“I got my mojo working. MoJo, of course, is what I call my assistant Monica Johnson. This is The Colbert Report!“
Oprah’s Least Favorite Thing: Truthiness on Nightline. Oprah Says Yeah. James Frey boycott.
The Wørd: Abortion / Unscripted
What A Croc: Tip of the Hat, Wag of the Finger
- Wag: Google
- Tip: Effigia Okeeffeae
- Wag: Effigia Okeeffeae discoverers
- Wag: Brian Nosek
Ante Hero: Annie Duke, poker champion and author – “Annie Duke: How I raised, folded, bluffed, flirted , cursed, and won millions”
Guest Plug:
In closing: As I am sure those thieves over at NightLine will say later, good night.
NOTABLE MOMENTS
- Little stiff today – did some sit-ups this weekend and I do not plan to do those anytime soon. I really felt them in my abs! Very painful. Very little control over that area – in fact if I tilt to far back, I just go all the way.
- Truthiness is in the news again. Just like Frankenstein, my creation won’t die.
- Know what was missing from that piece? Me, Stephen Colbert. I’m not surprised – Nightline is on opposite me over on ABC. Same time slot. We destroy them in the ratings. I don’t have numbers to back that up, I just feel that it’s true.
- They’re playing dirty, their stealing content from my show. Well let me talk straight to the triple-headed He-She-He beast that they put in for Ted Koppel: Fellas, no free rides. If I catch you copying my signature pieces – topical subjects, guests, and saying good-night – there will be legal action. And if you think I am kidding, ask Bow Tie Pasta. It’s dead to me. It knows why.
- That guy, [Frank Rich] I don’t know who he was – he gave me the credit I was due.
- Right there – off camera Oprah says ‘yea.’ Play that back and this time let’s isolate Oprah. [Frank Rich:"Stephen Colbert.." Oprah:"Yeah"] Yeah! I think she might even have said ‘Hell, yeah.’
- There’s proof positive that Oprah Winfrey knows who I am. This, Ladies and Gentlemen, should be the headline on tomorrow’s New York Times – ‘Oprah, On Existence of Stephen Colbert: “Yeah”‘
- I have my own problems with James Frey, not because of inconsistencies in his memoir – nothing wrong with stretching the truth. After all, we stretch taffy. And that just makes it more delicious.
- In fact, I respect him for making up his past – it shows character. Too many people just let their past happen to them. It’s part of the culture of victimization. “Oooh, I had no control over the circumstances of my birth.” But when you decide to have had a difficult childhood that is really owning your past. And, in a fundamentally refreshing way, taking responsibility for it. So rare these days.
- Taking liberties with the truth is an American tradition. In fact the word ‘liberty’ is right there in the word ‘liberties.’
- I’m mad at him because of this – you can lie all you want, but you upset Oprah! That is it. I have no choice but to call a nationwide boycot of James Frey. Not the book which is fantastic – everyone should read it. I don’t know how he got through half that stuff. It’s an incredible story of loss and recovery. It’s part of my book club.
- I say we boycott the man James Frey. Friends of James Frey, ignore his calls. Grandparents of James Frey, he is no longer adorable to you. Check out merchants, refuse to scan his items. And to James Frey, I say to you, If some day you write the story of your life I recommend that you chose to not have had this happen.
- Big day in the Senate for the Alito confirmation. Ted Kennedy foamed at the mouth; they had to lay down newspapers.
- Abortion: I have found the solution to this divisive issue that all sides can agree on… this doesn’t feel right. This is too easy.
- Three months of doing this show and I’m up on this pedestal now, OK? I’m loosing touch with the people. I need to stay in touch with you – real Americans – people like this over here. I shouldn’t be talking, I should be asking them questions. Or having them ask me questions.
- Change of plans. Somebody throw me a mike. OK. Jimmy, sorry, but if the President can do this then so can I. We have a whole new word – Unscripted.
- Keep up with me – anything can happen.
- Black Woman in Desert Fatigues: “I just want to thank you for all you’ve done and all you continue to do for America. Keep fighting the good fight, Stephen Colbert.” [Blacks, Women, and Soldiers Thank Stephen]
- Stephen:”You know what, I appreciate it. Now, what is your question? [Stephen Appreciates Them]
- Woman: “Isn’t it time more people thanked you?”
- Look, the only thanks I need is for people to keep watching this show. [Screw You, Nightline]
- Man in jamadani: “Stephen, I am an Iraqi Kurd. Now that I have been liberated I am getting to know your beautiful country. [Pay Dirt!]
- Well, you know we get many, many Kurds here, Sir, and let me say to you, “afwan”. [Sounds Vaguely Arabic]
- Kurd:”Hi. I am learning your customs, especially about your women sports. What do they call it when the pitcher throws a slow easy to hit pitch right over the plate?” [Iraqis Eager for Women's Lib]
- They call that ‘lobbing a softball.’ Great question. [Check's in the Mail]
- How about the young mother – between 18 and 34, I’m guessing. The blond woman, right over there.
- Older woman next to mother:”Thanks, I was…”
- I meant the woman next to you. I believe she had the question…
- Older woman:”Can I ask mine first? I just have one quick one.”
- O.K. Ask away. [Oh, Sh*t!]
- Older Woman:”In the past few weeks, the President’s given more impromptu press conferences than at any other time in his presidency. Do you think they are for show or do you think he really cares what we think?
- Well, um… much like the President… [Breathe...] the uh, Chinese and Indian economies are increasing their economies and with their booming populations it is putting tremendous pressure on the global oil market and… yes, Ma’m. You had a question!
- Young mother:”I’m a suburban homemaker trying to make ends meet. Why are gas prices so high?”
- I, uh, I think I just answered [*Flashing red "Abort!"*] Abortion! and that’s the word.
- The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away. As for me, I tipeth and wageth away with a Tip of the Hat, Wag of the Finger.
- Why should Google get to know more about me than the government does? We have nothing to fear from this government. The Republicans are a small government party. I’m willing to let them have any power they want because they don’t want to have any power.
- To prove that I am not afraid, I am going to share with you my Google search history from the last 24 hours.
- [B.L.T.; Bacon Lettuce Tomato; Bacon AND Lettuce AND Tomato; Bacon Lettuce NOT Tomato]OK. looking for new B.L.T. recipes.
- [Bears AND Dead; Bears AND Kill; Bear Survival Tips; Anti-Bear Legislation; Bear Bacon] Catching up on the opposition.
- [Stephen Colbert; Stephen Colbert; Steve Colbert; Stefan Kolbare; Stepan Coldbear; I lLove Stephen Colbert; Stephen Colbert Fan Club; Stephen Colbert Is Sexy; Stephen Colbert Fanfiction; Stephen for President; Stephen for Pope] Gotta search for myself – that makes the whole search thing a write-off.
- [Charlene; Charlene AND Stephen; Charlene AND Stephen 4-Ever; Fetish AND Stephen Colbert; Fetish And Tall Women Lifting Heavy Things] Um, OK, you don’t need to do that. That’s fine. Take it off , that’s enough.
- We’ll edit that last bit out of the broadcast. Nobody out there needs to know about my fetish about tall women and heavy things.
- Well, Darwinlutionists. Looks like that blows another hole in your evolution theory. I thought every ting was supposed to evolve from apes. Now you’re saying things evolved from crocodiles? Which is it – can’t have it both ways.
- So, discoverers of this crocodile ancestor, I’d like to shake your hand but I can’t ’cause I’m also wagging my finger.
- I never cared for Miss O’Keeffe’s paintings. I don’t know what this is supposed to be. I don’t know what that is, but it scares the hell out of me.
- More importantly, the fossil was found in a slab of rock dug up in 1947 by paleontologist named Dr. Edward Colbert. I’m calling on the world’s scientific community to correct this slight by naming the next ten species you find after Edward Colbert. By the way, little known fact, his name was Stephen.
- Supposedly, Supporters of President Bush and other conservatives had stronger self-admitted and implicit biases against blacks than liberals did.
- I’m not upset with Mr. Nosek because I’m conservative – I don’t see people’s politics, just like I don’t see people’s race.
- People tell me I’m white. I take their word for it.
- If this study was right, would I feel as comfortable as I do around my black friend Allen?
- Colbert Trivia: Stephen dreams of the day when only Americans when the America’s Cup.
- Now, I never played poker, put if it’s anything like Dungeons and Dragons I’ll be up to my Baldrick in plus-1 semitars before you can say ‘cure light wounds.’
- *Stephen ‘testing out’ the new steady cam on his way over to the desk*
- Poker is like an extreme sport – it’s like extreme sitting. It’s like throwing your money out of an airplane.
- Our President strikes me as a good gambler because you’ve got to be willing to loose… take big risks, you lose, you stay in, you lose, you raise the bet and you stay in again.
- Stephen:”Who’s the mark here?” Annie:”Wait, are we playing Dungeons and Dragons or Poker?”
- *Stephen deals out cards and looks at his hand* Holy Sh*t! I gotta a flush. Am I lying?
- Annie:”Probably. Oh my God, you do have a flush! Statistically speaking that would be very weird…”
- Don’t play with me, Girl!
- Annie:”Now I realize you didn’t shuffle the deck.” Stephen:”yea, but I made you guess before you found out!”
- I beat a poker champ!
Fangirl Suit Report: Navy Suit, White/light blue striped shirt with Ainsley collar and French cuffs, Sapphire dot pattern tie.
Full set of screencaps at WonkyEar.com
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