“I’ve been yelling this in the mirror all week: This is The Colbert Report!“
Water Into Whine: The Nation boycotts the dime. Easter 2007 Under Attack. On Notice Board.
Special Guest: Ric Ocasek, Colbert Report Resident Limnologist.
Quake Up, San Francisco: Was It Really That Bad? – The San Francisco Earthquake
Mohammed, Mo’ Problems: Reza Aslan, Muslim scholar, author – ‘No God But God’
In closing: The Craziest F#?king Thing I’ve Ever Heard – eye glasses for flies.
- One Hundred years ago tomorrow, San Francisco was destroyed by an earthquake, and the damn hippies have been doing it ever since.
- I just picked up your love on my Colbert-dar.
- If I know the Colbert Nation, you’ve already sent off not only your tax returns, but your threatening letters to the General Accounting Office protesting the idea of tax income at all.
- We’ll never get the big government gorilla off our back as long as we keep feeding the money monkey with our banana bucks. And then he’ll just throw his fiscal feces at us.
- I can take this monkey metaphor as long as I need to.
- “Taxes are the dues we pay for the membership in an organized society. That sick *bleep* was Franklin Delenore Roosevelt. And somehow his head ended up on our dimes. I don’t get it. President or not, I refuse to honor a tax loving cripple. Mental!! Hear me out. No! Hear me out. Give me a fair shake here, folks.
- Mental cripple. Physically, President Roosevelt was disabled and had the courage to hide it.
- No more dimes for me. Or you. We are boycotting the dime here at the Nation.
- If you need 10 cents, use 2 nickels. You give 10 pennies. Or give someone a quarter and ask for 15 cents back. A lot of ways to skin this cat.
- You’re going to have a lot more change and yes, that does give you ‘heavy pocket’ but, I think making this point is worth having lumpy trousers.
- I spent my week off catching up on my issues of ‘The Journal of Paleolimnology.’ There’s no better source for the latest research on acient fresh, saline, and brackish bodies of water. It’s a gripping read.
- The journal is not to be confuse with ‘Paleolimnology Today’ [Magazine cover with picture of 'Brangelina' and caption "Will Brangelina give birth in an ancient lake?"] That is a rag.
- Evidently, a couple of renegade paleolimnologists are saying that Jesus may not have been walking on water, but due to some cold snap in Judea – happens all the time – he may have just been walking on a chunk of ice that was floating in the water.
- Once again, scientists are telling us what may have happened. If they had any balls they would just say “this is what did happen” with or without evidence. That’s what the bible does. And it’s the best selling book of all time.
- They launched this assault on Jesus’ magic powers right around easter. Hey, if he couldn’t walk on water, I guess his chances of rising from the dead are pretty slim too.
- That’s why, even though it’s 364 days away, I am ready to declare Easter 2007 Under Attack.
- As Jesus himself might have said, this article is meschugga.
- Get your bibles out. They’re under your chairs there. Turn to Mathew chapter 14, verse 25. I’ll wait until you’re there. Take your time. Just doing a TV show, that’s all.
- “In the fourth watch of the night, Jesus went unto them walking on the sea.” Checkmate, Science.
- Even if they are right, have you ever tried walking on a floating block of ice? In sandals? That’s a miracle in and of itself.
- I am canceling my subscription to ‘The Journal of Paleolimnology’ and I encourage everyone to do the same.
- No scientist is going to tell me who can and can’t walk on water, especially when I’ve got visual proof it’s possible. Roll it, Jimmy. [Shows video of The Cars "Magic"]
- There is Ric Ocasek clearly walking on water. Those other people are just falling in. It has to be real.
- Stephen:Were you really walking on water?
- Ric: Well, I really felt like it.
- Stephen: O.K. Now, you weren’t standing on ice?
- Ric: No, No. It was far too hot.
- Stephen: That’s a good point. Let’s check that out. Roll that tape once more, there. It’s clearly a hot day. That’s Southern Californ… look, right there. You don’t wear shredded T-shirts if it’s below freezing. So Rick, in your opinion, did Jesus walk on water?
- Ric: Well, I’d give him the benefit of the doubt.
- Stephen: That’s called faith, folks. Now, just for the record, did you do any videos where you came back from the dead?
- Ric: Well, there was an old woman in the ‘Shake It Up’ video who ended up looking like a hot girl so I say that’s some sort of re-birth.
- Stephen: That’s all the proof I need. Journal of Paleolimnology, never thought I would say this, but you are on notice.
- In honor of Easter, we’ll take down Fabergé Eggs. Say Ric, you want to do the honors?
- That’s gotta sting!
- Stephen: Rick, anyone you want to put on notice?
- Ric: How about Todd Rundgren?
- Stephen: I’m not sure if I’ve got him here. I’ve got J Geils Band – do you want to… Oh, here we go. Todd Rundgren.
- Let’s take off ‘Business Casual.’ Nation, This Friday you may free ball it.
- There you go, Todd Rundgren. How’s that taste?
- Twenty Eight thousand buildings and 500 city blocks destroyed. Four days of fire. More than 3,000 people killed and 200,000 people left homeless. But we at The Report have to ask – Was it really that bad?
- Come on, San Francisco is still there – with its trade mark movie chase scene streets, its peasoup fog, and its infuriatingly unapologetic homosexuals.
- With out modern science, the people of 1906 San Francisco were blissfully ignorant of the coming disaster. In this respect, the San Francisco Earthquake is a vast improvement over bird flu.
- Before 1906 no one knew why so many quakes occurred in Northern California. But thanks to years of geological research we now know they are called by extremely powerful drum circles. Then, from the cracks in the earth, the patchouli is released.
- When ever people call it an earthquake, I say No. It’s an opportunity quake.
- Rich and poor were thrown together in refugee camps, along with different ethnic groups like the Chinese and the Italians. And thus, the rice met the roni and a delicious side dish was born.
- At least it wasn’t in the age of the 24 hour news. When the big one hits modern day San Francisco, they’ll have to deal with devastation, fire, and Anderson Cooper.
- We already have our graphics ready for the follow up to ‘Was It Really That Bad.’ It’s a new report called “Can You Believe How Unbelievably Terrible That Was?”
- San Franciscans, enjoy your grande latte politically correct alternative lifestyle sourdough bread while you can. But don’t forget to wait an hour before you swim back to the mainland.
- A hundred years has passed since the quake and because comedy = tragedy + time, we can finally joke about it.
- Knock, Knock.
- Who’s there?
- The San Francisco Earthquake of 1906
- The San Francisco Earthquake of 1906 who?
- The San Francisco Earthquake of 1906 killed 3,000 people. [pause] Maybe too soon.
- Stephen: Mr. Aslan, thank you for coming on the show.
- Reza: Thanks for having me. Happy Easter.
- Stephen: Thank you very much. And happy… are you a Christian?
- Reza: I am a Muslim.
- Stephen: You’re a Muslim. Is there anything you’re celebrating right now?
- Reza: Um, Easter. We paint eggs and stuff ourselves full of candy.
- Stephen: Do you really?
- Reza. No, no we don’t.
- Stephen: So you’re not like Jewish people do with the Chanukah bush?
- Reza: No.
- Stephen: You should think about it. Easter’s great.
- Reza: I’ll remember that.
- Stephen: It’s fantastic. You celebrate the resurrection of the One True Lord.
- Reza: Oh, right. Which Lord?
- Stephen: Jesus. God from God, Light from Light, True God from True God. Begotten, not made. One in Being with The Father.
- Reza: Oh, yea, yea. Jesus.
- Stephen: You’ve heard of him?
- Reza: I’ve seen the movie.
- Stephen: [almost starts laughing] How many… really? That’s why Gibson made it.
- So Luther is Ben Ladin. I knew there was a reason I didn’t like him.
- I think that’s where you guys have gone wrong. I think you should get yourselves one. I think, really, it would help… I know you’ve got your own internal problems and everything, but in terms of marketing this thing, I think nomenclature is part of your problems here….
- [O.K. Reza is a complete fan-boy at this point]
- I think just for the time being, you can believe what you want, think what you want, but instead of saying Koran, just say Bible. Instead of saying Mohamed just say Jesus, O.K.? Instead of saying Ayatollah just say Pope, all right? Just until this thing settles down.
- By the way, I don’t know if you move with Salman Rushdie, but if you want to move some books tonight, say something unforgivable. Come on, we’ll make big news, we’ll move some paper.
- Reza: Invite me back and I’ll say something inflammatory.
- This is not some Photo-Shop mock up. This is a real picture from an electron microscope. They used lasers to build a tiny pair of glasses and put them on a common housefly, creating some unholy hybrid of invertebrate anthropoid and nerd.
- Giving a housefly glasses is like giving a bear nunchucks.
- Just because of the style, I’ll never be able to look at Elvis Costello the same way again.
- Now, I’ve seen fire and I’ve seen rain but glasses on a fly? That’s the craziest f#?king thing thing I’ve ever heard.
- I promise I’ll never leave you alone for a week again, unless I get another week off.
Fangirl Suit Report: Charcoal gray pencil stripe suit. White shirt with French Cuffs. Light blue silk tie.
Full set of screencaps at WonkyEar.com