Episode 2010 (01/24/2006)

“Pucker up America, because I’m going to kiss and tell… the Truth. This is The Colbert Report!

Blue Tuesday: Worst day of the year. Silver Linings.

The Wørd: Chernobyl

If These Walls Could Talk: Formidable Opponent – Secret Surveillance of American Citizens.

Project Beltway: Robin Givhan, fashion columnist for the Washington Post

In closing: The In Box.


  • Welcome to the Report… oh, what’s the point. Uhm, I hope everyone had a good weekend – oh, it’s Tuesday.
  • I’m down. I just read this article in the paper – apparently there’s some British psychologist who says that today. January 24th, is the most depressing day of the year. And he has to be right because he’s got a formula.
  • Sad thing is, I was having a great day until I found out this was the worst day of the year.
  • This baby here acts like the sun – first the light impacts the retina then it is transmitted via the optic nerve and finally it tricks your brain into believing there is a reason to live.
  • This *beep* thing isn’t plugged in. Well, that just tears it, doesn’t it. That is just it, right there. *Beep* me in the *Beep* with a lit cigar.
  • It’s horse*beep* anyway, it doesn’t work. This is awful.
  • I had this great footage too, I wanted to show at the start of the show. [clip of kitten falling asleep on it’s feet]
  • It’s just reminding me of how tired I am – get it off there. Take it off.
  • Come on, snap out of it, ColberT!
  • I need a pick up – Jimmy, show me something powerful, something awesome. [clip of the Truck-asaurus]
  • Not awesome enough, what else you got? Something big. [Video clip of Juan Gabriel falling off stage] Wow, even that’s not cheering me up.
  • I need something to move my soul. [The Japaneses TV clip with the girls and the iguana.] All right! I’m alive.
  • I feel great, and no limy psychobabble’s going to change that.
  • I’m not going to let the media tell me what to be depressed about. In fact tonight I’m only going to talk about happy things for the rest of the show – which brings us to tonight’s word: Chernobyl.
  • The place gets a bad rap, but when you look closer there is a bright side. [An Eerily Glowing Bright Side.]
  • Even in a place like Chernobyl, you can see that the glass is half full. [Of Cesium]
  • Every cloud has a silver lining. [Even Mushroom Clouds]
  • Those untimely deaths are just what we need to avoid billions of dollars in Social Security pay outs.
  • Look at Hurricane Katrina. We don’t have to focus on the massive devastation along the Gulf Coast. [The Government Didn’t]
  • Mayor Neygen can build the New Orleans of the future, [Newest Orleans] an idilic, Utopian, chocolate city. [Like Hershey, PA]
  • Better yet, folks, why look at the world at all? Ignorance is bliss. Oedipus ruined a great sex life by asking too many questions. [“So… Got Any Kids?”]
  • No matter what some stupid British psychologist says, [“I Love Crumpets and Freud!”] we do not have to be depressed.
  • There’s an asteroid that’s supposed to hit the earth in 2029. [2028’s #1 Pickup Line]
  • If such a deep impact results in a worldwide Armageddon, is that so bad? It’s not happening the day after tomorrow. [Reminder: Update Netflix Queue.]
  • Let’s not think about our problems. Let’s think about something happier, instead. [Chernobyl]
  • A Query with this much Fury can’t be debated with just anyone – that’s why I’m bringing in the big guns…
  • Me! Stephen Colbert!
  • My filtering software caught these terrorist trigger words: oil, mixture, timer, devastating.
  • I was getting Mom’s banana bread recipe!
  • By even debating this issue, we’re alerting the errorist-tay about what we’re oing-day. / I have no idea what it is you just said.
  • There needs to be checks and balances. / There are. When you checked the box to vote for Bush you gave him the balance of power. The power to protect you.
  • What if every time Superman wanted to use his heat vision, or cold breath, or… / crush a lump of coal into a diamond? / Good one.
  • What if first he had to go to the Justice League and ask Aquaman to give him permission. I mean, we’re fighting Lex Luther here. We can’t be *beep*ing around with the Wonder Twins and that damn monkey Gleek.
  • Couldn’t Superman just catch Luther first and apply for the permission after? He’s got 72 hours. / Yea, but then Superman has to go to the Fortress of Solitude, fill out the paperwork. Meanwhile, General Zod has escaped from the phantom zone!
  • KNEEL BEFORE ZOD! / NEVER! *Stephen 2 zaps Stephen 1 with red lasers from his eyes…* AaaagH! I Concede the Point!
  • In this metaphor, Bush is Superman. / Oh, I hadn’t made that connection.
  • So Bush is just… / Using his super-hearing and his cloak of invisibility… / to fight for truth, justice, and the American way! / Uh, yea. Something like that.
  • Colbert Trivia: Stephen was the first in his Cub Scout troop to make Wolf.
  • *Stephen does a runway walk over to the interview table.*
  • You’re the fashion columnist for the Washington Post – isn’t that something like being the dance critic for the Southern Baptist convention?
  • It’s not that fashionable of a town – It’s basically The Gap and Joseph A. Banks.
  • She’s sexy in sort of an ice-cold preying mantis sort of way. [slide of Condoleezza Rice]
  • [slide of President Bush clearing brush] It says ‘Brokeback Mountain’ to me. He can say one thing that he is against gay marriage, but this is the subtext to those who care about fashion – gay people.
  • [slide of President Bush in Chinese jacket] Stephen: “Fasihon faux-pas?” Robin: “I can’t even…” [giggling too hard to answer]
  • {slide of Vice President Chenny at Auschwitz] I’m proud we have a Vice President whose not ashamed to shop at Farm and Flea.
  • [slide of Abramoff in trench coat and hat] Stephen:”What are we saying here?” Robin:”Pretty much Guilty.” Stephen:”Or Rabbi”
  • [Slide of Tucker Carlson thrown in]
  • [slide of Kim Jong Il] To me, that says a drag queen between sets. That’s how they project power over there.
  • Stephen:”Let’s talk about my look – what am I projecting?” Robin:”I see power.” Stephen:”The word I’m looking for is obey.”
  • Dear Stephen, How can you say that anyone who is against wire-taping is giving aid and comfort to the enemy. For one thing [the rest of the email is black out.] Joseph P. Birmingham, AL
  • Joe, you’ll note that I redacted the parts of your letter that give aid and comfort to the enemy. I’m afraid that doesn’t leave you with much of an argument.
  • Dear Stephen, Remember to return ‘Next of Kin’ and ‘Roadhouse’ to the video store. They are 2 weeks over due. Stephen C. New York, NY.
  • Dear Stephen, Don’t put movies on bookshelf, because you will just forget about them there. Stephen C. New York, NY.
  • Mr. Colbert, I am writing in strong renunciation of your Zionist diatribes. Hamas has no association with bears. I call upon you to know the truth of this. Death to Isreal. Mahmoud Al-Z Gaza, Palestine.
  • I took another look at the picture from the New York Times article. It turns out those aren’t real bears. You can see the hands coming right out there. Also, that white one is a fox.
  • In my defense, my judgment was clouded. I see a bear, survival instinct kicks in.
  • Hamas, thank you for keeping me honest.
  • It’s always hard to say good-bye, so I’m not going to.

Fangirl Suit Report: Navy suit, ecru shirt, Navy/yellow striped tie.

Full set of screencaps at WonkyEar.com

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