Episode 2030 (03/08/2006)

“Focus on the spot on the wall and breath over the contractions. This truth’s coming out head first. This is The Colbert Report!

Mortgaging Our Future: Colbert Family Ties to Sir Benjamin Slade. Federal Enron Case Doesn’t Hold Water. Monopoly’s 73rd Anniversary.

The Wørd: Monoply

Oiling Point: Stephen’s Sound Advice – Civil War Do’s & Don’ts

  • Do Color-Code Uniforms
  • Do Document Uniforms
  • Do Have Famous Generals
  • Do Write Love Letters
  • Don’t Go To The Theatre

Webb Hosted: James Webb Jr., Candidate for U.S. Senate (D-Va) and former Secretary of the Navy

In closing: Special offer: Own a flag flown over ‘Report’ Headquarters!
“Remember, these colors don’t run nor do they pay their own shipping and handling. No C.O.D.s.”


  • Sometimes, folks, sometimes I think you give too much.
  • I don’t want to harp on this, but I’m worried someone very important to me is about to make a terrible mistake. I’m referring to English aristocrat Sir Benjamin Julian Alfred Slade who, as I said yesterday, is seeking an heir for his $13,000,000 country estate.
  • Sir Slade, let me repeat my entreaty. I am the man for whom thou doth seek. First of all, I’m prepared to replace all my ‘s’-s with ‘th’-ths.
  • Oh, look at those gables. I would totally wuther those heights.
  • I’m starting to worry that Sir Slade will fall victim to a host of Mountebanks, rakes, and unscrupled jack-abouts.
  • A blue collar Baron? Have we already forgotten the disastrous reign of King Ralph?
  • I know that DNA tests prove that he is your blood relative, but he is not alone. Perhaps in the dark watches of the night you’ve heard whisper of the infamous Slade bastard, the rightful heir wrongly stripped of his birthright. It’s a sordid tale of you twice great uncle Sir Samuel Finneus Cadbury Cream Egg Slade and his secret dalience with a slatternly tavern wench by the name of Delila Colberington. Pregnant with the Baron’s child she was shipped off to France where, for her own protection, she shortened her name to Colbert. Nine months later a child was born, my thrice great grandfather who, legend has it, still holds the French record for the largest balls at birth. Oh, what a painful delivery that was.
  • Something to think about Sir Slade… or should I say ‘cousin’? You will be receiving a posting from my barrister.
  • In this kangaroo court, the United States government wants to put former Enron execs Jeffery Skilling and Ken Lay in jail. But their case is falling apart. First of all, the prosecution is trying to nail Skilling because he said in 2001 to a co-worker quote “They’re on to us.”
  • At first glance that sounds pretty damning but during cross-examination, Skilling’s lawyer asked the witness if it was possible that when Skilling said “they’re on to us” he was being sarcastic to which the witness, Kevin P. Hannon, said quote “Anything’s possible.”
  • Yes! Open and shut. In your face, federal prosecutors. He was just being sarcastic – think about it. Sarcasm is when you mean the opposite of what you are saying, like “I’m so proud of you, Son.” Skilling didn’t think they were on to him. Clearly he thought they were not on to him. For God’s sake, they were laundering money through off-shore accounts and dumping millions of dollars in stock right before the company collapsed. You don’t do that when you think they’re on to you.
  • Sorry, case doesn’t hold together. President Bush, you may safely re-embrace your old friends. Court adjourned.
  • I’m a bit of a history buff – I like to put the news in a historical perspective. But history is more than just battles, Presidents, and the contribution of enslaved peoples to the development of the banjo. It’s also about the games we play and this week marks the 70th anniversary of the one America loves best.
  • I like being the thimble.
  • 73 years on, the popular Parker Brother’s game is still America’s favorite. [Sorry, “Sorry!”]
  • Monopoly’s taught generations about the glories of free enterprise and it’s given our children a vital working knowledge of the streets of Atlantic City. [Beats Going There]
  • This year is an especially significant anniversary because we are not just celebrating the board game Monopoly, we’re also celebrating the resurgence of the corporate monopoly. [Boardroom Games]
  • AT&T played an interesting game this week. In a major step towards reforming the original Ma Bell they gobbled up Bell South. [Like Hungry Hungry Hippos]
  • In much the same way, Mobile and Exxon moved much closer to the glory days of Standard Oil by merging into Exxon-Mobile. [Exxon Mobile *as scrabble pieces* 28 Points!
  • Market forces are going to make these monolithic corporations reform no matter how hard the Securities Exchange Commission may try to stop them. [A Trivial Pursuit]
  • Folks, that’s a good thing. This country was built by monopolies – the steel trust, the railroad trust, the oil trust… know what they all have in common? [Robber Barons?] I’ll give you a hint: it’s the word trust.
  • You can trust a monopoly because they’re not distracted by competition. [They Like to Play Solitaire]
  • And, because they’re vertically integrated [Like Jenga] their costs are lower and they can pass those savings on to consumers. [Can, But Don’t]
  • Some say that monopolies’ lack of competition kills innovation [In The Conservatory with the Candlestick] but you know, too much innovation is just confusing. [Boggles the Mind]
  • Fact is, monopolies give us convenience and consistency. It’s nice to know you can walk into a Wal-Mart anywhere in the country and find the same things. [A Non-Union Cleaning Crew Locked in Overnight]
  • Of course the more conglomeration we have the more little guys may go bankrupt. [“You Sunk My Battleship!”] But folks, that’s what happens when you land on a monopoly.
  • I’ll say it again – if it’s a civil war, by definition we’re not involved. All those people who said Bush didn’t have an exit strategy – I think you owe him an apology.
  • Do color-code your uniforms. In the heat of battle it’s hard to tell the difference between people who believe the first 4 kaliphs rightfully took the place of Mohamed upon his ascension into heaven and those who believe the rightful line of succession rests with the heirs of Ali – Mohamed’s son-in-law.
  • Pick any two colors, except blue or gray. Those are taken. Besides, you probably want to pick something that blends in a little bit better with sand. I suggest tan and slightly darker tan.
  • Do take lots of pictures of yourself to provide detailed historical documentation for future Iraq civil war reenactors. this may not seem like much fun now but in 150 years, if the war is over by then, it will be a great thing to do on Saturdays.
  • Do have famous generals. You’ll need at least 8 memorable figures on each side to make a proper Iraqi Civil War chess set. And remember, religious extremists, they can’t all be Bishops. I assume you’ll have no trouble finding pawns. [insert of a suicide bomber]
  • *audience ‘ahhhhhs’* Suicide bomber fans out there? My apologies.
  • Do write love letters to your girl back home and tell her to keep them in a sealed shoe box along with tapes of your favorite period music. That way, future Iraqis will be able to remember you like this: “My dearest Faresa, the winter has been cold and the falafel supplies are dwindling. How I wish I could be back with you in Karbola. Damn the Zionists for fomenting this war. Your beloved, Faid.”
  • This last one is specific to Iraqi President Jalal Talabani – don’t go to the theater. I don’t care how funny they say it is.
  • Follow my advice, Sunnis and Shias, and you’ll have a civil war you can be proud of. Well, at least the winners. The loosers will hold a grudge for about a thousand years.
  • Freedom Fact (FRACT): The band America had two #1 hits: “A Horse With No Name” and “Sister Golden Hair.” Yet more proof that everything American rocks.
  • Why would you run for Senate? Do not enough people attack your character now?
  • The only reason I watch the news is to yell at the screen. It warms up my vocal chords before I come out here.
  • You think the parties change around you? You’re the hub and everything revolves around you – pretty egotistical there, Mr. Webb.
  • Now, with that applause, they’re just encouraging me to nail you. But I’m not going to do it. I won’t give into their blood lust.
  • *Nice to see Webb genuinely laugh out loud*
  • You weren’t one of those swift boat guys, were you? Because I understand that none of them can get elected.
  • As someone who has been to war do you feel that you know more about war than I do just because I haven’t been to war? Because that would mean you know more about war than the President.
  • But we’re not an occupying power – we’re a liberating power. Or don’t you read the newspapers.
  • Zogby also said Kerry would win, by the way, so I don’t know if we can trust him.
  • So, you’d rather see the Iraqi people under Sadam – Sadam is good to you. I’m just saying that’s what you just said.
  • O.K. I don’t feel like I won that round so I’d like to skip it…
  • You’ve actually written a movie – which is called “Whiskey River” which is being made by Rob Reiner… doesn’t that make you a Hollywood Liberal Elite – haven’t you gone Hollywood? Don’t you have lunch with Barbara Streisand now?
  • If you win this primary, you go up against George Allen, right? Who, I understand – and this is a positive – is as dumb as a post. And, not my words and I hope Mr. Allen takes that in the best possible way because I’m no fan of intellectuals.
  • Stephen: If you beat him, you could just free him up to run for President. You could be doing him a favor.
    Webb: Well, he could decide to do that early and I could go along with that too.
  • If you decide to support our troops again, let us know.
  • As you know, patriotism is very important to us here at The Report. Every morning, rain of shine, I get my crew to run a fresh flag up the pole outside The Colbert Report Headquarters.
  • I like to replace Old Glory everyday – there’s nothing like the crisp snap of a brand new flag – same reason I put on a fresh shirt during every commercial break.
  • Of course this means I have quite a mound of used flags piling up against the fire exit. Well, our storage issue just became your lucky day. Because tonight I am proud to make you this exclusive offer. For a limited time, which means this offer is only good while time still exists, you can own an American Flag that actually flew over The Colbert Report.
  • These beauties need a home and supplies are limited so go to ColbertNation.com and order one now. And as an added bonus, I’ve wrapped myself in each and every one of them. [*the photo of Stephen in black socks and a flag in front of the fire.*]
  • At no point did it touch the ground and I am wearing boxers.
  • Act fast because I am personally preparing the first 10 shipments. [places a flag in a box] There you go.

Fangirl Suit Report: Charcoal gray pinstripe suit, Lilac shirt with barrel cuffs, God tie with small violet square dot pattern.

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