“Spoiler alert! This is The Colbert Report!“
Bazooka’d Joe: TV viewership at all time low. List of Top potential terrorist targets released. Joe Lieberman opposed in primary.
The Wørd: Inquisition
Viagra Falls: Threat Down!
- 5. Canadian Drugs!
- 4. Fake Sperm!
- 3. Jackie Chan!
- 2. Rogue Waves!
- 1. MagnaMorphs!
Cruel to Suskind: Ron Suskind, author – ‘The One Percent Doctrine’
Guest Plug:
In closing: It’s almost midnight and that means it’s time for bed. Lucky for me, I’m already in my pajamas.
NOTABLE MOMENTS
- I want to talk about some disturbing news I read about in the Chicago Tribune. I lived there for years and I still read the Tribune. Gotta keep up with my Bulls. They don’t play Jordon as much as they use to, though.
- I’ll assume that some of you, let’s say 30 million, were guarding our borders. But a quick note to you Minutemen – The Colbert Report is available on iTunes. So you can keep Mexicans out while staying in touch.
- TV’s doing it’s job – it’s on. The least you could do is nothing else.
- It’s no secret that the states with the most terror targets are Indiana and Wisconsin.
- Of course, the Alec Baldwineers on the Left are saying this is just partisan pork barrel politics.
- These grants are fairly distributed, as evidenced in this United States map of this countries Hot targets in red and the cool, safe areas in blue. [*Red/Blue state map*] What could be fairer? Is it making sense now?
- First of all, Old Macdonald’s isn’t just a petting zoo. It’s a petting zoo and chemical weapons depository.
- As for the Amish Country Popcorn shop, do you know how those Amish pop their corn? [*graphic of Nuclear reactor popping corn.]
- I, for one, don’t know how democracy can survive once someone takes out the Sweetwater Flea Market. Where else would the people of Sweetwater get their hand panted trivets and log cabin birdhouses? Where?
- I was watching Connecticut television last night. I have a satellite feed that gives me only Connecticut channels.
- I was watching Wednesday Night Scrimshaw with Bucky Milligan. He’s carving a narwhal tusk depiction of the Battle of Hastings.
- It’s a great ad featuring my favorite Democrat, Joe Lieberman. Something about the ad really made him seem presidential.
- What’s Ned’s problem with Lieberman? One tiny, little, insignificant issue – the war in Iraq.
- You know, Mr. Bush has such soft hands, I can only imagine what his lips are like.
- Evidently, low approval ratings can be contracted through saliva, because Lieberman now could actually lose the Democratic primary in August.
- When I look for analysis of internal Democratic Party politics, I go straight to conservative columnist David Brooks.
- He’s right. It’s the only word that could possibly describe it and, therefore, it’s tonight’s word. Inquisition.
- Listen up, Connecticut Democrats! You made your choice back in 1988. You chose Joe Lieberman. [And Acid Wash Jeans]
- You don’t get to have another primary 18 years later. You can’t just say “oops, I made a mistake.” [Apparently, Neither Can Lieberman]
- You might not agree with some or all of his positions, but you have to wait until a Republican beats Lieberman and then 6, or 12, or 18 years later you can elect a totally different Democrat. [Davey Lieberman in '24!]
- He was the Democratic Vice-Presidential Candidate! [An Inconvenient Truth]
- You cannot stop Joe-mentum.
- This is a man who was tied with other men who almost got nominated to lose the general election. And now Democrats are going to just kick him to the curb? [At The Corner of Bland and Adequate]
- If a jihad like this could happen to Joe Lieberman, it could happen to any Democrat. [Who Tongues The President]
- And if it does happen to Lieberman, soon you’ll have members of Congress from all over the country facing primaries, having to defend their records. And folks, there’s only one word for that. [Democracy] Inquisition.
- This is your lucky day. You are completely safe and you have nothing to fear. It’s time for the Safety Up! Oh, wait. Sorry, today is opposite day. Threat Down!
- Sure, Canadian drugs may be more affordable for millions of uninsured Americans, but they jeopardize our national security.
- Heed the Senators warning and we must ban all imports into this country. Let’s face it. Anything can be filled with anthrax. That means barrels of oil, heads of cattle, and the band Anthrax – the number one import from the nation of Maximum Metal. Whaaaaaaa!
- *repeats the “whaaaaaa” a few more times.* Sorry, had to get the tremolo in there.
- Oh. Bravo, science. You’ve solved the world’s pressing mouse shortage. First of all, this fake sperm is a threat to my real sperm – Stephen Colbert’s Formula 401 which can be ordered from my mail order seed catalog.
- According to the article, the process would allow single men and women to essentially mate with themselves – kind of hot – but listen to this. Quote: “Gay couples could have children which are genetically their own.”
- It’s bad enough that gays can adopt and turn other people’s children gay. Now we’re going to clone them? I’m sorry, but our world is not ready for an army of super-gay clones. A fact I only too painfully learned after renting “Sperm Wars II, Attack of the Bones.” Took me over an hour to realize I’d been duped.
- The guy who played Anakin Beefstroker was actually better than Hayden Christensen.
- Nation, if you find yourself confronted with a drunken and disgruntled Jackie Chan, do not approach him. Remember, he is the drunken master. The more wasted he gets, the better his Kung-Fu.
- Retreat to a safe distance until he can be effectively distracted by the rapid fire patter of Chris Tucker. “Whaaat?” “Ah-ah!”
- Whaaaaaaa! Whaaat? Ah-ah! Whaaaaaaa!
- For centuries, we’ve heard tales about colossal waves appearing out of otherwise calm water to drag ships into the briny deep. But they were dismissed as myths, like mermaids, sea serpents and the moon landing.
- I say we treat rogue waves the same way we treat rogue nations. Let the UN pass a few meaningless resolutions, then have the US drive a cruise ship loaded with TNT right into their evil salty hearts.
- The plankton will greet us as liberators.
- Let me warn my more sensitive viewers that what you are about to see will shock and offend you. Please use your discretion and have a vomit bucket handy.
- This so called toy, intended for children, comes with a bald eagle, an alligator, and a bear.
- So far, so good. The alligator and the bear can fight to the death and who ever survives will be weak and easy prey for the eagle.
- MagnaMorphs crosses the line from educational fun to blasphemous monstrosity, because the animals have detachable magnetic parts which allow you to combine our proud symbol of American freedom with a godless killing machine.
- Look at that! Half Bear. Half Eagle. It’s a Beagle. And it’s a grizzly so it’s a Greagle.
- Let the British scientists get a hold of it and they’ll make fake Greagle sperm and they’ll start breeding.
- Just to be safe, keep them away from all magnets. You don’t want them getting mixed up in that opposite polarity lifestyle.
- Well, no offense to the VP, but isn’t that soft on terror? One percent? Shouldn’t it be a 0% doctrine. Even if there is no chance that someone is a threat to the United States, and they just look at us funny. Shouldn’t we just tag ‘em?
- I’m less than zero. I’m negative 1. I had myself notarized.
- The problem with evidence is, it doesn’t always support your opinion. You get your facts and I’ll get my facts.
- If we’d waited we wouldn’t have invaded. That’s true because it rhymes.
- *Stephen and Suskind start touching index fingers* Not entirely sure what just happened there, but we might be blood brothers.
- Stephen: Not panic – action. We were in a state of constant action. We were just continually moving forward. And if we didn’t invade someone, we would have tripped over our, um, preparedness. You know what I’m talking about?
- Suskind: No, I do. And that’s not covered under your health insurance.
- Isn’t the Bush administration’s leadership a lot like religion – you just have to have faith that they’ll do the right thing. There’s a reason why God put him in office.
- I am almost entirely faith-based. My feet barely touch the ground.
- Stephen: George Tenet said slam dunk, sir. Slam dunk. Jamma, jamma. Turn, 360!
- Suskind: George doesn’t actually remember saying “slam dunk” – that’s in the book…
- Stephen: That’s because they wiped his mind when he left the CIA. Do you not watch Mission Impossible?
Fangirl Suit Report: Silver-gray striped suit. Lilac shirt with French cuffs. Periwinkle blue tie with square dot pattern.
Full set of screencaps at WonkyEar.com
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