Episode 2057 (05/02/2006)

“I bring you the unvarnished truth, though it’s lightly stained and buffed with a Danish oil. This is The Colbert Report!

Girth of a Nation: David Blane is living in a snow globe. Governor Huckabee and others call for America to eat better.

The Wørd: Healthy Appetite

Immigrant Throng: Yesterday was A Day Without Immigrants. Stephen’s Audition Tape for White House Press Secretary.

I Stomach Huckabee: Mike Huckabee, Governor of Arkansas, author – ‘Quit Digging Your Grave With a Knife and Fork’

Guest Plug:

In closing: If you’d like a transcript of tonight’s show, get to typing. No free rides.


  • You may be loud, but you take me to still, quiet place inside.
  • Ate my lunch out in Lincoln Center today and saw something that scared the bejesus out of me.
  • The man is living in a snow globe. Much scarier in person than all the times I’ve dreamed about it.
  • He’s spending a week in 2,000 gallons of salt water trying to prove once and for all that mankind is capable of watching anything.
  • Most magicians won’t reveal their secrets, but this is what Blane said before being submerged. “I have a catheter in case I have to do No. 1, but I don’t intend on doing anything else.” That’s right, ladies and gentlemen, Magic!
  • He dropped one hundred ten pounds – he lost Kelly Ripa.
  • I’ve got problems with leaders telling me what to do. I don’t want someone shoving his views down my throat unless their covered in a crunch candy shell.
  • Whenever I drink a Mountain Dew I parachute out of a bi-plane, land on a snowboard and jump over an alligator pit. Heck of a workout. You doctors should know that. [First, Dew No Harm]
  • If every kid in America buys one less soda, say a Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper, it will create a ripple effect on the American work force. [Jiggle-Down Economics]
  • Bottlers won’t bottle, carbonators won’t carbonate, distributors won’t distributate.
  • It hurts the little guys: the cherry pickers [Sodium Benzoate Producers], vanilla extractors [Sodium Benzoate Distributors], even the medical community. [Studying Long Term Effects of Sodium Benzoate]
  • And what are all those unemployed people going to do? [Be Replaced by Immigrants]
  • They sit on the couch, watch TV and get fat. It’s a vicious cycle. [A Domino’s Effect]
  • Obesity isn’t something to shy away from. It’s something to be embraced. [If You Can Get Your Arms Around It]
  • We don’t need economic growth. We need economic obesity. [Bottom Line = Waistline]
  • Overweight people buy bigger clothes, using more fabric, which means giving work to our nation’s struggling sweatshop workers. [The Invisible Filipino Hands of the Market]
  • These portly patriots don’t like walking places which is good news for the nation’s automobile manufacturers because bigger drivers mean bigger cars. [Fatty-Fatty Four-by-Fours]
  • Bigger cars mean more gas and more room for feel good bumper stickers [“My Other Car Is A Wienermobile”]
  • Without full figure fellows, the multi-million dollar diet and exercise industry would collapse. Just imagine the repercussions. [“Cosmo” Now Entirely About Sex Positions]
  • Without our hefty heroes there would be no songs about fat bottomed girls or lovely lady lumps. [And Operas Would Never End]
  • It would be the final nail in the coffin of America’s proud “Yo mama” joke industry. [Mexico’s “Tu Madre” Industry Catching Up]
  • Have your cake and eat it too. In fact, eat your friend’s cake. You’re helping our nation’s bakers because getting fat is the only way to keep the economy healthy.
  • I had a really weird day yesterday. Most of my staff didn’t show up; my maid, my driver, il mio avocato.
  • A day for illegal immigrants to hold terrifying parades. Look at them. Not a float in sight. Not one waving beauty queen.
  • After the show I had to drive my self home, undress myself, and make my own dinner. You know what? I’m not a bad cook. I make a mean bowl of Special-K. I never felt so empowered.
  • I’m glad Consuela is back to help clean up the kitchen. I cannot believe how many pots and pans it takes to make a bowl of Special-K.
  • I was pretty disappointed when Tony Snow was named White House Press Secretary. I really wanted that job. I was a finalist. I didn’t hear anything official, but I’m pretty sure I’m the only one who made an audition tape.
  • I spent a lot of money making the thing and my accountant, Hernando, and welcome back, mi amigo, says the only way to make it ‘taxos deductabal’ is to put it on the show.
  • From Press Secretary Audition Tape:
    • I have a brief statement: the press is destroying America.
    • *The “Gannon” botton*
    • What are you going to do to me, Helen? Ask me for a recepe?
    • *Helen Thomas as ‘stalker’*
  • She chained me to a radiator in her basement. Not that I’m complaining.
  • That’s very disappointing. I thought you were going to say something easier like Trim-spa or Chrystal Meth.
  • The last chapter ends the same way for all of us.
  • How did you give up that Southern food – I grew up in South Carolina and there is nothing that they will not dip in batter and deep fat fry.
  • Sugar, Fat, Salt, all fried and then salted and then sugared.
  • I’ll tell you why I don’t like this – we have got to fix Social Security. Best way to do it is to just deep fat fry this book and eat it.
  • If I read this and follow your advice, can I get down to my target weight of 110?
  • Governor: Oh, I thought you were already there.
  • Stephen: No, just my neck. The rest of me is a little pudgy.
  • Governor: How big would that super big gulp be? Would that be like a 300 oz soft drink?
  • Stephen: You need to wear water wings.
  • Governor: Is that what David Blane is floating in out there?
  • I stay off of exercise. I’m afraid I’ll injure myself for future exercise I plan to do. I have to stay healthy for that.
  • Speaking of running, you running for President in 2008? Declare. Declare right now. King maker, right here.
  • Gov: If you run as my running mate, Stephen, we could change America.

Fangirl Suit Report: Light gray suit. Pink shirt with beveled cuffs. Blue on sapphire dot pattern tie.

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