. House
- Duet with Justin Timberlake
- Astronaut License
- Jane Fonda [fantasies of Jane Fonda moved to On Notice board]
- Colmes in Gitmo
- Attend Hogwarts
- Golf with Nixon
- Hunt Man
- Wrestle Manilow
- Leather Pants
- Try Appletini
- Baby Carrots
- And this isn’t Jane Fonda, this is my fantasies of Jane Fonda, and let me tell you, they’re crazy. I’ll miss you Barbarella. But the good news is … Ladies! The Fantasy Board has a free slot! This place is littered with On Notice.
- As in Baa Baa Black sheep, have you any wool? Yes sir, yes, sir, and I’m pulling that wool over your eyes to further the homosexual agenda. ["We're Here. We're Sheared. Get Used To It."]
- Face it, they’re not in nature. They’re domesticated animals. And if Brokeback Mountain is any indication, shepherds aren’t exactly the best role models for these young, impressionable lambs. ["I Wish I Could Quilt You."] Besides, who funded this study? [LAMBDA?]
- Everywhere that “Mary” went the lamb was sure to go? Where’s the masculine role model? [Little Boy Blue?]
- The 6th is home to one of the factories of Interstate bakeries which produces Hoho’s, Twinkies, and Type 2 Diabetes.
- How are you planning, as Democrats, to help the terrorists and establish gay marriage?
- It has to do with Barbra Streisand and the marching order she gives you.
- Speaker Pelosi: Disgrace to the office, or greatest disgrace to the office?
- Meeks: “Chocolate tastes good.” Colbert: “Is this part of the gay agenda?”
- Why does Castro sound like Triumph the Insult Comic Dog.
- Why did God make Liberals? Is it the same reason he made cancer and tornadoes?
- What we do to shut the American people up?
- We have to because the gay people are getting married, and at their marriages they are burning flags.
Fangirl Suit Report: Gray pinstripe suit, Cream colored shirt with French cuffs and cufflinks, Gold tie with small spotted pattern.
Full set of screencaps at WonkyEar.com