Jan

Episode 2014 (01/31/2006)

By Jennie on January 31st, 2006 ·

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“America, be amazed as I bend this spoon by using the power of my hand. This is The Colbert Report!“

Serious George: State of the Union Address. Academy Award Nominations.

The Wørd: Jesi

Kenye West Superstar: All You Need To Know -

Cheers and Jazeers: David Marash, anchor of Al Jazeera English

In closing: The Craziest F#?king Thing I’ve Ever Heard – Snakes Living with Hamsters.

NOTABLE MOMENTS

Jimmy, pop some Springsteen through this for a moment. Spirit in the night, oh oh,… OK, loud and clear.
The State of the Union address is my Superbowl, March Madness, and the World Ice Dancing Championship rolled into one.
Oh, to see Bush in sequins.
I’m going to be listening to the address during the show, but don’t worry; I can do both.
I can hear Robert Burk clearing his throat. That is a lot of phlegm.
This morning… The President of the United States of America! *stands up, applauding* He just walked in.
I wish I was there to shake his hand!
I got up early this morning to catch the Academy Award Nominations. I know they’re announce at 5am West Coast time but I need about 3 hours to prepare.. He said it! *stands up clapping again* Yes, Sir. He just said the state of the union is strong! I love a President who has the guts to tell us how well he’s doing.
What’s wrong with this list – 4 words: Big Momma’s House Two.
The man who made it number 1? Martin Lawrence. And I’m not alone when I say he’s a great actor. Listen to James Lipton on ‘Inside the Actor’s Studio.’
Lipton:”There’s a memorable scene when Sherri climbs into bed with a half disguised Big Momma during a thunderstorm. *shows clip* That was a tour de force.”
*Stephen Standing and clapping* And this isn’t for the President. This is for James Lipton.
Great actors take great risks. They’re willing to sacrifice their movie star looks to disappear into a role. Think of De Niro in ‘Raging Bull’, Nicole Kidman in ‘The Hours’, Charlize Therone in ‘Monster.’ Martin Lawrence gets snubbed when he gains 200 pounds and gets a sex change operation?

*standing to applaud* Sorry, he just did it again. The President just pointed out Justice Sam Alito’s wife. Evidently she’s sitting next to Laura and I don’t hear her crying. But it’s still early in the speech.
She sounds like she looks radiant. It sounds like Laura’s had some work, though.
I think the should be new rules for the acting categories. If you change your appearance and put on more than 10 pounds of prosthetics you are automatically awarded with a nomination. That goes for Jim Carrey in ‘The Grinch’, Mike Meyers in ‘The Cat in the Hat’, and Steven Segal in ‘Black Dawn.’
Congratulations to all three of them on their retroactive nominations.
The President is going into something about domestic surveillance – none of my business, don’t need to hear about that (takes out earpiece)
Another group of actors the Oscars have snubbed are the actors who play Jesus; from Max von Sydow in ‘The Greatest Story Ever Told’ to the back of this guy’s head in ‘Ben Hur.’
Jesi – as in more than 1 Jesus. [If Only]
Kenye West went on the cover of Rolling Stone Magazine wearing a crown of thorns. I can’t imagine anything more offensive to Christians. [Mayve Darfur?]
Why can’t magazines be tasteful, like the Newsweek cover with Jim Cavezel? People didn’t complain about that. [Except a Certain Chosen People]
With so many Jesi out there, Satan is clearly trying to confuse us, just like when he put those dinosaur bones in the ground. [Hoax-asaurus Rex]

History teaches us that if there is more than 1 of any character the bad one has a goatee. [Picture of Spock's bad twin with goatee.]
Or, in the case of women, she’s a brunette. [Picture of Jeanie's brunette cousin from "I Dream of Jeanie"] and she clearly puts out.
With Jesi it’s harder. Let me put two pictures up here and tell me which one is the good Jesus. [Picture of Jesus from 'South Park' and the Lion from 'Narnia']
If you picked the one that walks on two feet and does not have razor sharp retractable claws, you are wrong. Evidently, opposable thumbs do not a Jesus make. [Raccoons Have 'Em]
When I’m confronted with a media portrayal of Jesus, I always ask myself ‘What would James Dobson do?’ [WWJDD]
In his book ‘Dare to Discipline’ Dobson writes:”Pain is a marvelous purifier. It is not necessary to beat the child into submission; a little bit of pain goes a long way for a young child. However, the spanking be of sufficient magnitude to cause the child to cry genuinely.”

So, you will know it’s the real Jesus if you see him striking a child. Or, better yet, funneling contributions to Republican candidates.
However, if the Jesus in question is tolerant of other’s beliefs, [Too Forgive-y] if he criticizes the Church, [Jesus: Pro-Pharisee] hangs out with tax collectors, [Make the Cuts Permanent!] and turns the other cheek [Instead of Spanking the Lower Cheek] well that is the bad Jesus.
Or at least the bad Dobson. [Picture of Dobson with a goatee] Sometimes I can’t tell the difference between those two.
*Stephen standing and clapping* Evidently he just fixed health care.
Reading the news is like reading classic literature; you want to read it all, but how has the time. So you buy the Cliff Notes but, again, who has the time. Then you rent the movie but who has the patience to sit through a whole movie. So finally you call up your local librarian, pretend you’re her supervisor, and demand she tells you how the book ends.
Sam Alito was confirmed to the Supreme Court today. All you need to know? Stock up on Trojans.
A federal judge ruled last Monday that the US Government must release a list of names of the detainees at Guantanamo Bay Prison facility. All you need to know? Semore Butts, I. P. Freely, and Heywood Jablome are grave threats to our national security.
Augustine Volcano, located on an uninhabited island in Alaska, started erupting again this weekend after 10 days of relative calm. All you need to know? Senator Ted Williams, I sorry. Ted Stevens wants to build a bridge to it.
That would have been nice. I’m sorry, I was listening to the President and apparently Venus Williams is in the balcony and he pointed her out. *major character break*
USA Today says that in 2006 consumers will buy almost 7 million sets with screens 40 inches or larger. All you need to know? It’s possible for Simon Cowell to seem like a bigger A-hole.
‘Commander in Chief’ will go on hiatus this August. All you need to know? Americans aren’t even ready for a fake female president.

Hold on, Hold on. *Stephen standing and booing* Evidently Ted Kennedy just threw a shoe at the podium. Sore looser.
Tiffany’s is suing E-Bay for facilitating the trade of counterfeit items. All you need to know? Make sure you buy all your Colbert merchandise from ColbertNation.com, otherwise instead of an autographed photo of me you might end up with this: *holds old photo of Samuel Jackson with Colbert signature* Oddly enough, this is my signature.
Freedom Fact [FRACT]: Did you know… The American Flag is the most popular flag in all 50 states?
People in America go ‘Al Jazeera, Al Qeida. I can’t quite tell the difference.’
Nightline to Al Jazeera – which one does the Bush Administration hate more?
“Afwan” – it means you’re welcome. I know one other word, “shukran”. It means thank you. I also know hummus. Babaganoosh. We’re semi-fluent.
Egypt State Media describe Al Jazeera as “a sinister salad of sex, religion, and politics topped with sensationalist seasoning.” Are you the Jewish crouton on top?

I build up a healthy head of outrage pretty often on this show but I save the most blood vessel bursting affronts to our core American Values for something I call “The Craziest F#?king Thing I’ve Ever Heard”
This footage came from a satellite feed from the Tokyo Zoo. It’s a snake, get this, living with a hamster. This is not part of God’s plan. That fluffy little muffin belongs in that snakes belly to be slowly dissolved by digestive juices over a period of 3 to 5 days.
This snake has chosen to defy God’s law. Snake, stop buying into the pacifists vegetarian rodent agenda and swallow that hamster.
Being a predator is not a choice. It’s the natural order. What’s next? Turtles befriending Hippos?
Snake, you’ve got until next week to straighten yourself out. If you don’t eat that hamster – you’re a coward.
I’ve heard of lambs lying down with lions, but snakes lying down with hamsters? That’s the craziest F#?king thing I ever heard.
There is one thing crazier. Tomorrow night, crack-pot radio personality Russ Lieber will be in the studio. He has accepted my challenge to come into the studio to debate me like a man.
Lieber, you back out now, you’re as much of a coward as that snake.
That’s it for the Report… Hold on, And may God bless the United States of America! He said it!