Feb
02
Episode 2016 (02/02/2006)
By
“I just saw my shadow — that means six more weeks of Truth! This is The Colbert Report!“
Men in Tights: Punxsutawney Phil. Justice Alito’s first vote. Stephen’s Five Meat Chili for Superbowl Sunday.
The Wørd: Aggravated Assault
Jarrold-Mandering: Better Know A District (part 12 of 434) – New York’s Fightin’ 8th featuring Rep. Jerrold Nadler.
Whitman Sampler: Christine Todd Whitman, Former Republican Governor of New Jersey. Author – ‘It’s My Party, Too’
Guest Plug:
In closing:
INTERNET COL-BOMB SITE OF THE DAY:www.mypartytoo.com – It’s My Party Too PAC founded by Governor Christin Todd Whitman.
NOTABLE MOMENTS
- No surprise – for the 6th consecutive year Punxsutawney Phil saw his shadow. We have 6 more weeks of winter. So all you global warming climate scientists with your Ph.D.’s seem to know less than a rodent.
- Good luck paying off those student loans.
- Justice Alito, over the last few months we’ve had an understanding – an understanding that you *wink* are not a right wing conservative. And now it turns out you may not be a right wing conservative. We hired you to be Scalito, not Ali-burg.
- The excitement is palpable and I’ve been palpating it for days.
- Around the Colbert Household, Superbowl Sunday means only 1 thing: Stephen’s Famous 5-Meat Chili.
- We all know the classic recipe: Beef, Pork, Lamb, mild sausage, and hot sausage. But I’m a bit of a risk taker. I say once you’ve met your core requirements of beef, pork, and lamb dream big.
- How about Ostrich and Venison? I’ve gone that way. It had sort of a Ted Nugent / Mel Gibson vibe.
- I’ve also tried Yak and Wild Boar. Yak is my only 3 letter meat to date, and with the boar I felt I was doing my part to fight America’s growing feral hog problem.
- I’ve even made 5 meat chili with beef, pork, lamb, rabbit and turducken. That’s when you stuff a chicken inside a duck and stuff that inside a Turkey. But when I added it all up it turned out to be a 7-meat chili and that’s 2 meats too many. We are a nation of laws.
- I went Anderson Cooper’s Superbowl party last year and he served a 12-meat chili and I just got the hell out of there. I’m not into that scene.
- This year I’m doing it all American style: Beef, pork, lamb, buffalo steak and Rocky Mountain oysters. You know what those are: cowboy caviar, swinging beef, Montana tender-groin. You are what you eat, America.
- Sunday at half-time you can find me kickin’ back, diggin’ the Stones, and feasting on bull sack.
- Don’t knock it ’till you’ve tried it.
- This year it’s Pittsburgh versus Seattle. Old economy [Steel] versus new economy. [Internet Porn]
- An East Coast meat-and-potatoes town, all heart, [America's Clogged Right Ventricle] versus a city that calls this a skyscraper. [*picture of the space needle*] How’s a giant monkey supposed to climb that?
- It’s sandwiched dangerously between two Canadas: Canada Canada and Oregon, California’s Canada.
- Save your letters, Oregon. I don’t read anything written on birch bark.
- I lost a bundle on a Seattle based start up right before the bust. My lawyers are not done with you eMandolin.com.
- My money [What's Left of It] is on Pittsburgh.
- No matter who wins this Sunday, the real winners will be the players who win. Champions have a special place in our culture – a place above the law.
- We reward outstanding athletic achievement with a lifetime ‘get out of jail free’ card. [Criminopoly]
- Just look at Kobe Bryant. Now that he’s scored 81 points no one even remembers what he was on trial for. [Racketeering? Something with an "R"]
- You know I love Michael Jordan, but during his prime he routinely got away with highway robbery. [$250 for Sneakers?!]
- A lot of people say letting athletes get away with crime sends the wrong message to our children. [Even Worse Than Spongebob]
- We want to raise math and science scores? Fine – let scientists and mathematicians commit random acts of violence without repercussions. [Unleash Nerd Fury]
- If your kid gets an ‘A’ in physics, let him shoplift. [Swipe a Calculator]
- If he aces the SAT let him pop-a-cap-in-the-ass. [Stephen is Very Street]
- Where can you take in fabulous stage shows, shop at fashionable SoHo boutiques, and gaze up at the Statue of Liberty? The answer of course is New York, New York Casino in Las Vegas.
- It’s home to some of New York’s most picturesquely named neighborhoods such as Hell’s Kitchen, The Meat Packing District, and Hooker Estates.
- In pop culture it’s where the Honeymooners honeymooned, The Warriors warriored, the Friends befriended, and Law and Order Special Victims Unit still special units it’s victims to this day.
- And in one of the most famous scenes in cinema history, King Kong fell off of the 8th districts Empire State building, luckily landing in New York’s neighboring 14th district which had to clean up the mess.
- The average Manhattan apartment goes for about $1-million. This one bedroom is shown here at actual size.
- Many of New York’s most famous landmarks can be found in the 8th including the Brooklyn Bridge, Lady Liberty, and one landmark that has become synonymous with the words ‘freedom’. ‘courage’, and ‘balls’. That’s right – the Colbert Studio complex is right here in the 8th.
- Who can I complain to about the car swallowing pot holes in the street outside the studio?
- I recently sat down with Representative Nadler to find out how he could be so wrong about so many things.
- You introduced a bill to spend 3-hundred million dollars to combat school bullying. Was that bill your idea or did somebody bigger put you up to it?
- Which part of bullying are you most against? The wedgie, the Purple-Nurple, the swirly, the corky, or the rusty-shortcake?
- It’s named the Patriot Act. How bad could it be?
- It is so patriotic that it is actually called the USA Patriot Act. If it had been called the USA Patriot Act of America Love It or Leave It, would you have still voted against it?
- What if they had called it the ‘If You Vote Against the Bill You Are Unpatriotic’ Act? You hate patriotism that much?
- How about the Patriot Prosperity Bill? Of the USA? God Bless It Amen?
- Isn’t it nice to know that someone cares about us enough to keep track of our conversations?
- Nadler: “If it’s my wife or my girlfriend – well, I don’t have a girlfriend..”
- Nadler: “Well, the President is not my wife.” Stephen: “Is he your girlfriend?”
- You are a member of the NAACP and the National Organization for Women. Are you a black, a woman, or a black woman?
- How about your girlfriend? Is she a black woman?
- Did you ever get the nick-name ‘Nads’? I’m known for my balls and you could be known for your nads.
- Thank you for taking the time away from opposing our patriots to talk to me.
- By the way, Congressman Nadler, I wasn’t kidding about those potholes. I hit one this fall with my Audi and cracked the block off my engine mounts. You’ll be getting the bill.
- Colbert nation Poll: Who should we invade for a national morale boost? Canada: 30%, Iceland: 26%, Puerto Rico (Forced Statehood): 44%
- Seems she’s not familiar with the adage “If you can’t say something nice, don’t talk about the President.”
- You are a Northern Moderate Republican. I feel like I’m sitting with a unicorn.
- You say that again and I’ll cut off your mike, Governor.
- God’s on the Republican side right now. Why would you want to chase him out?
- What are the core values you think the Republicans should be holding onto – besides anti-gay, anti-abortion, and anti-separation of church and state? Because those are working right now.
- If you watch tonight’s show on Tivo and skipped the comercials, you stole money from our advertisers. I want you to go back and watch the commercials twice – you’ll sleep better.
Fangirl Suit Report: Dark gray suit, White/gray striped shirt with French cuffs, Plum tie with light purple medallion pattern.
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