“Sometimes it takes a crazy person to see the Truth; if that’s true, then I’m a freaking lunatic. This is The Colbert Report!“
State of the Union 76: Birth Reports. Newsweek’s ‘Golden Corner.’ President’s Promises Freedom from Foreign Oil Dependence.
The Wørd:Metaphorically
Scandal-navia: Threat Down -
- 5: Newspapers!
- 4: iPods!
- 3: Tunneling!
- 2: Tolerance!
- 1: Killer Bees!
Boxer Day: Senator Barbara Boxed of California, author: ‘A Time to Run’
Guest Plug:
In closing: This is the end of the show, but my outrage? To be continued.
NOTABLE MOMENTS
- Those of you who tune in early to ‘The Report’ and wind up sitting through ‘The Daily Show’ may have noticed it was a rerun tonight.
- I love this idea of taking a day off when your child is born. I wish I’d thought of that when I was a young, hungry investigative reporter at WPTS in Patterson Springs, North Carolina
- *clip of Colbert standing in scrubs with woman in delivery clutching his arm, dated November 17, 1989*
- And now the medical industrial complex wants us to believe we can’t give birth without these epidurals. Hey, when I do squats at the gym they don’t shoot a pain killer into my spine. And the Lamaze Cabal are out of control. Do we really need a so called expert to tell us how to breath now?
- We have changed the media!
- You may recall that for years now Newsweek magazine has not had a picture of me on the cover. Well, now it does. Take a look, right up there.
- Now the cover story here is some fluff piece about Iranian President Mahmud Ahmadinejad – something about a nuclear weapons program.
- My story is featured right up here is what we in the news biz call ‘The Golden Corner.’
- Biggest stories in history are all broken right here in the upper right hand corner.
- *examples of Newsweek covers*:
- 1975 Corner: Siagon Falls, Minh Surrenders to Vietcong / Cover: Inside the Omelette Craze!
- 1981 Corner: Reagan Shot: Condition Critical / Cover: Meet the Solid Gold Dancers
- February 1933 Corner: Adolph Hitler: Call Me Fuhrer! / Cover: Zippers: Here to Stay!
- I don’t read any stories about that country since they took our hostages. Let them go! It’s day 9581! Am I the only one who still cares.
- I have it [State of the Union Address] on his iPod shuffle. Even out of order it is so full of hope.
- Turns out, not everyone understood the President’s pledge.
- His Energy Secretary and National Economic Advisor said the President did not mean it literally.
- Any poet will tell you that words like President Bush’s are the sugar spun stuff of dreams. He’s the political William Carlos William and he’s a master with such literary essentials such as metaphors, [Saddam=Osama] fables, ["Elected" in 2000] and knock-knock jokes. [Orange You Glad There's a 22nd Amendment?]
- Bush is following in the footsteps of his favorite political philosopher – [Toby Keith?] Jesus.
- Jesus said it is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter heaven. That doesn’t make any sense at all. [To Rich People]
- Like Jesus, sometimes it is difficult to understand the President. There is one difference between President Bush and Jesus. [It's a Big One]
- When Bush speaks, Bodeman can interpret his words. [Bush Whisperer]
- Bush is speaking to us as simply as he can about truths we can’t understand because they are too enormous. [Like Exxon's Profits]
- We can understand “we need to reduce our dependence on foreign oil.” What we can’t understand is why we won’t even try. [Literally]
- Newspapers – if you really want to save paper, stop printing. Let’s face it – print is dead. Might as well get your news off a stone tablet.
- I’m considering a lawsuit over the video iPod. Nowhere does it say I shouldn’t duct-tape the player to the bill of a baseball cap so I can watch Toby Keith videos while I’m driving. Apple – this is irresponsible but I am willing to settle out of court.
- It seems that our enemies are in league with the molemen. Now what gets me here is that the molemen are supposed t be peaceful creatures. Superman defended them against an angry mob of townsfolk who feared that which they could not understand.
- I’ve got it – it’s the Chud, which I don’t need to tell you are the cannibalistic humanoid underground dwellers. Chud: now you’ve gone too far.
- Tolerance is just a $10 word for weakness.
- They tolerate a diverse immigrant population, they tolerate their cartoonists who insult the large Muslim section of that population – cartoons that we are not showing on the ethical grounds that we are scared to – and apparently Danes tolerate having their consulates burned down.
- You can be as tolerant as you want but, as long as there is one intolerant person left who won’t tolerate your tolerance, you loose.
- The only way to stop this little imbroglio is with a little frontier justice – here it is.
- Hamlet and Hans Christian Anderson eating the little mermaid and a Viking having sex with Queen Margaret. And here’s the kicker – it’s a Norwegian Viking. Take it, Denmark. Now everybody’s even.
- Muslims, you’re welcome.
- If you live in Florida you need to take the following precautions: One, don’t go near flowers; two, beware of Honey Nut Cherios – much like fundamentalist Muslims these killer forms are enraged by cartoon depictions of these. And three – watch out for bears.
- We want honey, Bears want honey. Bees lure us to their nests, kill us, and offer up our carcases to the bears to protect their honey. I’ve seen it happen a thousand times… up here.
- Freedom Fact [FRACT] Many U.S. States like Mississippi, Iowa, Kansas, and Massachussets are named for Native American words or tribes. Thanks for leaving behind something to remember you by!
- President Bush – Great President or Greatest President?
- Stephen: “What did Ali say he was?” Sen. Boxer: “The Greatest” Stephen: “OK, we can edit that in…”
- Sen. Boxer: “On the release form, that said you could do what ever you wanted, when I signed it I added I trust you.” Stephen: “Unfortunately your addendum is not legally binding.”
- He got a big bounce in the polls after the State of the Union. I think he did. I feel he did.
- Is it like at an elementary school play – you have to applaud at the end?
- My understanding is that this is about a sexy, liberal, female Senator who blocks a Supreme Court nominee. Is any of this autobiographical?
- *Senator Boxer grabbing Stephen’s notes from him when he starts reading a sexual passage from the novel and Stephen loosing it*
- Stephen: “I just want to read to adjectives here – long and elegent” Senator Boxer, with fingers in ears: “la la la la la..”
- This is good stuff – this is going to move some paper here!
- this character has an ex-lover… sounds like still lover from this… has an ex-lover who is a conservative neocon journalist. Is that based on O’Reilly?
- Senator Boxer: “It’s a novel. It’s made up.” Stephen: “And some memoirs are also.”
- Do you know what Lincoln’s hobby was? Saving the Union.
- Let me just say that I’m happy with any book that says people “mesh together with ease and grace”
- I highly recommend that people go buy this book because… you’ll get all hot. Come on! We’re trying to sell books here, Senator!
- I’m not disturbed [about the romance in the novel.] I’m excited!
Fangirl Suit Report: Dark gray suit, White/gray stripped shirt with barrel cuffs, Sapphire tie with white medallion pattern.
Full set of screencaps at WonkyEar.com
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