Episode 1030 (12/13/2005)

“Get some ice; I’ve pulled my groin… my enormous groin. This is The Colbert Report!”

A Colbert Report Special Report: The De-Ballification of the American Sportscape.

Sideline Psychos: The Special ReporT, including tellustrator. Coach Stan Van Gundy resigns. Last Night’s Sports Scores.

The Wørd: Lombardi

Syringiana: Formidable Opponent – Performance Enhancing Drugs.

Man For All Seasons: Bob Costas, NBC sports caster, host of 2006 Winter Olympics.

In closing: Stephen awards The Report the Omnisport Award for Excellence in Everything.


  • I was watching the Year in Sports wrap up on ESPN last night. There wasn’t one, but you get the idea.
  • I got all worked up in a lather. And when I am fully lathered I need to shave off my anger. That works as a metaphor.
  • Ladies and Gentlemen, I promise you, tonight, I will give 110%. It’s a big show but there is no ‘I’ in ‘team’ and this tea has a lot of heart. We never quit – we play to win. I’m taking it one game at a time and I’ve been watching a lot of films, studying tendencies so I can stay frosty, get in the zone, look for my pitch, then go out there and have some fun.
  • I want to thank God for giving me the strength to do tonight’s show and one more thing – I love you, Momma.
  • *Stephen demonstrating the tellustrator on his desk*
  • Right now I am right here. I’m sitting at a desk, this area is the desk. Down here, that’s desk. And this is the tellustrator right here. I’ve also got a pen if I want to some more thinner, squiggly lines. Actually, that’s the pen – how do I circle the pen? There you go – the pen is right in there. There it is.
  • It’s like an etch-a-sketch. You just pick it up and it erases. Oh boy! Probably f#%@ed that up pretty bad.
  • I do a fairly passable Snoopy. A nose right there. And he’s happy. There you go.
  • So look forward to a lot of that.
  • To demonstrate how this works on actual footage we are going to show you Prime Minister Tony Blair playing soccer, or as he incorrectly calls it – football.
  • He shoots the ball, going ooooh! Going just a little bit really wide.
  • Not his fault though. He kicked the ball based on the best intelligence he had as to were the net would be. That counts as a goal.
  • Well, actually Stan, we’ve all got actual families too. That’s why we don’t believe you.
  • I don’t know what your Thanksgiving was like but I think a lot of people here would love 41 excuses to get out of town for night.
  • Lombardi was an American hero because he never quit. [Despite being stuck in Green Bay]
  • Barnett knew that to get a good team you need good recruits and to get good recruits you need hookers, booze, and a coach who will cover for you when you’re accused of sexual assault.
  • He wasn’t afraid to ask for what he knew he needed to win. More black players. What was his actual quote there?
  • Quitters like Van Gundy should pay attention to America’s coach, George W. Bush. He’s played 5 great quarters so far. [Only 3 Quarters Left, America!] Never quits, never pulls out.
  • Thanks to our President’s leadership style, his name will live on too. [Bush League]
  • The NFL, Major League Baseball and the NBA won’t let us use their footage without paying huge fees, which we can’t afford on basic cable, so instead we are going to go ahead and use the footage we can afford.
  • *Basketball commentary given over Rugby and Lacrosse footage, hockey commentary over Roller Derby, Monday Night Football scores using bowling*
  • Finally, in the world of Cat Boxing, Mr. Whiskers dropped Mittens in the 3rd with a savage right paw. Meow!
  • A question this slippery can’t be debated with just anyone. That’s why tonight I will be joined by America’s toughest pundit – Me, Stephen Colbert.
  • Stephen 1 – You been working out? Stephen 2 – Little bit, little bit. Mon, Wed, Fri, Traps, delts, lats, and pecs. Tues, Thurs, quads and glutes.
  • That just means the FDA hasn’t approved it yet. Tylenol and insulin were once illegal but you wouldn’t deny them to a diabetic with a headache, would you?
  • Stephen 1 – Hey, why aren’t you debating me? Stephen 2 – Why should I? You don’t seem to think it’s important for people to bring their ‘A’ game.
  • Stephen 1 – I’m the guy who says you have to give 110%. Stephen 2 – Well where do you think that extra 10% comes from? Let me give you a hint. You inject it into your ass.
  • Any kid with the attention span to make that connection is already on Ritalin.
  • Stephen 1- What about the mood swings, the liver damage, the testicular shrinkage? Stephen 2 – You shut your dirty little mouth, Mister, before I shut it for you!
  • Now we have the technology to redefine ‘best’ and, for that matter, ‘human.’
  • Stephen 2 – Let’s say your an athlete. Stephen 1 – OK. I’ve said it before.
  • Your a major star and your biggest fan, 9 year old Freddy McGilacutty, is laid up in the hospital. He’s very sick and he’ got a request.
  • Nope. He wants you to hit 8 out of the park
  • He’s dying Stephen! OK, I’ll do it.
  • You go for it. You hit 7 home runs in the first 8 innings. No one has seen anything like it. Then you come up in the bottom of the ninth with 2 outs on the board, you get set in your stance, the pitcher nods to the catcher and here comes a big fat fastball right down the middle. You crush it. The ball goes screaming down the right field line. It is high. It is deep.
  • Wooooooo!
  • Wait! The right fielder’s got a beat on it and he’s on human growth hormone. He leaps like a kangaroo on crack. And he just snatches that ball just as it’s about to land in a fan’s outstretched glove. Game over.
  • Noooo! I’m so sorry, Freddy.
  • Stephen, he’s gone. Too bad you didn’t take HGH. Maybe he would have held on long enough for that neck transplant. One just became available.
  • Why was I so selfish? Next time I’ll take the steroids. The acne, the balding, and the man breasts would have been worth it.
  • Stephen 1 – Wow, you make a strong argument. Stephen 2 – Well, I’m a strong man.
  • Freedom Fact [FRACT]: The National Basketball Associaion employs more than 170 guards, and not one of them has ever been accused of torturing a prisoner!
  • Bob Costas is here to tell me which sports are manly and which sports are just European prance parties.
  • *Stephen runs through the paper and makes an end-zone dance in front of the table.*
  • Costas:”T.O. would have enjoyed that end-zone dance.” Stephen:”I should sign myself and throw me into the audience.”
  • What are you going to wear? You going to wear a big thirsty sweater? What’s it going to be, like with a rolled neck. And some mukluks?
  • In the Summer Olympics the equivalent would be to have you in jogging shorts at all times.
  • You are known as one of the nicest guys in broadcasting. Is that just an act? Everyone’s got a dark side, Mr. Costas.
  • At some point are we going to find out about you and a dwarf and some rice pudding and a leaf blower?
  • Costas:”I don’t enjoy allusions to short people like that, but I hinted at my dark side in my cameo appearances in Putytang and Basektball. Stephen: “Yes you did. Yes you did. You certainly alluded to your taste.
  • It’s Turin. They should give out gold shrouds. Punch a hole in the middle and make it a poncho.
  • Performance enhancing drugs. You saw my take on it. You saw two of my takes on it. What’s your take?
  • But home runs are exciting. You gotta admit that.
  • You declined to sub for Larry King one night when the subject of his show was the BTK killer and Natalie Holloway. What’s happening with news when sports casters are telling CNN what is or isn’t news?
  • We’re running out the clock here at the Report but before we go I just want to say that when tonight’s broadcast started I was a different guy. Young, cocky, possessed of great natural gifts but it was all raw power. I lacked control, focus. But I dug down deep and with the help of a grizzled old veteran, Bob Costas, I knocked this one right out of the park. And I did it for you Freddy.
  • Freddy (in audience with a huge bandage around his neck): “That’s my hero!”
  • No, buddy, you’re my hero.
  • I hereby award tonight’s Colbert Report Special Report this trophy. The Omnisport Award for Excellence in Everything. Even got a little skateboard to keep it Xtreme.

Fangirl Suit Report: Navy Blue suit. Light blue shirt with French cuffs. Navy/Light blue striped tie.

Full set of screencaps at WonkyEar.com

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