Feb
01
Episode 2015 (02/01/2006)
By
“We’ve done forty-six episodes without a lost time accident. This is The Colbert Report!“
A Colbert Report Special Report: The American Worker: A Hero’s Tribute to the Besieged Workers of the American Jobscape
Labor Party!: American Productivity. Colbert Report Staff Introductions.
The Wørd: You’re Welcome
Lieber-al Bias: Debate with Russ Lieber on Minimum Wage.
Emily’s Reason’s Why: Emily Yoffe – Slate.com’s ‘Human Guinea Pig’
In closing: A Frosty Malt Beverage
INTERNET COL-BOMB SITE OF THE DAY:Slate.com Human Guinea Pig
NOTABLE MOMENTS
- I listened to it live during the show with my earpiece, then I watched it on my Tivo when I got home. Then I downloaded it to my iPod and I listened to it this morning while I read it in the paper.
- My legs won’t let me sit when he talks.
- He’s right, Nation – no one can out-produce or out-compete you. All they can do is produce and compete as well as you for a lot less money.
- No applause for the graphics? That’s a big part of tonight’s budget.
- We honor the big shoulders that hold America aloft in our global chicken fight. Those shoulders belong to you – the working men and now, for better or worse, women.
- You’re helping to build this country, one service industry job at a time. We may not have manufacturing anymore, but as long as there are unkempt bikini lines to wax you’ll always have a job.
- Stephen: Bobby is a real salt of the Earth working man. He had no advantages and little or no education. Bobby: Actually, I have a Masters in Public Policy from Penn State. Stephen: But hey, Pennsylvania. That’s Rust Belt. Hard up bringing. Bobby: Actually I grew up in Bethesda, outside of D.C. and my Dad was a lawyer for Health and Human Services.
- There’s my man. That’s um…. that’s uh…. that’s Chief right there. [Shot of cameraman] That’s Big Chief Running the Camera.
- There’s Ace and behind him is Killer. And Killer’s got kids – right Killer? [Killer stares back]
- That guy over there – that’s a sound guy, Billy. ‘Billy’: I’m an audience member. Just an audience member.
- You’re voting for Republicans who give people like me tax cuts. And you know what? I think that’s your way of saying ‘Thank you.’ [You Shouldn't Have]
- In reality we should be thanking you. [But We Aren't]
- You, the working men, are out offensive line. You get pushed down there into the mud [Mud=S#!t] while the star players, the Corporations like Exxon, are racking up the points posting the highest quarterly profits in US history. [Touchdown!]
- And you, you the mighty cogs, here it on the radio driving to a job that doesn’t pay for the gas Exxon sells you. Or give you medical coverage for the health problems you get breathing the gas and those gas fumes.
- In every other Western Country mobs have demanded National Health Care, jibber-jabbering about how ‘my child should get to go to a doctor.’ [Good News, Kids. No Needles!]
- But you know that money is needed to fix the country. [Of Iraq]
- That’s right, Bullet. Thanks to a trillion dollars of your money Iraqis will have the same privileges that you enjoy. [An Elected Theocracy]
- When you hear all that folderol about disappearing pensions and 401K debacles, you stay focused on the things that affect you most – gay marriage.
- Poem for the American Worker: Arise! [Get Up] ye sinewy titans of the river strewn factory floor. [Workers] Arise, and accept your present circumstances, ye whose bulging backs bear the ballast of the American Dream. [You Work Hard]
- Unite! Unite until it is no longer convenient. Raise thy fists to the sky. Then lower it, then raise it again in a smooth continuous motion. [Your Guess is as Good as Mine] and shake loose thy chains [Free Yourselves!] but only if thou works in a chain factory, which you probably don’t. [Chainmaking Now Mostly in China]
- For yea, Brothers, only together can we maintain or increase productivity… and it goes on from there for 12 more quatrains.
- The point is I am here to tell you that your sacrifice will be rewarded [With More Sacrifice] because if you keep sacrificing your benefits long enough and if your wages get low enough we’ll get those jobs back from China. And let me be the fist to say ‘You’re Welcome’
- Stephen: “Subject is minimum wage. I’m against it. Your position – go.” Russ: “I was told we were going to be talking about organic farming.”
- Russ: She and I were stocking root vegetables – it is stew season – she was doing burdock root and I was stocking organic kolhrabi and I just want to take the opportunity here to urge the public to please, stop supporting the big corporate kohlrabi farms. When you eat that you are literally eating a stew of lies. To get back to Cheryl. Stephen, she can’t make ends meet and that’s with a 50% discount on bulk root vegetables. Without minimum wage she’d be living in a tent – I mean, she does anyway. Technically it’s a Yurt. It has a wooden frame.
- Russ: It’s a book and it’s called ‘Raise Your Voice by Raising Your Hand: A non-confrontational dissenter’s guide to fighting back politely!’
- This is the real world, we’re talking about; not one of your folk song, dragon kingdom drum circles.
- Russ: I personally am not willing to trust these mega-corporatzis and these nucleo-death-glomerates to pay people farily just because they should. We need something that benefits all workers, OK? Now the Lieber Legions have a chant: “A higer minimum wage brings all workers to the higher stage.” Everybody do it with me – it’s empowering.
- Stop, Stop, stop. If people don’t want to work for what I’m paying them they don’t have to show up. It’s not slave labor. By the way: Slave Labor, I’m against it. Rebuttal.
- I am not going to sit here and listen to anyone bad mouth our firemen! No way. Sorry, not on my show, Mister. Cut off his mike. I can still hear him – what is that? Is he coming through my mike? Cut off my mike.
- She gets paid to pad her resume, which should come in handy when ‘Slate’ is bought by ‘The Hindustan Times.’
- *Stephen carries lunch box to interview table, stopping on the way to punch his time card.*
- I hope you don’t mind, this is my break. *shaking a carton of milk*
- Oh, it’s on the interweb. OK.
- Emily: “I go to things, jobs… can I give you a hand?” [*Stephen was trying to open the wrong side of the milk carton and Emily opens it for him.*]
- Nothing is more refreshing after 30 minutes of talking than a dairy product. I’m sorry, this is very rude… but go ahead….
- Stephen: “You were a phone psychic? When did you first discover that you had psychic abilities?| Emily: “I predict that you will go after the liberal media sometime in the next month.” Stephen: “Really? We’ll check on that. Do you want half a bologna sandwich?
- Stephen: “Did you make money in any of the jobs you tried?” Emily: “Yes. Nude modeling.” Stephen: “How did that go?”
- I’m at the end of my ‘blue collar’ work day so I’m going to loosen that old tie and enjoy a frosty cold malt beverage. *tries to flick the lid and it goes about 2 inches*
- Don’t know how to do that. Non-alcoholic because I have to drive my foreign car home.
Fangirl Suit Report: Charcoal Gray pin strip suit, Light blue shirt with French Cuffs, Blue, white, and navy striped tie.,
Full set of screencaps at WonkyEar.com
Related posts
