Episode 1031 (12/14/2005)

“Let’s make this quick; our Christmas party is tonight. This is The Colbert Report!”

Presidential Sealed: King Kong as Allegory. President Bush in a Bubble.

The Wørd: Travolta

The Pen is Mightier than the Pen: Tip of the Hat, Wag of the Finger:

  • Tip: Pentagon.
  • Wag: Australia.
  • Wag: Hollywood Foreign Press
  • Tip: Forbes Magazine
  • Wag: Forbes Magazine

Dermot-ology: Dermot Mulroney, actor “The Family Stone”.

In closing: Stockings for Stephen, The Heroes, and the Blame America First crowd.

Guest Plug:


  • President Bush’s critics accuse the President of being out of touch. Fortunately, he has no idea they said it.
  • Is this it? Is this where it’s happening? Is this where I pump it? Is this where I pump the truth? Let’s do it!
  • I got a sneak preview from this guy on the street who sold me a dvd of it. Quality wasn’t that great and it was in Korean but pretty good subtitles. The visuals – majestic, when the camera was focused on the movie screen.
  • This is a clear allegory for our times. Kong is George Bush. Skull Island is Washington, and Naomi Watts is obviously America who Bush-Kong loves. And tries to save by climbing the Empire State Building which is Iraq. Or maybe tax cuts. Could be both. It’s a very complex movie. And of course the airplanes shooting at Kong-Bush are the press. Or possibly social security.
  • See this movie, whatever side of this issue you stand on.
  • Some upsetting news in the New York Times today – there’s a shocker. Apparently the United States ranks sixth among countries jailing journalists.
  • Whatever happened to we’re number 1?
  • China has 32 journalists behind bars. We only have 5 in jail, and most of those are just Iraqis held without charges.
  • Jimmy, put up the scoreboard. OK. Let’s put some people in jail.
  • Let’s start with the Op-ed page of the New York Times: Dowd, Kristoff, Kruegman. Lock, stock and barrel. Put ’em up. Take David Brooks out. I like the cut of his jib.
  • Russert from Meet the Press – I don’t trust him. Too many questions.
  • Let’s incarcerate the McLaughlin Group, call it crimes against humanity.
  • Nightly news – you got Bob Woodruff and Elizabeth Vargas from ABC. Jail Woodruff for sure. Maybe put him in a special laser jail – he looks like a robot to me. Vargas on the other hand. She deserves her freedom. Her beautiful, beautiful freedom.
  • Brian Williams – check him into the old Gray-Bar Hotel. Let’s not forget Nightline and the new triple headed beast they put in to replace Kopel.
  • What have we got so far? 24. Criminy, those Chinese are tough bastards.
  • Just jail everybody from 60 Minutes, and do it quick. Most of those guys are in their 90’s.
  • In your face, China! Nananana, hey hey hey. We got 3 extra guys.
  • Jimmy, let’s put up that cover. See, I don’t even think this is a real photo. I seriously doubt President Bush would agree to be trapped in a soap bubble long enough for someone to snap a picture. They did the same thing to O.J.
  • This article treats bubbles as if they’re a bad thing. But Glenda The Good Witch traveled by bubble and Mr. Bubble is a creature made entirely out of bubbles. How could he be bad if he gets us so squeaky clean?
  • We don’t want our president infected by germs of doubt. [Fact-ococcus]
  • He needs to keep his head clear to make the best decisions he can based on the sterilized information allowed to pass through his membrane.
  • The President’s bubble allowed him to see those people, but not be infected by their negativity.
  • Some of our greatest Americans have relied on Bubbles. [*picture of Michael Jackson and Bubbles]
  • And something neysayers in the mainstream media seem to forget is that bubbles *blows bubbles* are delightful. [Wheee!]
  • I’m not a fan of the legal system – too slow. We’ve got to stop paying our judges by the hour.
  • According to reports a new 10 page classified addendum to the manual will change the definition of cruel, inhuman and degrading treatment. Therefor, it no longer happens. Well played, Gentlemen.
  • Shame on you, Australia. When did you start emulating the French?
  • For years Americans have loved your country-slash-continent. We thought of the land down under as a cousin, a charming, sunnier England populated by the descendants of criminals.
  • Then you started producing wine and now you’re latching onto anything Parisian trend you can catch wind of – be it a new cut of suit or an eruption of ethnic violence.
  • Come back to the old USA. All we’re fighting about is whether department stores should say Merry Christmas or Happy Holidays or whether to pull out of Iraq.
  • Why? Three words: Hollywood, Foreign, and Press. Everyone of which screams loose morals and tainted values.
  • You can only have two. You can be the Hollywood Press, or the Foreign Press, or the Hollywood Foreign. You guys are on notice.
  • The magazine has long been the source of reminders that other people are much richer than you. But Forbes has upped their game by publishing a list of 15 people richer than you who don’t even exist.
  • Bravo. Not only does your list give us new levels of nonexistent wealth to aspire to, it provides hopelessly awkward nerds across America with talking points for social situations as they debate the liquid assets of Richie Rich versus Bruce Wayne.
  • Forbes also deserves a diamond encrusted wag of my finger. The number one person on their list – Santa Claus with an estimated wealth of infinite.
  • Hey, Forbes, these are supposed to be fictional characters. If you’re saying what I think you’re saying they you’re assaulting the Judeo-Christian tradition of Christmas and this finger will have none of it.
  • Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus and he does have money coming out of his ass.
  • Freedom Riddle [FRIDDLE]: Who is the most awesome William in the world? Bill of Rights.
  • Tell me what happens in it because there’s now way in Hell I’m going to go see it.
  • Is your movie hurting America? Are kids going to see this movie and say ‘I want to smoke pot like Dermot Mulroney’?
  • Who smokes the pot? Who’s the pot head? Who’s the doper? Who’s the freak, Man?
  • We’ll have them on. Come on my show, or you’re cowards.
  • Your salt and pepper right now. Before it goes fully salt to you have to get all those fiance rolls in.
  • When women see you on the street, do they burst into tears? Out of joy, like ‘He knows how I feel’?
  • Stephen: “And do women say like ‘Oh my God, I would have married you. She was a fool in that movie’?” Dermot:”No, you’re the first person to say that to me.”
  • What’s wrong with that place? Answer for all of Hollywood.
  • So it’s kind of like communism. It’s like an autonomous collective where decisions are all made by a cabal. Who also control the media.
  • Is cello like your fall back position in case your acting doesn’t work out? You need a safe job?
  • Put the cello aside, in just a bare knuckle street brawl, could you take Yo Yo Ma?
  • How do you convince people who have spent their Christmas bickering with their relatives to go pay $10 to go see people on the screen bickering with their relatives?
  • Go see the movie, no matter what we said tonight.
  • Oh, Hi. I chose not to see you.
  • Before you know it all our families will be gathering to celebrate Christmas on the sets of all or television shows.
  • For you, the heroes, I got you all a brand new xBox 360. Gift of the season. I don’t have one for each of you. Just one. And it hasn’t arrived yet.
  • I’ll just drop in here an IOU for an xBox.
  • When it does arrive it will be mailed to Aaron Ableson of Odessa, Texas who will enjoy it for a couple of days and will then send it along to the next person on the Colbert Nation subscriber list and so on. You’re on your honor.
  • As for the Blame America Firsters, I was going to give them a lump of coal but why should they get free heating fuel when it’s their failed environmental policies that are responsible for the high oil prices in the first place.
  • Their going to get something even worse – my scorn! More specifically, my new fragrance Stephen Colbert’s Scorn. Truly a terrible scent.
  • As for what Santa will be leaving in my stocking? Well, the list is the same as it is every year – everything in SkyMall catalog.

Fangirl Suit Report: Gray suit, White shirt with barrel cuffs, Brick/gold/black striped tie.

Full set of screencaps at WonkyEar.com

If you're new to our Zoner community, please read the No Fact Zone Comment Policy before commenting. Thank you!