Episode 2066 (05/17/2006)

“I’m America’s Dairy Queen, giving you the soft serve news coated in the crunchy shell of opinion. Do you want Truth on that? This is The Colbert Report!

F.D.RRRGH: A new Regan dime? Boycotting the FDR dime. Republicans criticize Bush immigration proposals.

The Wørd: Democrats

Teddy Bared: Better Know A President (Part 1 of 43) – President 26: The Fightin’ Roosevelt, featuring Theodore Roosevelt.

Alter Topped: Jonathan Alter, Newsweek journalist and author – ‘The Defining Moment’

Guest Plug:

In closing: Remember, America, my boycott of Vitamin C begins tonight. We are falling dangerously behind China in our contraction of scurvy.


  • I am so tired. I could not sleep a wink last night. I am worried about Eliot Yemin. He was not at his best on American Idol last night. Hang in there, buddy.
  • You heard them – Americans are clamoring for it! I could barely hear the commercial over all the clamoring.
  • I already put Regan’s image on all my money.
  • Taping The Gipper to money can only suffice for so long. Besides, the snack machine in the office keeps spitting this one out.
  • All FDR’s New Deal created was a social security time bomb and a bunch of Do-Nothing dams.
  • If Regan had been President during The Depression, his New Deal With It plan would have taught America’s unemployed to pull themselves up by their own boot straps once they had finished eating the rest of the boot for dinner.
  • He would have created a nationwide unemployment program, but he would have immediately scolded the welfare queens for taking advantage of it.
  • Evidently rode away on a horse at the end of that chat. He was a cowboy.
  • FDR started the March of Dimes to aid the cause of polio. Now we need a new March of Dimes to cure the nation of our FDR dimes.
  • Tonight we are passing a collection plate through the audience and I want everyone to give me their dimes. I’ll wait. [One audience member finding a plateful of dimes in his pockets.] Thank you, citizen.
  • I will use those FDR dimes to buy new Regan dimes at the introductory price of just $10 each.
  • I promise that the benefit of this purchase will trickle down to all of you.
  • There was one surprise – those were all Republicans. Bad move, you guys. You’re acting like, well, like something terrible. What’s a terrible word? Democrats.
  • Democrats pride themselves on their diversity. [The (Permanent) Minority Party] Their feminists, their Hispanics, Animal Rights activists, union members, homosexuals, and African-Americans. [And One Gay Black Hippie Teamster Named Maria]
  • Of course, from that many backgrounds come equally many opinions [A Thousand Points of View] which is why they can’t seem to agree on anything. [Except Which Foot to Shoot in November] while Republicans have worked hard in moving together in lock step. [United Even When Indicted]
  • But now, they are so torn over this issue that Senate Majority leader Bill Frisk has publicly supported both force deportation and a guest worker program. [Man Divided Against Himself Cannot Run]
  • President Bush tried to please both sides in his speech. [On Fence About Fence]
  • Sadly, he pleased neither. [Can’t Please 29% Of The People All The Time]
  • Republicans need to remember there’s one thing they can all agree on – [They Never Met Jack Abramoff?] They want illegals out of the country. [Take Abramoff with You]
  • Except for Christian conservatives like Focus on the Family founder James Dobson who has threatened to withhold support if the party doesn’t do more to oppose same sex marriage, obscenity, and abortion. [Prayola]
  • There are also fiscal conservatives like Mort Zuckerman of US News and World Report, a Republican who opposes making tax cuts permanent. [Like a Rabbi Opposing Bagels]
  • And, of course, there are Senators John McCain and Chuck Hagel who oppose anything that the Republican Party is for. [When There’s A Camera Around]
  • Republicans, why are you doing this? Just stop it. You’ve always been so good at just speaking with a single voice. [Without a Trace of an Accent.]
  • You are not the party of special interest groups. Your the group that says your interests are special for everybody – the group that gets poor people in trailer parks to support tax cuts for the rich. And wealthy gay Republicans to oppose marriage for themselves. [“We Don’t Need Our Kind Around Us.”]
  • Save squabbling for after the election. [And Concession Speeches]
  • While you’re going every which way like a bunch of Democrats with your heads cut off, the Democrats are poised to retake Congress with a single unified message [“We’re Not Republicans”]
  • Presidents are a diverse group of Christian white men who average 6 feet tall. (*whispering* And who are all Masons.)
  • So let’s start at the natural starting point for this series, President number 26. Theodore Roosevelt. The Fightin’ Roosevelt.
  • He became the youngest man ever elected to the New York Assembly. Two years later, he left to follow his dream of living on a Western ranch, making him the first President to pretend to be a cowboy, inspiring future leaders like Ronald Regan, George W. Bush, and Richard Nixon.
  • Roosevelt fought the Spanish-American war with the 1st US Volunteer Cavalry Regiment, the famed Rough Riders who, along with the Lifestyles Regiment and the Trojan Platoon, created a reservoir tip of defense around the Gulf of Boto Bono.
  • The toys were named in honor of President Roosevelt when, during a hunt, he refused to shoot an old female bear tied to a tree. After that act of appeasement, this bear went on to shoot Archduke Ferdinand, thus igniting World War I. Thanks a lot, Teddy.
  • Historians note that this [Panama Canal] was his Plan B after his proposed Daytona to Seattle Canal was stalled in Congress.
  • And how can we learn more about the man behind the pince-nez? I recently sat down with Mr. Roosevelt in turn of the century New York
  • How many animals have you mounted?
  • What was your favorite animal to mount?
  • After the tragic death of President McKinley, which made you President, where did you have him stuffed and mounted?
  • The Spanish-American War: Great war of imperialism or the greatest war of imperialism?
  • What’s the exit strategy in Cuba?
  • You said the war would pay for itself in fruit baskets. You said that our soldiers would march in the streets of Havana and people would shower them with bananas and cigars. That didn’t happen. Would you like to look into the camera and apologize to the American people?
  • How are we supposed to teach children industry, Sir? If we do not keep them occupied, they will just fritter away their days playing hoop-and-stick. Hoop-and-stick, Sir!
    • TR: I propose a minimum wage.
    • SC: Excuse me?
    • TR: A minimum wage.
    • SC: What’s a ‘minimum wage’?
  • Speaking of Bull-Moose, your niece Elenore… woof! Tie a plow to that mule. Strong in the haunches.
  • Don’t miss our next installment – a touching portrayal of Lyndon Baines Johnson entitled “Touched by a Johnson.”
  • I love screaming at my guests.
  • Everyone says “FDR saved us from The Depression.” Didn’t Hitler really save us from The Depression? His ideas were so bad that he got us into a war and we had to go fight him and that got the War Machine going.
  • Isn’t that what George Bush is doing right now? Isn’t he our FDR? Let’s face it, you’ve got us in a war, you’ve got economic hard times, you’ve got economic prosperity, and Bush is just like that but reverse the order a little.
  • That’s the first thing you’ve said that I’ve liked about the guy. You’re saying he didn’t over think problems.

Fangirl Suit Report: Charcoal gray pinstripe suit. White shirt with French cuffs. Light magenta tie with thin white stripe.

Full set of screencaps at WonkyEar.com


  1. Hey! do you know where one can find that altered picture of the bear shooting Archduke Franz Ferdinand? That was f**ing hilarious.

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